frustrated and tired
I am new to this. I am a step mother to a 16 year old (currently living hours away and 8 months pregnant), a 14 year old, and a 10 year old, all girls. The problem is the 14 year old. She and the 10 year old live full time with my husband and I. She has stolen jewelry from me (some of which was found in her room) and lies to me constantly. Just when I think our relatoinship is on the right track she does something else. She won't listen to my husband and I, and is a slob with a capitol S. I have bent over backwards to be good to all three of them and am rewarded with having to work from sun up to sun down working my full time job and cleaning up and being the live in slave (maid) for all of them. I just took the 14 year old to a major concert 4 hours away and spent money I should not have on her, relocated her bedroom to a bigger one which included painting and scubbing (I have rheumatoid arthritis so it is very hard on my body) and now she won't even look at me. My husband gets quiet with me if I say something or make her do something, and says I am too hard on her. I really don't know what to do any more. I am exhausted and need some help.
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wow.....
sounds like maybe you should STOP doing stuff for her and see what happens, you might be surprised! BTW....WELCOME!
disengage possibly?
At least temporarily. Sounds like SD is trying to see how far she can push you and still have you love her. It's a test. She wants to be sure that no matter how awful she treats you, you aren't going to leave her...did her bio mother leave her? My son pulled this exact same trick when his dad left...treated me like dirt and then was fine with me for a while, then went back to treating me like dirt. I was told by a professional that kids treat the people they are most secure with like crap because they're too afraid to get out their frustration on the person they are really angry at.
I would suggest putting a hold on all the 'above and beyond things' you have been doing for her. Still be there and show her you're there for her if she needs you but you also have to show her that doesn't mean she can treat you like trash. Stop all the special treatment and just be loving. hopefully she'll come around.
The thing that impresses me most about America is the way parents obey their children. ~Edward, Duke of Windsor, Look, 5 March 1957
sd
Thanks for the advice. Her mother did abandon her for a new baby and a pot smoking bf. She doesn't really have much to do with her, just lavishes all the attention on her younger sister and new brother. It's sad really, because she really is a good kid at heart and I love her with all of mine. I can't have any kids of my own. She was in counseling for a while and did get a better attitude and has been done for almost a year, but it has been just lately that things are getting so bad.
see?
something tells me she's very similar to my son in the reasons why she's treating you badly then seems ok...then goes back to treating you badly. It could be anything...maybe some hidden emotional trigger you haven't discovered yet. She KNOWS you love her, she KNOWS you aren't going to abandon her and she just trying to see how far you can be pushed just to reassure herself you aren't going to be like her loser biomom. But like I said, just because this is her subconscious reason for treating you like dirt doesn't make it ok. Stand up for yourself, forget talking to DH about it because YOU are the mommy now honey and it is YOUR RIGHT to teach SD a lesson in respect and what it means to have a good woman looking after her. Think of your sd like she's a cat. Cats LOVE controlling their environment, if you want to pet them, they make you come to them while they lay looking all helpless and cute...but once you stop coming to them they will sure as hell walk their butt over to you for love and attention. Sd is the same way. Once you stop bending over backward for her, she'll see she pushed you too far. But it will take time. Also, I recommend finding out what her emotional trigger is...try to see when she treats you the worst and analyze everything that was happening to her at the time.
The thing that impresses me most about America is the way parents obey their children. ~Edward, Duke of Windsor, Look, 5 March 1957
wanted to take the time to say welcome .....
and suggest doing a little less for her. Let her take some responsibility for herself. She might need to talk to a counselor about the issues with her mother. That might be spilling over to her treatment of you.
********She doesn't have to love me or even like me - it doesn't change a dang thing..... So get over it and move on BM!************