Baby Blues
My cousin had a baby in January and asked me to be his godmother. I have never been a kid person but he is the cutest, chubbiest, happiest little baby and I LOVE LOVE LOVE him!!! Since she got pregnant I started thinking about having a baby and when he was born I contracted baby fever. Bad.
I am still pretty young and honestly DH and I are not financially stable enough to have a child right now. We opened up a store a little over a year ago and it isn't going very well. We are even thinking about closing it. He and I both have jobs outside of the store but every penny we have left over is invested into the store.
I have been especially sad about this for a few days and DH asked me what was wrong. I told him and he asked me, "If you were married to someone else right now, would you want a kid?" We both knew what he was asking and to be honest, I wouldn't. And so I told him so. He said he didn't understand and I told him, "How do you not understand? Isn't it reasonable to think that if I am raising a child that isn't mine, I would want one of my own?" He said that sounded mean and I asked why and he said it made me sound very envious. So I told him, well I am. I am so envious, I am so jealous of what you and SS have and I want that for myself.
Ok, so this is probably not the best reason to have a kid I realize that, and I also realize that I am not in the right place financially, and clearly DH and I could be in a better place and maybe I did sound petty and envious but every time I see DH and SS my uterus aches! I can't help it, I have begun to want a baby of my own so so badly and I can't stand it sometimes. We have SS every weekend, and every weekend I am the third wheel watching DH and SS and their special bond and I want that so badly and DH just doesn't get it because he already has it. And he is not a guilty dad (although sometimes he does give in on things he shouldn't), and he always tries to include me in all decisions and activities, always backs me up if I parent SS and always decides on things w me before making plans or altering the CO.
Ugh I am so blue tonight.
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Comments
Thank you so much turtles. I
Thank you so much turtles. I really needed that. It is so sad that someone I have never met from an online site can understand me better than my own husband, not to mention offer me more support. We really had a blow up about this after I posted where he told me it might be better for me to just not be around SS. That would be great except he works days while I am at the store and I work in the afternoon while he stays at the store and we don't spend any time together as it is. He leaves at 8 am and I am not home till 8 pm. It is awful and giving up my weekends w him doesn't really seem like a solution to me, I can't believe he even mentioned it as a solution. I know for some disengaging works but I feel like this is even beyond disengaging, and when I got married it was supposed to be forever, not just Monday thru Friday.
This thought has definitely
This thought has definitely crossed my mind. The way things are going I don't think we will be financially ready any time soon and I am afraid my time will pass. But I can't make a baby w out DHs help and he wont help me out so I guess that is that for now.
I have always wanted kids, I
I have always wanted kids, I think having SS around just sped up the desire. If he weren't around I might wait a bit but it would still happen. The thing is, I always thought about having kids once I had had enough of my husband. Once we had had enough of going to the movies alone and running away for the weekend and spending the whole day in bed. I wanted to travel! But we never do any of these things anyway because we don't have any free time when SS isn't here, so really what am I waiting for?