I have been in this situation, but it would be my BD stealing from us before she went to her dads (she made the option to live with him) she would take $$$ from ss who was 5 at the time. I was furious and she wasn't able to come back for a few weeks and had to pay ss back. I was so embarrassed, I teach my children right from wrong, even ss who us heavily influenced by his BM who lives by right and wrong choices.
Maybe ur sd shouldn't be allowed a visit or 2 from u and dh! She needs to ne accountable for her actions and think twice about taking things that aren't hers without asking.

I am so with u on the clothes issues. We have to send ss to his grandparent so his bm can have supervised visitations in clothes that we don't mind gettin thrashed. It sucks! He can't take his fav toys cuz we will never see them again, we just explain to ss that we want to keep then here so he has them to enjoy.

Do u document things as they happen? We have learned to do that.

used to do the same thing. Drove me nuts. But her mentallity was that we weren't "using" it so it was fair game to her. She has NO concept of boundaries, so we were constantly at odds. I still don't like her in my home without someone there. It rarely ever happens now, as she has moved in with BM.

Good for DH! I love it when they stand up for themselves and their households!

We have to do the same thing with SS8's clothes. The Weasel will send him over in old, mismatched, too small, wrong season clothes and keep the good clothes we buy for him. Luckily Dudebug hasn't tried sneaking things back and forth. Although I remember one Christmas morning where he wanted to bring the presents we had given him to his BMs house. I said "no" because I knew we'd never see them again and he'd forget that he got them from us. DHs mother looked at me like I'm a monster for telling her precious grandson "no" and on Christmas!

my deodorant, which made me mad because that was the only deodorant I had. At first I didn't accuse her but then I called Blabb, and she admitted it. I asked her WHY she wanted my deodorant! And she said it's because kids at school called her smelly, so she wanted to use my deodorant (which she likes the smell of). I told her that all she had to do was ask me and we could have gone to the store and gotten some deodorant and body spray for her. I also mentioned that taking a shower more often would help make her smell better.

"Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened." Dr. Seuss

I too deal with the whole thieving situation. But just from my SS. Both kids know the only thing allowed to go to BM's house is clothing, daily meds and any other meds they might be on if any. That's where we draw the line. We know if anything else went over it wouldn't come back or it would come back ruined. But SS had stolen things from other kids at school. Food, small objects (usually toys), he has been caught red handed by me sneaking things to school. I got so fed up I started searching his backpack every morning as well as his pockets plus when he came home. If something came home that was questionable...I was on the phone with the teacher so fast he couldn't think straight. It got so tiresome for me that I turned around and told him if he can't be trusted then every toy he owns will end up at good will. After that threat he makes sure he doesn't step on my toes the wrong way. I still search him from time to time but he will never know when.

Step-demon has huge ownership and boundary issues as well. If she's touching it, it's hers. I've gone into her room millions of times to retrieve items that belong to either DH, me or the "house".

But I'm evil and stupid, so by simply telling step-demon "You can use this if you ask first and put it back when you're done." has always been useless.

Now I don't even bother to be nice. I walk into her room, grab what doesn't belong and put it away.

And Uber-Skank is the same way. The 'entitlement" twins, that's what they are!

“Be like a duck. Calm on the surface, but always paddling like the dickens underneath.”
Michael Caine

We have had this issue as well and instead of getting angry with SD I went ahead and bought a cheaper version of the items SD uses at our house to take with her to BM house. It helped out A LOT! I am all about the kids when it comes to these issues. I know it's not fair because we end buying more than BM does but I also know BM wont take the time or spend the money to buy SD the things she likes. It was great that DH spoke up about it all but maybe adding on the guilt wasn't the best way to handle the situation. I don't know much about your situation but I was a product of divorced parents and one house always had better stuff than the other and I ALWAYS tried taking things from the better house to the house that had crappy stuff.

I totally understand what it is like to drop the skids off in nice clothes but have them returned in junk...to solve this problem hubby and I started buying tshirts and shorts/pants from the second hand stores just for the exchanges. Those clothes seem to make their way back to our house and when the skids outgrow them we donate them right back to the second hand store we bought them. We also have 1 pair of shoes used specifically for the exchanges.

I truly believe there is a very special place in heaven for step parents!

This was also a problem with my skids and it would have been a lot worse if we hadn't nipped it in the bud early on. Their BM is total white trash and models lying and a complete lack of values for them, so the burden of raising them to be even somewhat decent is on us. Her house looks like a condemned shack and the inside is no better. Unfortunately, the skids room there looks like a tornado hit a trailer trash yard sale and the skids come over to our place looking disheveled and usually smelling bad. She hasn't taught them any hygiene and surprisingly enough they have come to love that I take care of them and make sure they are in clean, comfortable clothes and I have them take daily baths and have taught them to use shampoo, lotion, toothpaste, etc... I make it fun and it is heartbreaking to see how much they crave any attention at all. I also give them haircuts and I wonder how long their hair would have to get before she would do something about it.

Anway, because of this, the older skid tried to take deodorant, lotion and shampoo to Psycho's as well as clothes, his laptop and a few of my books (from my childhood-that I have in their room for them to read). It was really sad and when we confronted him, he burst into tears and went on a rant about how his mom doesn't have any of that kind of stuff for him. We explained about the rules (no bathroom products, computers, toys or books go to Psycho's) and the importance of coming to us with a problem and not sneaking and lying. He responded pretty well and it hasn't been a problem since, although I keep an eye on things just in case. We buy them quality clothes, toys and bath products and can't control that Psycho is filthy and has no standards. I ended up getting both my skids a travel kit that they can keep in their bags (thought it would be less likely to get thrown out by Psycho that way) and that worked although apparently Psycho had a temper tantrum when she found them, but allowed the skids to keep them because she didn't want them to like me better or side with me against her. I think it is so sad that, judging from this page alone, this seems to be a very common problem. I think these skids only steal things because they aren't having their needs met at their BM's homes and they don't have the inherent value systems to know that stealing is wrong. Now my skids don't try to take things to Psycho's, but they frequently complain about the lack of things they need (nothing that social services would care about, unfortunately) and we can't do a thing about it.

One thing that has made an improvement, i've discovered is a very easy manipulation of Psycho. She is so pathetic and desperate as a person and is terrified of the skids liking/loving me as much or more than they do her and so if I do something for them that causes them to rave about how much they love me, it usually spurs her to try to top me and do something similar. In this way, I have been able to buy them nice clothes (Old Navy is great! Durable, inexpensive and the skids like the clothes) and make a big deal out of them being presents from me and then they promptly run home to Psycho and rave about how they love the clothes from Step-mom and then lo and behold, by the next week, they have more new clothes from Psycho (usually from the exact store that my purchase came from). It's so easy that it's kind of sad. She has no idea I am manipulating her, but the result is that the skids get their physical needs met better and so I have no problem with doing this.

I don't know if this would work with others because my situation has a strong jealousy/competition dynamic on Psycho's part. She even copies my haircuts and clothing because the skids think i'm pretty and fashionable and have taken to high fiving me when they like my clothes or earrings or whatever. I know they talk about me, because often when Psycho picks them up, they immediately start yammering to her (while they get their shoes on) about how pretty I look or how they like my dress. It is soooo satisfying! Haha, her face is priceless because she can't say anything nasty about me or the skids would side with me (it has happened before and they always defend or side with me, weirdly enough) and get mad at her. So she has to choke out some nice comment and it's completely hilarious. She usually shows up the next week wearing something similar and has copied my hair cuts (and even got a nose stud exactly like mine!). Anyway, it's entertaining and very pathetic, but if it improves the skids lot, them i'm fine with it. She can copy my clothes and hair all she wants (fortunately, she looks NOTHING like me).

Well, it is very comforting to know that there are so many smoms going through this kind of thing. I am beginning to realize that these situations happen not because of flaws in the skids, but major flaws in the BM's. These skids are just trying to get their needs met and it's sad that they haven't been taught how to do it in the right way. I have a friend with this situation and she is fantastic with her own daughter and her two SD's and she has taught them right from wrong, but their BM actively opposes her instructions and encourages her daughters to lie and steal and basically rewards them if they are disrespectful to my friend. It's really horrible! She is trying to get some sort of petty revenge and all that is happening is that she is harming her own daughters and turning them into the kind of people that lie and steal! It blows my mind.

"A lot of people are afraid to tell the truth. That’s where toughness comes into play. Toughness isn’t being a bully, it’s having a backbone.” ~Robert Kiyosaki

My SD does this all the time! She has more than she could ever want a BMs. BM spoils her, but there are certain items she loves at our house-- so she will often try to sneak things to BMs. BM would return them if she knew we wanted them back BUT SD tells her that we said she can keep them there.

I understand that the kids think "its my stuff" and it is. Yet when they live in two households things bought for one house do not go to the other. Crappy for them, I know, but that is one of the not great things about having a blended family.

Hi,
Had to speak out on this. My experience is that it's not about what your CS pays for, what you buy the SC - it's about respect. It's great that your husband supports you. My husband always provided for SD. The BM was the custodial parent but we had visitation during the summer and every other weekend during the school year. In addition to CS, we paid for private school tuition, books, hosted parties (birthday, halloween, etc)paid for prom night expenses (dress, nails etc). We didn't make a distinction about what child support provided for. I think you get the picture and STILL the SD would take my belongings. Makeup, hair products and tools, clothes, she even took my lingerie!! SD was very well provided for at her BM's and at our home. So why did she do this? I think that she simply wanted what I had. Jealousy, competition ... I don't know the reason. I finally had to lock up or hide most of my belongings. Maybe you'll have better luck because your husband is supportive. Mine did not believe that she took things "on purpose". Long story there - and I won't bore you with details. I suggest that the two of you sit her down and explain that taking things without asking is not acceptable and determine what consequences should be.

Glynne