My Knot is Coming Undone
I was at the end of my rope, tied a knot to hang onto and now that knot is coming undone. Don't know what to do. SS and SD recently came to live with us after their BM passed away. SS is 14 and SD is 13. My son is 16 and our son is 11. Biggest problem is my SS. He is very angry, feels like he is constantly picked on, is disrespectful and always wants to pick a fight. He lies all the time and does not understand why no one believes him. This behavior was going on before his BM died, but now it is elevated and we are the only ones to deal with it, where he lived with her before and she got most of it. He has a nasty mouth, he blames everything on someone else and resents us telling him to do anything from brushing his teeth to taking out the garbage. He lived in another state with BM and of course is mad that we took him away from his friends and his home. He has a cell phone and we try to let him have communication with his friends and family, but we keep catching him telling lies about us, over-exaggerating incidences and on and on. He was seeing a psychologist with BM and was prescribed 3 different kinds of drugs. We have gotten him into a grieving children's group and are getting him into a LCSW. Signed him up to play football, then he broke his hand punching my son in the face (which was my fault too). I am trying to be patient with him. When we are not fighting, I tell him I love him, hug him and I praise him whenever he does something good. I try very hard to be fair to all of them, but no matter what I do, it is never good enough. I need help.....
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Wow, You are dealing with
Wow, You are dealing with difficult SKID issue.
It sounds like you are working really hard to move SKID forward in a positive direction. You are clearly working really hard to help SKID. You deserve both a thank you and some peace.
As you said, SKID had some problems prior to the death of BM so ....
Until SKID is able to accept some responsibility for HIS behavior and the consequences that arise from (that) behavior ...then it is likely he will continue to blame others for his problems.
If you have the ability to pick a therapist.... I would try to find a solution focused behaviorist who practices "reality therapy"
Reality therapy is a modality by William Glasser, MD (He has written several books aboout his work with adolescents)
It is not dry reading.
Wish you the very best!!
I know what your going
I know what your going through. My SS10, his mother died almost a year ago and he came to live with us and it's been a long haul ever since. He's jealous of our BD6. He lies constantly so he doesn't get in trouble. He's told stories to other people about us that weren't true either and it drove us nuts. So we called him out on them, but you have to do it in front of the people he told them too if possible. If not, then still call him out on it. There is shame in their face when you do that. So I understand where you are. My DH hasn't been in his life all these years due to a psycho BM so needless to say it's been a year of proving all her lies wrong and showing him we are not all that bad. Now do that on top of trying to teach him all the things he never knew. So half way we look like we are mean b/c we have rules he never had in his house and he doesn't like them and half bad b/c of the lies she already told. It's been still rough to this day. I think I was having the day your having today a week ago. You get so mad that you don't know what to do. You think about the easy way out (divorce), but you love your DH so it's not an option, you want to ignore the kids and maybe they will go away, you cry b/c you can't take it. Just remember you are the adult, don't let them break you. Look him in the eye and tell him your serious. Then on your own, count down the days till he is gone...hehehehe.
But really, I would start with taking the cell phone away. You lie, you don't get anything. Now you CAN"T talk to your friends and we pay your bill then say now I will be the evil step mom and ask him is that what you want, you want me to take the tv, computer, ipod, and whatever else there is in your room b/c I can? Take control b/c the kids will walk on you. Listen close to what is said and catch him in his lies before they come out. My ears are always open in my house. The one thing I told my SS10 is do you know what Juvenile detention is? (not sure where you are from, but where I live, it's where kids who are under 18 go when they are bad and do horrible things) well tell him, this is our house, these are our rules, you abide by them or this is where you will end up once you get in trouble. If you think our house is horrible how would you like to live in a foster home where a handful of kids live in one room who wait for other families to adopt them.
Maybe take the kids on a tour of the jail closest to you so they could see what it's like when you do things. Have the "you are old enough to take responsibility for your own actions talk" (if you didn't already) and if he does something wrong, he has to own up to it. Call him out on it and wait for an answer.
One of the main things is that your DH and you HAVE to be on the same page.
Thanks everyone. It actually
Thanks everyone. It actually helped to write it out yesterday. So, this morning he threw a temper tantrum in the car on the way to school because he didn't have time to eat breakfast--he would not get out of bed. He cried and stomped his feet like a two-year-old! Now SD13 is becoming protective of him, even though he annoys the hell out of her too. She is trying to take over the role of mother to him because he takes things better from her. I am torn in this situation. I am the parent, he should be listening to me and she doesn't need that burden, but on the other hand, things are a little calmer and we don't have as many erruptions. SS has also been sleeping in SD's bedroom the last few nights so he doesn't fight with BS11. I don't think this needs to continue either. I feel like I am spending all of my time and energy trying to fix this situation all by myself--no one sees what I am doing and I get the blame for everything that goes wrong. You may be asking where is my husband during all of this, after all they are his kids. He is working two jobs right now, because we are quite financially strapped. He is home weekends and he always tells me how wonderful and amazing I am, but it is just not enough. I can't walk away from him because of SS (he is actually afraid I will). I wouldn't do that to my SD, who is very attached to me and to our BS. It helps to hear I am not alone. Thank you.