So what do you want??
What do you want? Do you want the ex and the kids to go away? Do you want the ex to go away but leave the kids? Do you wish the BM would be a better parent to your SK's so you won't have to?Do you want your SK's full-time, or do you never want to see them again? Do you wish your DH or DW had never met and had children together? Or would all this drama be worth it if your DH would just back you up?
I'm asking because I don't know what I want. I want BM to just admit she sucks, and walk away. I want BM to step up more so I can get a break once in a while. I wish BM didn't exist so I wouldn't have to worry about what crap will happen next b/c of her. But FH never met her, he wouldn't be the person he is today. If he hadn't met me, he wouldn't be the person he is today, but she really did show him what he DID NOT want in a partner.
- 2Bloved's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
2Bloved
I don't want my DH to change at all.
But I do wish that BM would become a better parent so that some of the responsibility is off of me and DH.
That's never going to happen... That's why I'm here!
Depends on the day I'm having
Most times I just want BM to take SS and go away. I honestly wish DH had never found out he had a son with BM (SS was 4 when DH found out he was his son).
Then other days I wish I'd never meet DH and gotten married and pregnant. I wish I'd never believed him when he said we wouldn't be getting SS full-time but only on weekends.
I'm sorry that things turned
I'm sorry that things turned out the way they did for you. When FH and I first started dating, he was CP to three. Our relationship developed around the family, and we treasured our stolen weekends away. I don't know how I would have handled it if it was the other way around. Some days I feel lost when I think of coming home every day to an empty house. Some days I dread coming home to a full house, a sink full of dirty dishes, laundry piled up every where. I wish I can just make up my mind and be happy with whatever happens.
Stick, that's where I'm torn
I don't think I want BM to go away, b/c then I wouldn't be able to enjoy my 4 days a month off. But that's a moot point now that she decided she wants to play mom. I do wish she would be a better parent. Even though it's not my responsibility, I do try to make up for her lack when it comes to the SK's. Now it's going to be worry about whether the kids are being left home alone while she pursues her social life, or if they're being fed properly, or if they've been bathed, or if their homework has been done. She does the bare minimum, and it's sad. I think I'll nickname her G.E.M., for Good Enough Mom. She's not great, but she's good enough, KWIM? But FH and I decided that we'll be hands-off this time. She can sink or swim, but we won't be there for her to fall back on anymore.
Now we'll get them almost every weekend, which isn't any different than when they were with us full time and saw their mother occasionally. It just irks me that she'll still have all her weekends to run around while I'm still raising her children during my free time.
I want my DH to take care of ME.
This is an easy question for me - I want to be number one in my DH's life. It is that simple. I want him to support me and love me and take care of me. I dont want ANYONE else to come before me.
That is it...he could fix our marriage that easily...but for some reason it seems impossible for him.
"God grant me the serenity accept the things I cannot change; the strength to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference."
I hear you 2Bloved
I am in somewhat of the same situation, except that SD over here is with me full time.
DH is away and traveling for work and won't be back except for 1 week for now at the end of the month. And then he'll be gone again.
BM wants to have SD more, but back when she had SD 50 / 50 and even longer ago, when SD was with her more, she only did part of what she needed to do. SD would call DH looking for her mom at 8 years old at 9pm at night... all alone at a house in the country!
Now, SD wants nothing to do with BM. So, she's living with me full time, while DH is away. It is affecting, not just my social life, but my career.
SD's older (15), so I can go out, and do my own thing. But still, every day, I'm making dinner, doing the laundry, grocery shopping and trying to help this kid emotionally because she's so so messed up by her mom. On the other hand, the way I look at it is, it's 2 more years until SD graduates and goes to college. What kind of person would I be to NOT be there for this kid? What kind of parent would I be if I didn't take care of her? It's certainly not SD's or DH's fault that BM is such a piece of selfish work. Like everyone hates to hear... I feel like I"m the adult, so I have to suck this one up.
SD was supposed to see her mom every Friday night, with some overnights 2x a week. But now that's changing too. SD only wants to see her mom 1x during the week, for a few hours and that's it. She has a counselor and this is what's best for her...
I know exactly what you mean about worrying about the kids when they aren't with you. That's really the only relief I have is that I know SD is with me and cared for (even if she is mad at me right now for making her go outside for a walk instead of being cooped up inside all day!!!)
I hope 2Bloved that you can feel good in the knowledge that even though it does suck for us right now... in the long run, when the kids are older - they know who was the real "parent" and who isn't. And also, when they have kids, and start implementing OUR ways of parenting, then we will know how much these sacrifices are truly worth it.
Stay strong!!
2Beloved.
are any of the things you "want" feasible?
She obviously exists, so it is fruitless to wish it any different.
BM admitting she sucks and walking away? Highly unlikely.
Stepping up to help out? Maybe.
In a perfect world, these exes would evolve and normalcy would reign. But this world is not perfect. We can not change people or mold them to be something they are not capable of being. Do you really think that she has the potential to be more than what she is?
It's a tough pill to swallow, this pill of acceptance. It's what defines success, wanting what you already have instead of having what you want. You place a lot of your wants coming to fruition based upon a woman who probably will never be able to give you what it is that you so desperately "want".
So in my own life, and my own answer to your question. I want most of all balance and being in a marriage where I don't completely sacrifice myself for the greater good. That balance lies within me though, not in the actions of those around me. I just have to find it and whatever it may entail.
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
I won't get it but here's what I want....
First, I want to kick her a$$ and get away with it (Fantasy)
I really just want BM to choose a side a roll with it....if she wants to be a bad mom then embrace it and leave the skids and us alone. If she wants to be a great BM then do that in reality bc the skids deserve it.
Problem is: every txt/call/visit/interaction is a new motive for BM, I will never get peace as long as she is off her med's and I am near her kids and her ex.
I am misreable BUT these poor skids are really getting affected more than anyone! I hear everyone on here complaining about the skids being all these horrible little monsters but I don't feel that way at all. I read these posts and wonder if that is what is next for me...if so, I am OUT!
How about if BM would just be normal
I was perfectly happy until 3 months after the marriage when BM's borderline personality surfaced and she started PAS'ing the kids. Skids has issues that were within the realm of normal but they truly became hateful after BM started going on her rampage and we found out what she had been saying to them.
Why can't they just be normal???
"Evil Stepmothers aren't born, it comes with the territory"
No, they're not feasible.
No, they're not feasible. Just wishful thinking, and one can only hope.
I do think that GEM has the potential to be more than what she is. I have hopes that one day she will wake up and realize that she squandered her childrens childhood in order to pursue her shallow interests. So in this particular aspect of my life, I do have wants. I do have ideals of what I would like our lives to be like. They may change day to day, but the wants are there nonetheless. In my own life, I can establish a balance. But in my relationship, I need FH's help and support.
Realistic or not, I do have things that I wish I can change, but alas, the only person I have power over is myself. In other areas of my life, I also have many wants. A lot of those I am working to fulfill, others I have set for myself as almost unattainable goals that I must push myself to achieve.
2Bloved
"I have hopes that one day she will wake up and realize that she squandered her childrens childhood in order to pursue her shallow interests."
She won't. Why would she? This would take self inventory and accepting blame. Do you really think she has the capacity to do such a thing?
The big question from me to you is why does it matter to you? Why does her realization change the course of what you are doing? That's her path to travel and her place to let her children down and their path to cope with it.
What is your path?
(I come in peace by the way.
I just remember feeling the frustration of wanting what I simply never could have. It's a disappointing and very aggravating route to take. It also empowers another person, who is simply not worthy of it, the ability to affect me in a way that really is beyond her control. She is being and acting the way she has always been, why should I allow her to affect who and what I am?
When you set your sights on a different way of life, you can't expect the people around you to change their way of thinking. You can only lead the way and maybe by the grace of all that's good, hope they follow.
Change is hard. Very hard. Think of changing something as minor as your eating habits... think of how difficult that is, and multiply it by a hundred... a thousand. That's how difficult it is to attempt to change one's way of thinking when it comes to relationships. We are exposed to how we are going to be in personal relationships (parenting, intimate relationships, friendships, etc.) from a very early point in our lives. (Good or bad) It takes a whole lot of self inventory and analyzing to even WANT to change and an even greater effort to actually change it.
So what is it that you really want to change? Maybe changing your own perception instead of wishing it different? Is that possible?
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
And....
I learned early in life that you don't always get what you want....
But it doesn't stop me from wanting....
But if you try sometimes,
But if you try sometimes, you get what you need??
i want
dh to stay the amazing man he is
BM to get a life, become a decent parent, and support her child when she has him. I want her to leave us alone and stop harassing us. I want her to stop mind fuking her son so that he has a chance to grow up a happy well rounded child. I want to love and care for my ss to the best of my abilities when we have him, and for him to respect me and follow the rules in our home. I want bm to stop playing the victim about everything, accept the fact that she had a child with some one who didnt love her, move on, get a job, and do what a parent should do and not be so pathetic.
I want my mil to go to the doctor and get the meds she really needs to control that fact that she is a complete bi polar lunatic!
Lastly. I want ALL my in laws to realize what they are doing to my DH, their betrayal has broken his heart, and they need to see that what they are doing when they listen to the lies of bm is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO WRONG! Perhaps when they have absolutely NOTHING to do with my family they will then get the hint!
I want
I want to stop feeling the rage that SD slams into me daily.
I want to find a way to neutralize her behavior, rather than respond back mirroring it.
I want to let go of the little bitty part of my heart who still thinks I can help/save/love/control/fix/relate with her.
I want to feel the peace in this home I once had in my little cocoon of 1100 square foot bungalow.
I want some time with my own thoughts, to read, to plan my projects, to write creative works, to live in the moment- without constant interruptions and criticisms that I don't do enough, care enough, try enough, act like a mom.
My list of wants is so overwhelming right now.
MamaSita
((((((((HUGS)))))))
I wish I could bestow upon you magical earpieces that could allow you a filter to what she says. Permitting you to hear the words but translating their meaning so you could be able to interpret them for what they are and even moreso what they are not.
At this very moment, that is what I want for my good, good friend.
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
thanks CG
I want all that for you too with your BM situation. I am at that place of flight again. It happens whenever her rages turn totally irrational to the degree that they are almost comical in their crazy conspiracy theories.
i wish i could turn back the clock
if i could, i would still be in my own house, me and dh would be sooooo happy. un grateful ss would not be in my new (marital) home 24/7 save for the moments in time when bm decides that she is going to be a mom. ss would not be creeping around my house 24/7 because no one ever taught him that there are other people in the world other than bm and my dh. i would not be in my house with this overwhelming feeling that ss wishes i didn't exist. i would have to watch the guilt parenting 24/7, i wouldn't resent ss for eating my food, using my shower etc etc (yes 24/7) i would resent my dh for letting this happen and for forgetting why we live together in the first place, because we love each other soo much and want to be together, i wouldn't resent my dh for never putting me before anybody. i want this to be over, i want my own house and my own space where i can do what i want, i want to be happy again.
Hmmmm I am not sure. I
Hmmmm I am not sure.
I would like SD to disappear, sometimes. Not sure I guess it depends on the day you ask me.
BM for sure, no split holidays, no "asking" to see your own child, no CS payments that are pushing us to our limits finanically, etc.
BE GONE!!!!!!!!!!!!
at this point in my life and relationship, i want them BOTH to be gone so its just me and bd. i would looooove for sd11 to be gone for good but she never will be so i guess ahving them both gone would have to do. things have gotten so bad that i find the onlly way out of this hell is for bf to pass away so i wont have to deal with bf anymore. of course i'd like for him to go peacfully in his sleep though---i still love him. lol, am i crazy??? yes i think that being a sm has made me reach my breaking point.
I want
BM to stop attacking me and my family just because DH never married her and she is upset he moved on and married me... (even though they were split up almost 6 years before i married him).
I want BM to stop allowing her anger to play out on her daughter... it is not necessary.
I really just wish she would mature and grow up. AND raise her daughter in a enviornment that is not toxic.
********She doesn't have to love me or even like me - it doesn't change a dang thing..... So get over it and move on BM!************
I want both sides to follow the Judgement and let the kid have
a shot at as low drama a life as possible and viable relationships with all three sides of his family (His Mom's, Mine and the SpermIdiots).
I don't want the SpermClan loading my Son (SS) up with their whiney "it's not fair that your Mom married a rich guy and you have nice stuff and your half sibs and Dad don't" CRAP! I am not rich and they are such idiots that they do not understand that his Mom (My Wife) has a stellar career in her own right and her own accomplishments. She provides the great life style. I just earn the money to pay the bills. We do this together.
I don't want to have to send him to his room to put on "ear muffs" so he won't hear us bare his idiot SpermGrandMa and BioDad's asses on their latest round of idiot crap that they try to pull around visitation, CS and paying for BioDad's share of uncovered medical expenses.
I just want THEM to leave the kid the hell alone and let him have his own life without the PAS guilt parenting crap.
That is what I want.
But what do they say? Shit in one hand and want in the other and tell me which hand fills up first.
In this case, it is useless to want. You can't reason with stupid people.
Just my thoughts of course.
Success is rarely final. Failure is rarely fatal. It is character, courage and consistency of effort that count. Vince Lombardi (with some minor Rags modifications) To each according to their performance, screw Karl Marx. (Rags)
I like this thread...
because it really does get you to think...after all the venting we do...what is it that we REALLY want? For me, I want two things:
1) I want my FH to start loving me as much as he loves his daughter and I want him to put our relationship as top priority, and
2) I want my FH to stop being such a freak about his daughter. I want him to understand that if she sniffles or coughs once or twice, it doesn't mean she's sick and that he has to freak out and worry that she's going to end up in the hospital. He stresses about her to the point that he makes himself a nervous wreck...and she's a HEALTHY kid. I want him to not come rushing to her aid every time she whines. I want him to start letting her do more things for herself and to stop babying her. I get so mad at her for acting like a 4 year old, but then what can you expect when he TREATS her and TALKS to her like a 4 year old "BooBoo, come sit over here by Da-Da." Ugh!