I paid the legal fees for getting SS full-time because BM was planning on leaving the state with SS but I told DH that this would be the only time I would foot the bill.

We haven't had to take BM back to court in awhile but if we did he'd have to take it out of his own money and not mine or our joint finances.

I hope you are doing okay honey!!

I try not to let myself play into this line of thinking. Would I be better off financially if I had not met DH? Sure!!

But the reality is, I could be hit by a truck tomorrow! And my financial security would have went out the window.

If you can, try not to ponder too hard on the "what would have been"''s... It will just drive you crazy!

Love ya girlie!

We just recently paid off BF's credit card bill from nearly 15 years ago's legal fees that were just to get EOW visitation for SD16. BF has almost nothing in the way of retirement saved, but he does get a state pension unless the state goes bankrupt before then. No other savings. Something always comes up with SD like braces, doctors bills, summer school. He can never get ahead. I refuse to have anything to do with the financing of SD or BM directly. I realize that indirectly I do pick up the financial slack in our household. I try not to let it bug me, but sometimes I can't hold it in. A few times I have ranted at BF about it which usually result in BF feeling awful and trying to give to contribute more (usually by charging things to his credit card which just deepens the problem). My new trick is to take myself for shopping therapy when I feel like I'm paying more than my share. If I treat myself to something, I usually can get over it and look at the bigger picture. I will say if I loved my BF one iota less, just the financial drama would be enought to call it quits. Let alone all the other types of drama.

I on the other hand am in my late 20's (BF is 10 yrs. older)have an IRA that I regularly contribute to, a profit sharing plan at work, and I have already purchased a long-term care plan. I also recently bought a few stocks because the market can't suck forever and they were affordable in the depressed market. I purchased the long-term care plan because 1. they are cheaper the younger you buy them and 2. Since BF is older I expect it likely I will be a widow at some point. 3. I don't want or expect SD to take care of me in my old age. 4. I don't expect any future nephews or nieces will want to be saddled with me in my old age either.

I freely admit that I resent the drain BM and SD are on our finances. It bugs me to no end. It might be irrational or unhealthy but I feel like I am also paying for BF's mistakes emotionally and financially. And it just doesn't seem fair. Yeah, I know life isn't fair, but it doesn't mean I have to like it or that I have to throw my money away. It is part of the reason BF is BF not DH. We are intentionally waiting to get married until SD is 18. By that time we will have been together for 8 long years. We own a home and cars together, but BF feels he can't get married until he is free of his financial noose and I don't want to be responsible for SD in anyway. In the early years when I was full of hope, I was willing to be a full step-mom, but after all the pain and drama. I like being able to wash my hands and say not by problem, not my legal responsibility.

Thankfully BF doesn't want full custody of SD and so we likely will not be having future legal bills of that kind. I can also see the light at the end of the tunnel since we only have 655 days of child support left.Yes, I'm counting down.

I'm glad you checked in BW, I was wondering how the divorce was preceeding. Keep your chin up, things will turn around and life will get better. Time makes everything better.

When I was married DH and his ex had a huge custody battle over 2 of his sons. She in the middle of the night fled from S. Cal, to Texas and got married. We spent thousands and thousands of dollars fighting it...lost. It was very difficult but we finally a couple of months later got youngest for visitation, while here in CA he asked his dad if he could stay and live with us and enroll in new school where we lived. He said since he had to start over, he would prefer to start over with us in CA, not with his mom and new step dad in TX. My husband was so torn, he finally called BM and told her that son wanted to stay here and he was going to let him stay. Well, he started school, 6th grade, after about 2 weeks after school started we got a call from the school one day that ss was kidnapped while walking to school. We knew immediately what had happened, BM talked older sons (then in their late teens and early 20's) into picking up their brother off the street, which they did with him kicking and screaming. We spent about $30,000 fighting to get him back. Tried to stop her at the airlines, but she took off in the middle of the night under an assumed name. We followed to TX, got an attorney there and took her to court, the judge (Sam Houston was his name) would not listen to what SS wanted and gave his mother full custody and let him stay in TX. When we were saying goodbye to him in one of the rooms in the courthouse, it had a fire escape. SS said to us, let's just run down the steps right now and get in your car and fly back to CA. It was very difficult but we explained to him that it would just keep going and going. That perhaps when he was a little older we could go back to court and find a judge that would listen to what he wanted. Well, we never went back to court, because in a year he was happy living in TX, great house, good school, BM was happy, a lot of PAS. We ended up selling our house to pay the attorney's fees. We had only been married about 3 years at that time, and ended up staying together for another 19 years before divorce. I gave up a lot for his 5 kids through those years. I always felt my ex was never happy with just me, then just me and our daughter.

I think my husband worries about money more then me.
He bust his balls trying to get a buisness up and going,
making ends meet,and paying CS. what pisses me off more is that the OLD BAG doesn't work and according to the laws of MN, the moms don't have to, yes he should of had his baggage all taken care of way before we even met, but they didn't and 2 months after our wedding the county came knocking, so do i resent him? Hell ya I do, I didn't sign up for this crap. do I support him? at times. I should do more of it, (then fight him on it.) do we know when to quit dumping money into a situation that we know is not going to go our way? YOU BET.
The laws are for the MOMS,the laws protect the MOMS,I'm not saying my SS is not worth the fight, but we decided that eventually he's gonna grow up and start pushing his weight around. why fight, dump a crap load of money into him,when really I don't think the kid cares eather way, I didn't grow up with money, I didn't have it the first time I was married, and I know in 6 1/2 years it will all be over........ I think people really just need to be smarter, when it comes to spending all this, are you fighting the Ex just to win, Or is there really a situation that needs to be fixed? we stopped at about 5 grand,and we got no more time with him then we would of without an attourney... really take a look at what is realistic.

My God Hanny how awful!! and the friend!! I just refinanced almost $20K of debt from various stupid misdeeds and living beyond means. Neither me nor DH will ever let one dime go unspent, and it is true that while I don't make as much as he does, mine is the disposable income and it does get disposed. I really want to try to do better and I want to get a will THIS YEAR because I am evil and don't want my property to go anywhere but where I want it! I am the one with property because he lost everything in his divorce.

Thanks for the reminder - you girls in your 20s are so smart to put some away now!!!!

"It's funny how dogs and cats know the inside of folks better than other folks do, isn't it?"
- Eleanor H. Porter (1868 - 1920), 'Pollyanna', 1912

Hi, Bewitched. I am so happy that you are digging yourself out! You can see the dirt flying from my own shovel as I dig out right beside you. One scoop at a time. We'll get there

I sold my home and put all the proceeds into "our" home. DH is on the deed, but not on the mortgages--oh no, that's all in my name. I paid for all our house renovations. DH kept his own house and rents it out--but I have paid for years of repairs and costs related to his home. I am not on the deed.

I took on DH's credit card debt because I had better credit and my interest rates were lower than his. I paid for his kids when we went on vacations. I footed the household bills so DH could spend more on his adult kids--bail, new cars, tickets, court costs, impound fees, gifts, and now, the Royal Wedding.

One day I woke up and realized how incredibly stupid I had been. I wanted to bang my head into a brick wall! I thought love would conquer all. I thought DH and I were a team, and I wanted to be a strong player. All along I was blinded by my emotions and wasn't paying attention to the reality of the situation.

Reality sucks. And now I shovel out of debt for the next 2-3 years. Debt I should never have taken on in the first place.

and future. Yes, I gave up the lake front condo, boat and Corvette to marry my wife and become Dad to my Son (SS) but I probably have more financial security at this point in my life than I would have had I bought the condo/boat/vette instead of marrying my wife.

My Wife and I have built a life together with significant focus on providing an example and opportunities for our Son.

I think the key is respect, cooperation and focus on the marriage as the heart of the family and not focusing on how to advance ourselves individually. Every opportunity we have had as individuals has been processed through the litmus test of its value and impact on the marriage. She has moved for my career because I am the primary income. I have moved for hers because of incredible opportunities she has earned.

If anything, I think my personal financial situation is strong because non of the family resources are mine. All family resources are ours. for the next 5yrs the primary financial investment/burden beyond our living expenses is our Son's education. We are revisiting our investment planning to push for the possibility of early retirement within 10yrs following SS's expulsion from the nest. 15 is more likely which would not be early for me (I would be 65 by then) but would be early for my wife who would be 53 at that time.

The burden of legal costs for protecting my SS relieved for us in ~2003. That is when we put the final stake in THEIR financial coffin to the point that they could no longer afford to do anything but what we told them to do within the framework of the Court Order. Now when they want to fight about something we just tell them to get a lawyer and that we will see them in court. They bitch and moan then crawl back in to their holes with no action. BioDad has bred the entire family in to near financial destitution and we exploit that every time they force us to.

Best regards,

Success is rarely final. Failure is rarely fatal. It is character, courage and consistency of effort that count. Vince Lombardi (with some minor Rags modifications) To each according to their performance, screw Karl Marx. (Rags)

I wish I had read that list of things before I got married. I think they should attach it to every marriage license application.

I too took on a LOT of DH's debt/ financial struggles when we got married. He couldn't afford anything. I footed the bill for everything, and now my credit (or lack thereof) is paying the price.

The financial drain of the failed first marriage with kids never ends. I really thought we would be different. I was smarter. Wrong. We keep our finances separate, but now all the bills I paid, all the repairs to the house I put on my CC's are all coming back to haunt me. We are better off now than we were a few months ago, but it is still a mess.

I have a 401K from my company, DH has no retirement plan. Who's money do you think we'll be living off of in 30 years? At least if something happens between us, I have that as a back up.

Exbeast gets so much bank from my DH it would bring tears to my eyes everytime I had to write a check for her. HE handles ALL of that sh*t. My money is MY money and never goes to BM and snowshyte(unless I choose to buy snowshyte something with my credit card...which is common bc I go gaga over cute girl clothes)

I can't complain about my finances being bad bc of BM or anything like that. I try not to dwell on how much she's getting in alimony and cs. The cs doesn't bother me nearly as much as the alimony though if I let myself think of it.

I'm blessed though...Dh makes more than enough to support exbeasts lazy a$$ and still have plenty for us. In the great big picture of it all,she gets peanuts from him compared to what he actually brings home. That's how I look at it just to keep from screaming in her face about living off alimony given by DH.

"We all have different desires and needs, but if we don't discover what we want from ourselves and what we stand for, we will live passively and unfulfilled.”