Aaaand she's back. Right on cue.
Well, sort of. Shes called a couple times this week and SO has picked her up. Which hasn't happened in the last few months. Only the weekends, every weekend, due in part to schooling and us working full time.
Just a refresher...
This last weekend when SD9 was here, she had a total and complete meltdown over us not going anywhere in the midst of a pandemic. Even though the night prior we had a small bonfire with a couple close family members for easter. She melted down to the point of telling me that she wanted me to kill myself in various ways. I wish I could share videos with you guys...
Anyway, there was also apart of this last weekend where SD told me that she knows my SO and I are intimate with each other (in more explicit terms, at 9 years old!) And also told me that we needed to stop all together because it makes her feel uncomfortable. She melted down again when I told her that that was her father and I's business and I wouldn't be discussing it with her. Pretty much "mind your business" without saying it. She lost it again. And you think the first meltdown was bad? Lol oh no. It got to a point where I felt a time out in the corner was in order and then all hell broke loose. She told me about how exs of her dads (that shes never met) would be better because they wouldn't sleep with her dad, (I guess that doesnt include her mother) and that she wishes I was never born so she didnt have to meet me. She told me that I'm the biggest piece of crap and so on and so forth. Normally she HATES BM but at that point she was SO much better than me and that's the ONLY person in the world she wanted at that very moment. She wanted us to take her back RIGHT NOW. This is a kid that normally gets ZERO discipline so a corner was WAY out of line in her eyes.
I picked her up friday night last week (by myself) and took her down to the bonfire. During the entirety of it she was back talking and starting drama with a cousin because the cousin wouldn't badger her own mom into letting SD spend the night. The next morning, Saturday, was when the other two melt downs ensued and SO ended up taking her back to BMs moms house because she was screaming at him about me too and just would not calm down. She wouldn't stop. Both of us were pieces of crap and didnt love her and we would be sorry. When he went to drop her off she told him she was going to kill herself and slammed the door. (That's been said by her many times when she cant control the situation by any effort she tries)
BMs mom got ahold of me later on and let me know that she had talked to SD and let her know that she cant treat people that way. She had her sitting and thinking about the situation. That's all well and good but keep her over there because I do NOT want to even lay eyes on that girl for a while.
Fast forward to wednesday night SD was calling SO to come back over. SO told her that he was in the midst of something and if he picked her up it would only be for less than an hour and he wouldn't be able to spend time with her. She argued but then accepted on the promise that he would get her the next evening, last night. And he did. Now SO is partially deaf. His stipulation was that if he picked her up the smart ass comments and hateful words had to stop. Everyone needs to get along or we are going to every other week from now on. SD said "ugh. Ok dad." Sarcastic voice.
The entire time she was here, from 530pm to 930pm (late I know, should of been 8 but she tugged daddies heart strings) she was throwing out smart ass comments where SO couldn't hear her. I left and went to help my grandfather really quick and when I walked through the door I heard "omg did you HAVE to come back?" Followed by "my mommy's the best ever, she said i can wear belly shirts now!" Which is bs. BM isnt there and BMs mom is old school, belly shirts ain't happening. "What is SHE making for dinner? I'm hungry." While I'm sitting right there, sarcastic of course. She would make it a point to interrupt anytime her dad and I would talk. Literally 2 seconds talking, she would hear it and SPRINT in to tell him, ask him or show him something. It got to a point where she would sit and watch and if SO and I entered the same room she would rush to get in and stand between us. Whole time its "daddy I love you, give me a hug!" Daddy, daddy, daddy. Repeatedly, within minutes, because she had run out of things to talk to him about.
I gave up and went back to my room until he took her back. Which of course turned into an arguement because SO said I treated him differently while she was here. I couldn't do anything with him or say anything to him because a 9 year old would wedge her way in to stop it. I just stayed away and ignored EVERYTHING. Atleast, I didnt say anything about any of it. He told me he never heard any of the comments, of course not because she knows better than to let you. I told him besides that the less he knows the less he has to deal with in his eyes. He didnt much like that.
So today he picked her up for the weekend again. We shall see how this goes. He told me before he left to get her that he had talked to her about the comments and being in adult business so things should be different... eye roll. Different this weekend MAYBE so she can come back next weekend to escape the rules at BMs moms house.
I tell you this, I refuse to pick up after her, talk to her or even look at her. Maybe that's childish of me but I'm tired of getting my throat torn out or having to worry about retaliation anytime she hears something she doesnt want to hear from her father or me. Like the word "no". Or "that's not yours, leave it alone" or "we dont have to go somewhere every weekend". Im always the target when she gets angry. God I wish I could share videos lol. Some of you probably think I'm crazy. But that's ok. Day in the life of a SM I guess.
She says shes sleeping out in the game room this weekend. (Right) so we will see how that goes. I wouldn't mind but I know SO will be pissed. (I know because it's happened before) Hes already upset because she cant sleep in our bed anymore. Her being out there will cause friction between us because "I cant get along with her" and she shouldn't feel the need to separate from us... shes 9 for crying out loud! Not to mention shes made sure to be around more than normal already. She doesnt feel the need to separated from him. Shes trying to punish him for being with me by "keeping distance". Because that ALWAYS works to get him snared again. If she doesnt want to be up his butt, no matter how crazy it makes him that she would be, he thinks hes losing her. She knows it and plays on it.
I know it sounds crazy that a 9 year old would do all this, atleast prior to moving in with them I myself would of thought that a 9 year old wouldn't be able to work people over like that, but she does. Its utterly Insane...
Anyways, wish me luck! Its gonna be a LONG weekend. Ugh...
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Comments
Nine year old little girls
Nine year old little girls with bad DNA are so much worse than people believe. It's scary how evil, manipulative, fake, rude, dramatic, and unstable a nine year old can be. Yours sounds much worse than mine and I can barely deal. I feel for you!
I'm definitely learning that.
I'm definitely learning that. Everything I thought about kids before these two has been decimated. He says that she's just a normal kid trying to make her way through. No. No she's not. My nieces and nephews, friends kids, little cousins etc etc all have their days, hell even adults do, but this kid is unlike any other I've ever met. My thoughts are with you, no one deserves to be treated shitty just because we love someone. Especially not by a kid
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She learned how to be like
She learned how to be like this from her parents.
I agree! That's been the
I agree! That's been the hardest thing for SO to grasp. I guess he doesnt want to see that hes not helping her by being a pushover and an enabler. Hes just as much at fault for the way she is as BM. Slowly but surely.
Your DH created this mess by
Your DH created this mess by allowing his daughter adult and spousal status and then you came along and now have to deal with the ramifications of such. She needs intensive therapy to reprogram her thinking that she is in fact a child, not an adult, and she needs to understand the difference between a child-parent relationship and a spouse-spouse relationship. This is all on your DH. The future will depend on what he'll do and I don't think that's too much based on what you post, unfortunately.
This. This struck a cord with
This. This struck a cord with me. In a great way! I've been telling him that I think SD thinks shes an adult. She acts like one. He agreed and told me that she was forced to grow up fast due to her mom not wanting to deal with her and wanting SD to be her friend and not her daughter. So he sees that as well. We were in the process of seeking out psychological help for her when the Covid mess took over. Currently she is supposed to be on medication but we cant get it at this time. Why I dont understand, you cant just stop giving them their medications. But BM is involved in that whole fiasco (surprisingly but not so) I've got no say in it.
He talked to a friend that placed the seed that SD doesnt understand that people can love more than one person and there are different types of love and relationships. I myself have tried talking to her in the past to let her know that what SO and I have is different than what SD and SO have and that nothing between him and I will change what's between her and him. She seemed to understand at the time, but it's always short lived.
I agree it's on him to fix. Lately hes been stepping up more, since the last big arguement we had that entailed me telling him that he is just as much at fault for all this as BM. It struck a nerve for him but it seems to of gotten through... only time will tell I guess.
"her mom ... wanting SD to be
"her mom ... wanting SD to be her friend and not her daughter"
Does he not realize that he is doing exactly the same thing? The only difference is the motivation.
I dont think he does although
I dont think he does although he says he sees it. But that hasnt stopped me from telling him as such as much as I can. It took me a while to start opening my mouth and when I did what I had to say pulled up alot of uncomfortable realizations. Hes started to face some of it, though. I dont expect him to tackle it all at once but SOME effort has to be put forward if he wants me staying.
Do you think he'd be open to
Do you think he'd be open to parenting classes to give him an idea about how to go about tackling the situation?
Absolutely this. Just the
Absolutely this. Just the details in OPs story...DH a pushover, no rules, sleeping with 9 yo, allowed kid to determine when she comes, not believing spouse, this is ALL her DH.
OP stop doing anything! You cooked them breakfast and left the room? Are you a hired chef? Just stop everything.
Yeah I definitely shouldnt
Yeah I definitely shouldnt have. Normally when it's just him and I it's me that cooks the meals. Another poster on another post told me that when shes here he should be the one to do any and everything she needs done. I have yet to implement that completely but I have stepped out in many other ways.
Exactly. Stop helping him. I
Exactly. Stop helping him. I mean my YSD isn't nearly so bad, she's pretty good, but DH enables everything, doesn't allow me to make any decisions, so he does it all when she's here and he knows it. But even so he doesn't change anything.
But it allows me some peace in that I have no responsibility for her.
He talked to her but never once disciplined her!!
he has enabled and encouraged her into miniwife status..
then he wants his 9yr old sleeping in your bed?? Hell to the eff no!! Even my husband suffers from guilty daddy syndrome but our bedroom at home or a hotel or hubbys childhood home is our “private sex romp headquarters” and 100% skid free. There is no emergency from them that warrants them coming to sleep in our room...
your husband does not respect you when he allowed this pos kid to talk like that.
Heck when my sd’s who were 23 & 14 at the time would smartass answer me back and do inappropriate things to my kids, all hell rained on hubby to sort this immediately and I specifically told him to grow a pair of balls because i know he has big balls and he needs to friggin use it... took some time and he told his eldest daughter how out of line they were and as his wife, they had to respect me as i am the mother of my 2 kids with hubby and i make the rules and hubby supports me since I primarily raise our kids and bot for 1 min can sd think she supercedes that authority ever.
if any of my sd’s decided to talk like that to me, they’d be crying in a short while from the reality check i gave to them and the mental breakdown they would have...
holy moly.... seriously stand up for yourself now and tell your husband, he ends this shit immediately and its not talking, actual discipline and repercussions that he holds her accountable for those bad actions
I do take ALOT of shit from
I do take ALOT of shit from her, and him for that matter, but I'm pretty outspoken as well. I wasn't at the beginning because I didnt feel it was my place. As time went on though and I started watching her full time and spending more time with her than any other person, I started to open my mouth. Why would I watch her like that and spend every waking moment with her, 80% of the time alone with her, if I've got no say in absolutely anything? Not happening. SO and I had a pretty good arguement a few months back over just that. He kept telling me that he doesnt know what to do when she starts her shit. Well If what you've been doing isnt working time to switch it up. And he has for the most part but his hardest obstacle is her puppy dog eyes and not giving in when she starts to pull at his heart strings. Which I get, you cant just change overnight. But consistency is key. I get that he doesnt want to be a mean dad or make her unhappy but theres a very defined difference between discipline for her own good and abusing her. I've never asked him to whoop her, pop her or anything of the sort. When things like what she does happen though you have to do SOMETHING.
Shes also has him feeling bad because he thinks that she thinks that the change in her and I's relationship happened because I just stopped wanting her around. (Because why would a 7, 8 or 9 year old see their own behavior as a problem) Theres ALOT more to it than that. He gets that... I think. Atleast he acts like he does. I get hes torn between his daughter and I, and I feel bad, but this would and will happen with any other woman that comes into his life UNTIL he changes and starts to work on the mess he has helped create.
So I buckle down and hold my ground. She wants me to leave. And if I do she will get exactly what she wants by doing the same thing she does to get everything else she wants. I refuse to let that happen. She wont run me like she runs everyone else. And that drives her absolutely insane. She doesnt dictate our relationship, she just complicates it. Which is really sad to say but for Pete's sake. 8 and a half more years and she will be18! Counting the days!
Don’t hold out that 18 is the magic year she is out of there
Plenty of 20-30yr old skids still living rent free with no job and no hope of moving out anytime soon
Hopefully that's not the case
Hopefully that's not the case. I do know that's a huge problem with these last generations, including my own. It wont be in my house though or he can move out and they can live together elsewhere.
This short little statement
This short little statement describes the entirety of your problem "I get that he doesnt want to be a mean dad or make her unhappy"
He wants to be fun friend dad just like he accuses BM of doing. BIG DH problem you have.
This child sounds deeply
This child sounds deeply mentally disturbed. It sounds like the crappy parenting and life experiences she has had are setting her up towards developing a personality disorder. If she doesn't get some mental health treatment soon, her issues will be lifelong and she will be a plague for you for as long as you stay. Your husband needs therapy too, to learn how to parent her. That's the only way i see this getting any better. Her father must realize what needs to be done and have the willingness and fortitude to stick with it.