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griver's picture

Submitted by griver on Tue, 07/28/2009 - 1:25pm

1st time blogger..engaged to 49yr old DF. I am 53, second marriage. I have no children (medical reason's). DF, 3 adult children. SD 24, SS 22 and SD 19. BM still a big part of DF life even tho kids are adults. SS seems to be nice to me but the girls are not. SD19 is horrible and when i try to talk to DF regarding this he is defensive. He tells me girls are protective of him. I tell him it hurts my feelings. I own my home, same job 24 yrs, wonderful siblings, parents, nieces, nephews. No baggage. Have never had trouble meeting new people. Have been with DF for almost 4 yrs. He wants us to be married. I am unsure becoz of his children. The girls always talk about BM when their father and I are together. When DF is at my home, SD19 calls his cell constantly. DF is kind to me and has good qualities. He has been divorced for 15 yrs. He tells me daughters will grow to like me. Hello, its been 4 yrs! Wondering if this situation will really ever change? BM calls DF with everyday kid troubles when i think she would only call if they are hurt. SD19 and SS22 still live with their mother and her third husband.

Comments

belleboudeuse's picture

Submitted by belleboudeuse on Tue, 07/28/2009 - 1:32pm

I strongly urge you to buy the book Stepmonster. It does an excellent job of explaining how the dynamic in relationships with children from previous marriages gets complicated, and how the stepmother role is the hardest. It actually says that, contrary to what you might think, women who met their stepkids as adults often have the hardest time! Get the book, read it, and then have your BF read it or at least the parts you think he should read. It's really on him to change the dynamic here and to make the kids understand that they need to always treat you with respect.

The bottom line is, if HE doesn't demand it of his kids, it isn't going to happen. I think you're smart to be wary of marriage until this is resolved. Definitely don't marry until you feel things have changed to your satisfaction.

BB

- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)

Sia's picture

Submitted by Sia on Tue, 07/28/2009 - 1:44pm

I was going to tell you to get that book too! hahaah

jojo71's picture

Submitted by jojo71 on Tue, 07/28/2009 - 1:51pm

He's been divorced 15 years???....and these steps are adults???....and you've been together for 4 years???? Geez, I don't know but if they haven't grasped reality yet, I don't know if they ever will. Maybe the book will help you, but it sounds to me like these "kids" need to grow up!

griver's picture

Submitted by griver on Tue, 07/28/2009 - 2:01pm

Yes, 15 yrs and they are adults. Seems silly that i seem confused when really i know what i should do.. the heart always seems to get in the way! Thanks for writing

Abigail's picture

Submitted by Abigail on Tue, 07/28/2009 - 2:58pm

He has to sit them down and let them know you are to be his wife and respected and even if they don't like you, they need to honor you and his decision. He must require them to be polite and respectful to you.

I married a man with teenage children 2 years ago. It was awful. Especially the girl. They don't like the competition and will try to drive you away unless DF stands up to them. Mine finally did after I planned to walk. I am still so angry at how they all treated me, I can barely talk to them.

Did DF have a girlfriend before? Wonder how that went. Maybe he's defensive because he already had another disaster. I recommend Stepmonster too.

Good luck

"Evil Stepmothers aren't born, it comes with the territory"

griver's picture

Submitted by griver on Wed, 07/29/2009 - 11:43am

Yes, the DF had a girlfriend for almost 9 yrs and there was trouble with the children then too. Of course this was over 4 yrs ago and the kids were younger. It seems like nothing has changed tho. I understand that he loves his children but i have done nothing for them to dislike me. Honestly i feel like i have put up with more then most women would. I am getting tired feeling like i am the bad guy. Thanks for writing

HeatherM's picture

Submitted by HeatherM on Tue, 07/28/2009 - 4:30pm

and I were 52 years old... I would not marry this man. That's just my opinion... Women are so free at 52 years old... by free I mean that those of us who seem to take a long time, have by the time we've reached our 50's come into our own... I wouldn't break up with him.. but to marry him? No I wouldn't... Do you want to be divorced at 55? Why? I think sometimes marriage is overrated. I'm not one to talk as this is my second marriage.... I said I'd never marry again, and now look at me! Smile
Ah well... I just know if I were in my 50's... I would enjoy my life instead of dragging myself down with inmature adult stepkids.. blah.. no way!

bewitched's picture

Submitted by bewitched on Tue, 07/28/2009 - 9:40pm

"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere

by defending their rudeness, and claiming it's because they are protective of. What a load of nonsense. The only thing they are protecting is having "daddy" all to themselves.

IMHO, if he won't defend you and expects you to accept this behaviour BEFORE you're married, it's not going to change for the better after you marry him. Trust me, a vicious, jealous teenage SD and her indugling father can damage a marriage just as badly as an affair.

And yes, this is the voice of experience talking.