glad to have you here. Second, I would not proceed any further until BF gets a divorce and CS is in writing. This forum is FULL of people who have been screwed by not getting receipts and paying CS in cash (my DH included). He needs to know that all he is paying will be wasted if he does not start getting receipts.
Also, get the book "Stepmonster". It's a great book and can guide you well on your journey.

I know you love this guy and he's all wonderful and great BUT...there's a HUGE BUT...alarms are going off in my head about his situation. My stepmom crystal ball tells me you will end up resenting this man and his princess for ruining your life and making you old n bitter due to dealing with their drama. TAKE IT SSSSSLLLLLOOOOOOOWW when dealing with this man. I SERIOUSLY recommend dating around A LOT more and seeing him once in a while only. Don't move in with him and don't spend more time with him until he gets his life together. Once he has his act together, then maybe you can talk about more serious things.

This is just my opinion based on what you've put in your blog...I want to grab you by the shoulders and scream DANGER DANGER!!! The man and his daughter sound like they need a warning label tattooed on them. And I'm not talking like this because he went to prison, anyone can make a mistake. I'm strictly talking about the living situation,his parenting skills,the behavior of his daughter,the behavior of the BM, and the fact that they're still married.

The thing that impresses me most about America is the way parents obey their children. ~Edward, Duke of Windsor, Look, 5 March 1957

crazed_n_confused have anything to do with dazed n confused. Sorry you sign in name made me think if that movie. I love that movie. Welcome to the sight

Welcome C_n_C!

To be honest, my DH and I began living together before either of us were divorced... which I don't think was the best idea. But that's in the past and we've since gotten married.

I'd insist your BF goes down to the local court house and file for divorce (if possible). In most states there is an instruction packet. There is probably a self help library as well to assist you with any legal terms that he doesn't understand. It's cheaper that way, and is good for people who didn't own much together (homes, cars, extravagant(sp) ways of living). This will save him tons of money. Also, he needs to get a custody/support order. My ex and I had an out of court temp agreement (aka verbal) to give me $200 EOW to cover childcare. Once we had a mediation date that agreement ended and an order for support was entered. This is a MUST, especially if BM is a liar.

RE his daughter: it's hard NOT to take things out on a child. You see her as competition. Believe me, I've been there. Truth is, your BF is the competition and his daughter is a child, who is only a product of the pathetic environment she's being raised in. Sad, but true.

To be 100% honest with you, I'd back off of the whole situation until he's free from the bonds of matrimony. That stupid piece of paper that makes a marriage legal stinks and you will not feel better about the situation until he's washed clean from it. How can he possible give you the glimmer of hope of becoming his wife when he still has one? Again, I've been there before. DH and I were ENGAGED... I had a beautiful ring etc but we were still married (but at least in the process of divorce)and every chance I got I'd say to DH, "YOUR WIFE" (meaning BM) whenever we were arguing. Did they live together? No. But just having that legality was enough to piss me off from time to time.

You're young, beautiful and baggage free (no kids of your own). I'd rethink the entire situation. There is a VERY good chance that SD and BM will NEVER change. There is also a VERY good chance that your BF will tolerate nonsence from both of those females forever. If that is something that is an absolute deal breaker, better to get out sooner than later.

"I aint no Carol Brady"

If he pays CS in cash and doesn't get a receipt, the payment doesn't exist in th eyes of the court! He absolutely should be paying for his child, but he absolutely must be getting receipts from the BM! No receipt, no money.

I also would try to have her sign something and get it notarized that says he paid Xamount of child support over the last however many years. That may not stand up in court, but it's something. If he can't prove he paid her, you're on the hook!

Also, if she's getting state assistance for his child, he would be on the hook for repaying that -- for the past 10 years?!

Think carefully about getting further involved in this situation, which looks as if it could cost you several tens of thousands of dollars over the next several years. If you two are together, that's money out of your pocket as well.

Proceed with caution!

The good thing is that you head is telling you there are some major things your BF needs to clean up before he can committ to you. 1. The divorce 2. child support and custody. Those two are huge. After those two issues, you are still signing up for a long, hard road of step-parenting.

When I met my BF, he had a small one bedroom apt. when SD came over EOW he gave her the bed and he took the couch. As we started to contemplate moving in together, I told him this was a no go. I wasn't giving up my bedroom every other weekend. SD either needed to sleep on the couch or we needed a bigger place. I lobbied hard to the bigger place and to make sure SD had a space of her own. You need a place to retreat and you need a place for SD to go to play, sleep, and for the occasional time-out if needed. I think of it as boxers retreating to their corners of the ring. If you are going to be a SP, you'll need that retreat.

My BF also guilt parented and treated SD like an equal to adults. She could not self-entertain. We've been together 6 years and SD is now 16. Some of the issues have abated, mostly due to the fact that SD wants nothing to do with us now and stopped EOW over a year ago. Others remained and were a constant struggle. SD has never learned to self entertain and wants contant attention and stimulation from adults. She lies and manipulates. She snoops through my things. She has zero work ethic and her school skills were subpar at age 10 and have not improved at all.

I came in the picture at age 10 and have worked to undo some of the damage BM and BF had done. But I was too late to the game. It has taken lots of work and struggle and fights to help BF see things more clearly and even now he sees too late. SD has flunked the last two grades and it not headed in a health direction.

If you hang around step talk, you'll read lots of horror stories. I suppose the most important thing to take away from this place is that we call came to be SP with hope. We thought we could help. We thought we could learn to love the kids. For most of us, it has been a very bumpy ride. One we would never repeat, though we struggle on for love of our partner. Your story is so similar to mine and others here. If you continue with your BF, things will be difficult. Really, Really difficult. Make you wish you are looked before you leapt difficult. Wouldn't do over difficult. You get the picture. You might be one of the few success stories, but it will take years of hard work, counseling, crying, sacrificing and spending nights on the couch. Your SD might be too far gone at age 9. She's spent the last 9 years learning all the ways to manipulate her parents. She's been taught she is more important than adults. That BF should cater to her. That she deserved disney land weekends. Your BM sounds like a piece of work and just wait till she is served with papers and she really tries to make your BF's life miserable.

Do lots of reading here before you decide to keep building a life with your BF. You are at a cross roads. Move on only when you fully understand what you are getting into and can accept the hard road you are picking.

I second what others have said.

1) Take it VERY slowly. Do not go ANY further until things change.

2) Do not go ANY further until your BF is legally divorced.

3) Buy the book Stepmonster. Read it and realize all the land mines you will be dodging.

4) Most of the women on this site, if given the chance to go back in time, would have RUN LIKE THE WIND away from their boyfriends or husbands. Most women here, if given a do-over, would NEVER have stayed with their BFs/DHs because of how difficult the stepmom situation is. A lot of them feel like they have ruined their lives by staying.

5) The ONLY hope of your relationship standing the test of time is if your BF decides that your relationship is the priority in his life. If he continues to guilt parent and pay more attention to the child's needs than your needs as a couple, the relationship won't survive. Period. The book Stepmonster should help you with this. Read it, and then have your BF read all the sections of it that you want him to read. If he doesn't have a major attitude adjustment after reading it, then you need to admit defeat and move on.

BB

- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)