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What would you do?

Snarky's picture

Submitted by Snarky on Fri, 07/24/2009 - 1:32am

I am in a real pickle here and need some sound advice from any of you who may have experience this issue. DH wants to take BM to a mediator and discuss why he wants the SK's on a more even basis. Currently the SK's come over EOW and for three hours one day per week. During the summer, we get them every other week. They have expressed, strongly, that they want to switch week on and week off with mom and dad. BM tells the kids that if they do this, they can just stay over at dads (although she guilts them into thinking they don't love her if they choose this option).

BM is a nasty bipolar meniacle (sp?) wench who bashes DH and me every chance she gets, and yes in front of the kids. Several years ago we had to get a restraining order against her because of her behavior towards DH and myself. She is now encouraging her oldest child to verbally assault me (this one is not allowed at our house any longer). So yes, I am literally fearful of this woman.

Here is my dilemma: DH wants ME to be with him during the mediation and my stomach is in knots thinking of sitting in the same room with this psycho. I know I am suppose to be the bigger person, but how? How do I turn off my instinct to run screaming from the sight of her? Now, I am a pretty strong person, but with this situation, I hesitate.

What would you do?

Comments

anabihibik's picture

Submitted by anabihibik on Fri, 07/24/2009 - 1:38am

I went to court with exFH when fighting for his kids knowing that BM and her psycho mother would be there. I was a nervous wreck. I went to Ann Taylor and bought myself a new suit and looked fabulous. Made me feel better (especially since they have the worst fashion sense). I know my safety "object" is slightly shallow, but it helped me. Can you think of anything that would make you feel more secure like that? Not wanting to deal with her is not a sign that you're not a strong person in this situation. It's a sign of self preservation which equals survival which equals strong. And, is completely natural. You could also look at pictures from last fall's YaYa retreat where we burned paper marche BM heads in a bon fire and then, picture BM's head on fire through the meeting. I recommend following said meeting with some pink panty pull downs. Wink

To every thing there is a season.

OldTimer's picture

Submitted by OldTimer on Fri, 07/24/2009 - 1:50am

Don't take this the wrong way, but...

Screw the BM, DON'T LET THAT WOMAN RENT SPACE IN YOUR HEAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Seriously. This is not about BM, this is about the KIDS. If the kids want to go week on, week off and it's what you and DH desire... do it despite all the tantrums that BM will boast, because it's her defense mechanism against you guys. It's a sure fire sign of INSECURITY. So ENJOY it! lol. (Not the drama, but the thought that causes the drama.)

What I find interesting is that usually, it's just the bios that go to mediation. When I went with DH, I had to sit and wait in the waiting room, they only wanted just the two parents involved. I was just there for moral support for DH, even though he really didn't need it.

OldTimer Wink
"Knowledge is often mistaken for intelligence. This is like mistaking a cup of milk for a cow."

anabihibik's picture

Submitted by anabihibik on Fri, 07/24/2009 - 2:30am

I like this suggestion better than mine.

To every thing there is a season.

TheCharm's picture

Submitted by TheCharm on Fri, 07/24/2009 - 7:27am

I have near-panic attacks knowing she and I are in the same building (grocery store). I can't imagine having to sit in a room with a closed door with The Weasel. If your DH wants you there, you should go for him. But I would think (just knowing The Weasel) that your presence will agitate the BM involved and probably make her even more irrational than usual.
I do like anabihibik's suggestion to make sure you look devastatingly good. Twist the knife!

mrsparks's picture

Submitted by mrsparks on Fri, 07/24/2009 - 8:31am

We went with the Guardian ad Litem- There is no reasoning with someone that is verbally abuse, nasty and crazy too as far as I'm concerned, is there a way you can skip mediation and go straight to the judge? I do realize that sometimes the judge will request mediation though, which is where the problem comes in..

Go with DH I went to the first court hearing with DH because BM is nuts and very unpredictable, the one time I didn't come with DH to a pick up of SS, she called the police on him..

Go and take deep breaths, I know it's much easier said than done..

belleboudeuse's picture

Submitted by belleboudeuse on Fri, 07/24/2009 - 9:31am

And I'm gonna haul out my mantra, which actually comes from Rags:

Pissing off the BM is a sport. Learn to enjoy it.

She will HATE that you're there. Focus on that, and it all gets easier. Every time I find out that there's an event where I will have to be near the BM, my first reaction is dread. But then I focus on how much she hates being around me, and I start to get geared up for how much she'll be suffering because of my presence. It really does work. Makes it almost enjoyable to be there! }:)

Focus, too, on the fact that your being there will give your DH much more courage because he'll have you in his corner. The two of you are more than the sum of your parts. I've seen that my DH is much more able to stick up for himself and his kids in a dispute with BM when I'm around. (She will hate that, too -- how fun!!!)

BB

- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)

Sia's picture

Submitted by Sia on Fri, 07/24/2009 - 11:17am

schizophrenic! She's got it all! We never had to go to mediation or had a GAL. But, once in my infinite wisdom, I decided we should have her come to one of the girls' counseling sessions so that maybe she would understand the hurt she was causing them/us. ppfftt what a joke that was! All the many, many times we went to court against her, I went. I wish now, that I would have stayed out of all of it. I think if you dont want to go, don't. Just know that someone who is BP usually has a hard time relating to others in a calm, rational sense. Nothing will be accomplished and it will lead no where. Maybe I am being to "negative", but it just never did with us. Maybe it will help?

Snarky's picture

Submitted by Snarky on Fri, 07/24/2009 - 1:42pm

her true nature, and the mediator will see how she acts towards DH and myself (and thus towards SK's)? My thought is that IF I go, she will be so taken aback and shocked that she will be thrown off, revealing who she really is. Isn't there some sort of psychologist who watches you as you sit there talking? Ughh, wish my mind could go numb so I can sit there with a stupid smile on my face the whole time.

I am also torn because this woman has not changed her ways over the last four years. The ONLY reason we are doing this is for the kids, because they are asking for more time with DH. Nothing we have done in the past (like Sia) has changed her behavior. She loves to hurt people and watch their agony; ie, her own mother, brother, ex-boyfriend (father of her last child) etc. Belle, maybe you are right. It's time for her to enjoy some agony by seeing me at the kids events etc. I hate being that way, but damn it, she needs to know that her evil ways have no effect on me!

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils ... - Louis Hector Berlioz

OldTimer's picture

Submitted by OldTimer on Wed, 07/29/2009 - 2:54am

Not necessarily... it depends on your mediator and how biased they are. And no, psychologist do not sit in on mediation unless so ordered by a judge for cause of evaluation.... that's usually extremely difficult to get a judge to do that.

You should never do anything FOR this woman, and you should never expect her to change her ways, period. You know this, we don't need to tell you that. By all means, EVERYTHING you do (hear me people!!!) EVERY stitch that you do from here on out, in mediation, custody proceedings, court, etc... EVERYTHING should always be based on and for the children- regardless of BM. For one, this shows better favor in an eyes of a judge, and two, you're not acknowledging that she has power of "say so".

You should never shelter yourself from the kids activities, and most of all... you need to stand up to this woman AS A FAMILY. That means, if there is a stepkid event, you NEED to be at all functions, despite the scene she may cause, just be prepared for it, and do not acknowledge her antics. Don't sink to her level, and most of all, just do things for the kids. You and DH are now an item, (not her and DH) you are HER CHILDREN'S stepmom- there is nothing that she can control about that, period. Don't give her the power she thinks she has over you.

Just irks me whenever I read about these psycho BM's who think they own the world by the a$$... they don't. So, prove it to her. LOL.

And if all else fails.... carry a big stick with you, walk lightly. Sometimes, it's fun to just look at them with a flatpan stare and start talking to your self...

OldTimer Wink
"Knowledge is often mistaken for intelligence. This is like mistaking a cup of milk for a cow."

Snarky's picture

Submitted by Snarky on Wed, 07/29/2009 - 3:42am

After reading these posts, and yours especialy, I feel more and more that it is time to put my foot down. She is a low-class person who exhibits low-class behavior, and I am the exact opposite. I'm hiding in the shadows to avoid her; however, I do have to mention that I have a chronic illness which flares with stress and that has also kept me away from those 'situations'. But now, knowing that life is short and I want to see my stepkids in school events etc, I want TT to see DH and I together, and show her we are hopelessly in love, and most of all, I want the stepkids to see my smiling face watching them with pure love at their events.

Now, if I could just turn TT's volume down, it'll be easier to ignore her. Any suggestions? The only thing I can think of is imagining her in an ill fitting hooker outfit, hairy arms, and an adams apple wearing blue eye shadow and bright red lipstick making gutteral noises in the attempt to speak.

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils ... - Louis Hector Berlioz

OldTimer's picture

Submitted by OldTimer on Mon, 08/03/2009 - 1:49am

"...ill fitting hooker outfit, hairy arms, and an adams apple wearing blue eye shadow and bright red lipstick making gutteral noises in the attempt to speak."

Now, THAT'S thinking!!! ROTFLMAO!!!! Hilarious...

Second, by avoiding situations that BM creates, you're not really teaching the kids how to deal with conflict, and also the best thing you could ever do for the kids, is be there at their events. Actions speak so much louder than words... so don't hold back. Show the kids you love and support THEM... not BM!

You can do it. And sorry to hear of the chronic illness, but somehow, I do think if you have enough support around you, you'll be okay. I don't do well in stressful situations myself, but I have learned how to disengage.

OldTimer Wink
"Knowledge is often mistaken for intelligence. This is like mistaking a cup of milk for a cow."

DeepSigh's picture

Submitted by DeepSigh on Fri, 07/24/2009 - 4:02pm

Dealing with the ex is never pleasurable... and anyone who says that it is.... HAS TO BE OUTTA THEIR MINDS! If you love you man, then support him like you would want him to support you. Chances are he will stick to his guns more when you are in the room and he can't be influenced to be pursued by her in any way.

Stick's picture

Submitted by Stick on Fri, 07/24/2009 - 4:24pm

I'd go for 4 reasons...

1. To Show DH that you will be there to support him, when he asked you to.

2. To Show BM that you and DH are now and will always be a "joint" force. His asking you to be at mediation sends her a very clear message that you and he are married. And she needs to accept your presence in all facets of their divorced relationship.

3. To Protect my own interests.

4. To be able to really know what is in the children's best interests. You have the advantage of being in and "out" of the situation at the same time. So you can see all sides clearer. A very important vantage point!

Who cares really, if she's uncomfortable? Does she care when she makes you uncomfortable with her requests to DH? Does she care if you even have a say if her requests affect you? Probably not.

If you can - hold your head high and go - secure in the knowledge that your HUSBAND ASKED YOU to be by his side.

So many women on here don't have this opportunity. So many women on here need to be able to have their husband support them emotionally. This is your chance! To support him... and by doing so, having him support you in the future!

I'm usually miss "get-along" gal and very very cognizant of BM's feelings. But in this case, I WISH I'd have been with DH in their mediation. This is for DH, YOU AND KIDS. And I'm sorry, but I don't really care about BM's feelings. And I hope you feel the same too (in this particular instance.)

Good luck Snarky-girl!! Let us know how it goes!!

Snarky's picture

Submitted by Snarky on Wed, 07/29/2009 - 9:01am

MAN it would be so cool if all you fabulous ladies could be there! Thanks all of you for the supportive words on this issue, it just reinforces how I truly feel and makes me feel gung ho to get my butt to mediation. I will absolutely blog about the events as they happen. DH has to make the appt with the mediator, when he does, life as she knows it will change.....uncomfortably!

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils ... - Louis Hector Berlioz