I am I guess fortunate to have my parents just fight constantly for years but not divorce so I am always curious to hear what adult children of divorce think about this topic. Some people seem to never get over it while others are more resilient. I wonder what makes the difference?

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Age cannot wither her, nor custom stale
Her infinite variety.

William Shakespeare, "Antony and Cleopatra", Act 2 scene 2

and you know what? I didn't turn into an axe wielding nutjob! My parents fought hard physically and emotionally. At the age of 11 I told them I WANTED them to get divorced. My mom pulled the "we were staying together for your sake." I told them for my sake end this already. They did and it was truly for the best. Do I have some scars and tender spots that occasionally show up. Yes. But overall it did teach me a lot of life lessons rather young. What I, as a "poor child of divorce" get really ticked about, are those people that do walk around and use it as a crutch or worse yet have a sense of entitlement because of it.

"poor me, Mommy and Daddy split up so now the world owes me."

You know, I see time and time again with my skids this same crappy attitude. Poor skids parents got divorced, we must give them shiny new things to make up for it. And worse yet, they are growing up to believe they are somehow entitled to MORE because their parents got divorced. Maybe its just me, but when my parents divorced the attitude was different then (I'm 32). It was expected that you grow up, be helpful and understand that you may have to do with less of those shiny things. I grew up to be a pretty responsible adult, but then again I wasn't raised with this sense of entitlement.

"Just because I'm paranoid doesn't mean people aren't out to get me"

I do have memories of mom and dad being married and I do remember the fights they had leading up to their divorce....so first before anyone thinks kids that young don't remember, YES WE DO.

The only "hurting" I remember was feeling mom and dad were fighting because of the kids...because it always seemed like all their arguments were about the kids (there were 6 of us). We often would gather together and talk about how the fighting was because we existed...not that it was our fault they divorced due to bad behavior or anything like that but more like our pure existence caused them to fight.

We always treated mom and dad's new girlfriends/boyfriends with respect and never ever thought to disrespect any adult...I dont know when being disrespectful became "ok" and so acceptable. I have read some blogs here about how disrespectful some skids are and I can't believe the birthparents allow such behavior and use the whole "they are products of divorced parents...blah blah blah crap" to justify such behavior.

My skids had their moments early on when DH and I started dating but he put an end to that very early on. I also have a son who lives with us and has gotten out of line and I never ever defend my son's actions or use the fact that his dad is an every other weekend dad to justify him being a complete little jerk.

To give you a time frame on that, I'm 43 now. I can honestly say that being a "child of divorce" did not hurt in any meaningful or unusual way then normal growning pains except when my SM starting PASing us. We did have a 20 year rift in the family because of her but we came back stronger and better then ever before. Water under the bridge.

I have never used it as an excuse so I don't tolerate it in my kids. Fortunately, XH and I get along. DH and XH work side by side on a house I own that is being remodeled (XH owes child support but has no means to pay). We manage childrearing as a team of three (me, DH and XH).

BM of my DH, however, is bipolar with borderline personality disorder and there is no way to effectively deal with these people. She has PASed my skids beyond belief and tortured us every step of the way, usually using the children as her weapons. I would say my SKIDS are hurt by this divorce but I also look at it in the terms of BM being unstable, they would have been hurt regardless.

We all smile in the same language

But I really don't think there's any concrete answer.

Just like....

Why do some people get a life threatening disease, or get in a horrible accident and thrive afterward? And others, get the same issue and crumble? Their life becomes not worth living.

Why do some step parents take each challenge as another step in the road of this difficult life we choose and deal with it? And others, it sets them off? Instead of... okay, let's deal with THIS now..... it becomes - UGH and guess what happened today??

I absolutely believe that children get hurt by a divorce as much as they get hurt by parents that argue - whether they are together or not.

What happens afterward is part nature, and I do believe part nurture.

Nature - we can't help.

But nurture... we can have an active hand in. And while yes, it should never ever be a crutch for bad behavior. It should also not be dismissed as "oh well, there's lot of other people with that issue too and they are doing well". We wouldn't think of saying that sentence to a child or an adult for that matter, dealing with cancer, for example... because we know that everyone deals with things in their own way as best as they know how and were taught.

Crutch no. Part of behavioral development Yes. What happens after and how much positive or negative attention we give it makes all the difference in the world. In my own humble uneducated opinion.

got a divorce when I was 10 AND I WAS IN HEAVEN! No more fighting. I only got sad when I saw my mother sad. But---they got back together within a year and remained together until they died.

It did not hurt me to live in a divorce situation. I was not ping-ponged EOW. My father came to visit & take me out for a few hours. I wouldn't have wanted to go his place. There was never a moment that I thought that my father didn't love me---NOT A MOMENT. I didn't need to burden him with the "I want my daddycakes" syndrome that I hear so many kids have. It is pure and total manipulation.

Daddycakes went to pick up man/child (6 ft tall, 17.4 years old) this morning, I told dh that this "man" needs a job instead of a burger & movie EOW with daddycakes. I told him that he wasn't being a good parent if he wasn't encouraging & guiding his son into getting a job. WORK is good for young people. He actually agreed.

Instead, my Mother had him adpot my older Sister, have two more children with him (myself and my brother), later another Brother.
Then they divorced and my Mother married his friend she barely knew and moved us out of State. My Mother stayed married to this man for almost two years and I found out in my Adulthood that he beat me at the very least....Supposedly, that is why my Mom got rid of him. Very soon after, guess what? My Dad shows up bc my Mom begged him back.
Long Story kinda short-they conceived my youngest Brother while my Father continued to use drugs, cheat and beat my mother, all in front of us.....Final nail in the coffin: My Mother has my baby brother and has to go to work bc my Father wastes his checks by Monday when he finally comes home after a long weekend. So on the last day of school, my Father is at home watching my Baby Brother, we come home from school, Dad is cooking porkchops at the stove. I ask where is Joey? We find him floating in the pool...My Dad had him sleeping, three days before his First Birthday on the floor. The A/C broke in the house and my Dad opened the Sliders to get the house to cool, it was the Summer....My Brother was dead. I watched the whole thing happen and my Mom was at work.
Whenever people asked me how I felt about my parents not being together, I said, "I think it's great!"
After the Funeral (on my Brothers Birthday) or within months, they spilt finally. My Dad flipped out and proceeded to destroy the rest of his life with drugs, alcohol and jail. He is a tormented soul and I have never hated him for one single thing....sounds strange to say but true.
My Mother somehow used my Brothers death to pull herself out of victimization and completely make a different life for us. She became very wealthy, exposed us to every cultural event she could, gave us a great education and tried very hard to "pretend" that part of her life never exsisted. I HAVE hated my Mother, I can't exactly say why but I think it has to do with her inability to admit the truth about our past and put on false airs and also partly bc my Father packed all the rage he could against my Mother into one visit a week (if he showed up). She became very snotty and judgemental he bacame a loser. I do not have nearly the compassion for her as I do my Dad....very strange bc if it wasn't for my mother, if it was left to my Father to raise what children he had left, we would have ended up very different. His 3 daughters from a previous marriage ended up very much like my Father and it'sad. It is also proof that my Mother was "the" difference in how we turned out....AND I have never heard my Mother say one bad word about my Dad.
Kinda OT but reading this made me think of it....Sorry.

I think that the act of Divorce IS NOT the cause of the children's pain, it is how the adults in the situation behave that makes all the difference!

I think the ideal situation is for a child to be raised by two parents who co-parent effectively. I think the kids are hurting if the parents stay married and fight all the time (like mine did), or they divorce and use the kids as a weapon (like BM) or any number of possible situations that are not ideal. I believs skids would have still been hurt by BM if DH had stayed married to her because BM has a borderline personality disorder. Any child of a mentally unstable parent is going to be hurting. One of my best friends is the child of an alcholic Mother who is still married to her Father but the Father never comes home. This girl has been hurt very much by her Mother.

Two parents who divorce and handle it civilly will likely have well adjusted children. But I don't think that is really your question. I think your real question is, should divorce be used as a crutch by skids?? My answer is no. Everyone has some cross to bear. Skids still need boundaries and to be taught right from wrong-no matter what their situation is.

"Evil Stepmothers aren't born, it comes with the territory"

Mine divorced when I was 2. It was just a fact of life. But it bothers me more now as an adult, all the things my sister and I didn't get from our divorced parents, that my half sibs DID get. Wedding paid for, college paid for, car bought for them, huge trip for their 21st birthdays paid for, etc etc....it annoys me more everyday!

"I child proofed my whole house, but they STILL get in!"