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Who am I REALLY doing the favor for?

YogaChick's picture

Submitted by YogaChick on Fri, 07/24/2009 - 4:29pm

A little background. DH and I have been married 6 years. We both have 2 children from previous marriages. We have my kids full time, they see their father only a few times a year. He is a total loser, never paid CS in his life, but he stays away and because he is not so great of a person (to say the least) I leave it alone. My DH on the other hand has a BM from hell. She bailed on him and her kids when they were still in diapers and decided she didn’t want to be a wife or a mother. THAT IS, until I came into the picture. Long story short, they now have 50/50 custody. They are with us one week and her one week. My only problems with her relate to what a crappy parent she is to her kids. It is really quite sad. Well, after going through years of court with my DH, being put on anti-depressants for stress and anxiety attacks directly related to this biotch, I decided I had enough and disengaged. Things have been going well with that. I have had it pounded into me by the courts and BM that I am NOT these children’s parent, blah blah blah. Brings me to my question…. DH belongs to a social club. He is going to be gone, tonight AND Sat. night and he is gone usually a couple of times a month. Well, tonight is the night that the kids are supposed to come back home and I have to be honest. I really don’t feel like babysitting so my DH can go play. I feel that if raising their kids is between the two of them and he is not going to be around, they should just stay with her!? The problem is that my DH has never taken that stance with me. He has always backed me up as far as being considered one of the “parents” involved in raising these kids. But sometimes I feel like, Who am I really doing the favor for, my DH or the BM!? Any thoughts??

Comments

justwantpeace2's picture

Submitted by justwantpeace2 on Fri, 07/24/2009 - 6:39pm

It sounds like you would be doing the favor for your dh. If he has always backed you up as being a "parent" involved then he deserves your act of kindness. I'm sure that he will appreciate what you do for him!

Angel's picture

Submitted by Angel on Fri, 07/24/2009 - 8:54pm

a baby sitter for the BM and your husband. They should reschedule the visitation. I wouldn't put up with it----but maybe others would.

stepmom2one's picture

Submitted by stepmom2one on Sat, 07/25/2009 - 4:49pm

Well both, I think. You are watching the kids for her, it gets them out of her hair and your DH. He gets to go out and have fun without paying for a babysitter. Angel is right, if it bothers you so much try to switch the visitation.

My H and BM do the same thing (though I am civil with her, and can have stress free conversations with). BM will call on the weekend we have SD--she knows my H works till 430pm--and ask if she can drop SD off at 1 pm (well she has SD ask--which is fine). BM knows I will be watching her but after all the lies SD has told about me I am just glad she trust me enough to do this.

Or when SD misbehaved and was hitting BM SD stayed with us for a week. BM knows that I stay at home so she is well aware I have to care for her child.

So you are not alone there. I have tried, in the past, to have SD go where ever H did. He either could not go out EOW or he took her with him. But....we have 2 boys together so this simply is to hard to do. In order to treat the kids the same I ask SD who she wants to go with, she makes the choice. My H is happy she ALWAYS comes with me.

Abigail's picture

Submitted by Abigail on Sat, 07/25/2009 - 6:59pm

If you went out for the evening, would he watch your children? If yes, I would watch his as long as they weren't terrors from hell. If no, there is no way in the world I would do it. I would let him know that everyone has made it clear you are not the parent and you are not comfortable being put in that position.

"Evil Stepmothers aren't born, it comes with the territory"

2Bloved's picture

Submitted by 2Bloved on Sun, 07/26/2009 - 2:13pm

"I have had it pounded into me by the courts and BM that I am NOT these children’s parent, blah blah blah." <-- If you had included your DH in this, I would advise you to tell him to find another sitter. But if your DH has always been a parent to your children, is supportive of you being a parent to his, then I see no reason why you cannot spend some quality time with your SK's.