Torn
I am a commuter. It takes me about 40 minutes from home to work. I don't mind my job as it is easy, however I have seen an employment posting that I have been waiting for for 3 years now. Unfortunately it is in a city 2 hours away, I used to live in this city and always felt that is where I wanted to be. I would love to apply for my dream job, however I know BF will never move away because of his children. I feel so torn as I have committeed to him and our life, but feel as though I am constantly turning down opportunities to make my life more fulfilling.
Sometimes I question why I jumped in with both feet to something that binds me to a place I don't want to stay.
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This is a day for coincidences, methinks
"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere
Could you at least apply for the postion? See if your could get it? then talk to your H about how much it would mean for your life?
Two hours isn't impossible-would it possibly pay enough for you to say, keep an apartment there for yourself
I'd love that-and come home on weekends, if moving isn't in the picture right now?
Funny, H and I were just talking about this. Because he said when I finish school, we'd go back to Texas. Then he says, oh, I don't know. It'd be sad to be so far away from OUR kids.
Ummm. My kids are grown. They don't live near hear. His precious SD17 will be out of high school this year.
Once again, he is only looking at things like he and his are the only ones who count.
IF I do get thru the next two years of schooling...I'll live where I want to.
Keep thinking this over...surely there's a way. 2 hours just isn't that far...
Here's my two cents ~
I am assuming that you aren't married, right? Has he indicated that he plans on marriage or have you two talked about making the big committment? If not, I would apply for the job and see what comes of it. If this is an opportunity of a lifetime for you, you owe it to yourself try for it! If you don't get the job, at least you will know that you tried and it wasn't meant to be at this point in time. If you don't, you'll always wonder what could have been.
Two hours doesn't mean the end of your relationship. It's certainly doable if both parties work at it. At the place I'm at in my relationship right now, if the right job came along, local or not, I would try for it. BF and I have been together for almost 4 years now, and I'm ready to take the next step and he keeps dragging his feet. I don't know how long I want to keep putting my life on hold for someone that may or may not want to get married. I love BF, but it's getting to be where it's not enough. At some point, you're going to have to think about you! Good luck, and let us know what happens!
I feel for you
I moved to a different state to be with my fiance (MA to CT) and gave up about 8 yrs paid into the state retirement system. It's not geographically that far, but I don't like it here. I don't like the town we live in, the employment opportunities, the area, ugh. He doesn't like it either, but says he has to stay here for his daughter. Thankfully she turns 15 on Sunday, and he is committed to moving to MA (he's lived there before) with me once she graduates from high school.
It's hard to have to wait that long, and I don't know what I'd do if she were younger, but I know he appreciates what I've done for him, and for us, and therefore, at the end of this when we move back to MA to be closer to my family, I know he'll be there for me...
Anyway, I know how you feel, is compromise at all possible? Could you both move to the half way point? Be an hour away from each?
"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Albert Einstein
Off topic, but...
I do payroll & here in Vermont, if you pay into state retirement & then leave the job, you can get your money back. Usually, if the account stays dormant for so many years (I've had it happen after 3 years), they will give you the option of either moving the savings into another retirement account or taking a check for the amount (which you will have to report on your taxes). I've also been told that you can contact state retirement & request a check, though I don't know anyone personally who has done that.
Just something you may want to look into if you haven't already!
oh same here
you just get whacked for doing it taxwise, and I'd rather go back to MA, get back to working for the state, and have that money stay where it is, plus have 8 yrs already under my belt toward retirement...
Thank you for responding, I appreciate it!
"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Albert Einstein
The thought of renting a
The thought of renting a place definitely has crossed my mind, unfortunately with owning a house now, paying child support and then regular bills on top of that it would definitely be a major strain on the budget.
No we are not married. We've been together 2 years. He has alluded to it eventually happening. However I am not sure how comfortable either one of us are with it. Not in the terms we don't love eachother and want to "spend our lives together", but for him I think he doesn't see the need for it, for me I had wanted to but don't like the stigma of "the second wife" (no offense to anyone).
I have always been independent, however when I get in a relationship I seem to lose that. I do think that decisions as such should be open for discussion. I feel that it would be a) moving alone which I think would end what we have or b) staying and trying to make life work with what currently is.
Definitely hard being the outsider of a family. I hate basing a decision on what "may be". I think we can go the distance but what if we don't. How and when do you decide if it's worth it??????????????????
That's a good question ~
When you figure it out, please let know!! lol I'm in the same boat as you. We've been together for a long time. I am ready to get married; he tries to change the subject (and he used to want to talk about it!!)or he has said that it will "happen eventually". I'm like you in that I'm very independent, but since I've been in my relationship, I have lost a lot of that; a lot of which makes me ME. What I do know is this: I can't wait around forever. I am not getting any younger. I love him and want to get married and start our family. How long do you wait it out? I don't want to wake up one day and realize that I wasted half my life waiting for something that isn't going to happen.
Your possible new job should be open for discussion and I feel that this is a situation where both parties can compromise, like the example where you guys live an hour away from children and your job.
I've always said once you start making me cry
more than you make me laugh you are no longer worth my time. I come from two divorces. They both made me cry, way more than laugh. I wish I hadn't gave up alot that I did to be with them either. It got me no where but to badreputation ville, thanks to the two divorces. No one cares that they are due to cheating, hiting, etc.
Oh well, thank God the 3rd times a charm. DH is great...and I didn't have to give up a thing to be with him. All I got was gain.
It's a hard thing to decide. I feel for you and I hope you make the right decision. I always say trust your gut to. Your gut tells you what you heart refuses to. It always seems to be right to. Whereas your heart will bold faced lie to you! LOL
******Mountain Dew and Beer is what makes me a better step mom.
*******
Liking the suggestions...
I like the "once you start making me cry more than you make me laugh", and also the 1/2 way compromise (one more to add to the discussion list for the drive).
The Skids are good kids, however for me it is hard to have the desire to "get married" or "start a family" until the payments for them stop. I am hoping with time these feelings will change. At present I don't feel as though we will have "our life" until the beeotch of a BM is out of our lives.
As for the job, it will be an interesting night of conversation.
I say don't make someone a
I say don't make someone a priority that only considers you an option. He can't expect you to live somewhere for him if he's not willing to move at all for you. I think the fair thing to do would be split the distance, move within 1 hr of the job & 1 hr of his kid(s). Of course apply for the job, tell him you've done so and ask to discuss what you'll do in the event you get it.
"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy"
What about
sort of in a nice way giving him an ultimatum.Like if we arent going to get married than you will apply for this job.It is your life that you have to worry about especially if he is not wanting to get married.Or what about moving half way in between is that possible?If it is what you have wanted for 3 years it is a dream of yours and he should support that.
wittywoman
I would be burning rubber down the interstate. He never made a commitment to you so you dont owe him anything. Why would you give up your dream job that you have been waiting for 3 years to come open? What kind of sacrifices has he made for you, what does he bring to the table? 4 hours of transportation per day would be an issue so I would have to relocate but I would do it.
I would apply
I would interview
And if I got the job, I would accept. When I left my first H, it was because he was stifling my growth as a person (we met a few weeks before my 20th b-day and I had been beaten down in my young past to a point where I was in no position to understand who I was, what I wanted, or where I would be happiest in life. So how did I think I could pick a life partner?
I have posted a quote on here a while back, that really inspired me to stop waiting for my happiness to start-
Leap and the net will find you
If you get the job, then perhaps you were meant to. If he supports you, finds a way to stay with you, and stands by you? Then that was perhaps what was to be as well.
If he doesn't? I think it says a lot about his expectations for who's wants,needs etc are more important.
I want to eventually seek a MA in Religion at a UU seminary (there's only one.) It's in Chicago. DH took a week off work to check it out with me last April for their prospective student conference. They have a distant learning program I was interested in, since we can't move (mostly for my sons actually as we have FC of SD and I don't think BM would bat an eyelash over less time with her.) So he said, "Let's find a way to get you started." Then, I had another more pressing calling here, to rejuvenate local youth theatre, after my lifelong teacher passed away. So he said, "Do that. Then when the kids are grown and we just have BD, if you still want to go to Chicago we'll move."
My point is whatever I feel is the direction I need to take to fill my life, he offers suggestions, NOT barriers.
Don't sacrifice this dream that's calling you for someone who doesn't value and wish you to be fulfilled.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
Sita ~
The advice you gave to wittywoman speaks to me as well. For many months now, I've been feeling like I am waiting for something that may never happen. I love my BF, but it is starting to not be enough. We've been together for almost 4 years now, and I'm ready for that next step. He keeps throwing up roadblocks instead of talking about it and wanting to plan for it. I think most of it is that he is "comfortable" with the way things are and doesn't want to change the status quo. Maybe I should change the status quo myself and see what happens! I think my biggest fear about changing it is the fear of the unknown. What's crazy about that is, is that I used to embrace the unknown! Now after being with someone for almost 4 years, I've gotten used to being with someone and alone seems scary to me. But anyway, your advice seems spot on, and I just need to take a leap of faith and see what happens.
Sorry, I don't mean to hijack your post wittywoman!
No problems Brooklynne!
Glad to know I'm not the only one, although not that I'm glad we are in the situations we are in. I can relate with not knowing if the change is what is needed or if I just need to occupy more of my time (mind) with something else. Last night did not go so hot. We talked about the job on the ride home, basically his thoughts are:
- that my even looking at a job that would be that distance shows my lack of committment & contentment with the relationship (not true, I am 110% committed or I would't have put up with all the sh*t I have the past 2 years... contentment how am I truly supposed to be content when a) he jumps when BM says jump b) doesn't care to get married c) is "fixed" and the likelihood of coming up with the funds for us to be able to conceive are slim to none ... plus the fact he says he "already has 2 kids and doesn't need anymore") F'sakes what am I doing? Is love enough????
- he wouldn't consider me renting a place even if we could afford it because he "doesn't trust me"
- would consider moving half way if it ended up happening, but doesn't want to have to disrupt our life which it would... and he wants our dreams (understandable, however dreams are all they are now, when what I could have is reality)
- ultimately it would break us up
....I said drop it! Forget it!
Moving on... I lay in bed thinking of how it COULD be vs. how it IS. It sure would take a lot and cause some mayheim if I were to move out, but once that were to pass life sure would be back on track (not living someone elses life as I feel I am now).
I read quotes like...
"In the final analysis, love is the only reflection of man's worth."
"Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it...It really is worth fighting for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk everything, you risk even more."
but man, when do you know love is what's worth fighting for.
confused.
Wittywoman
He's using the ploy of turning it back on you- "that my even looking at a job that would be that distance shows my lack of committment & contentment with the relationship." Well that dog just aint gonna hunt.
What he's telling you is that your dreams and goals are not as important as maintaining the status quo. He "doesn't want to have to disrupt our life"...he doesn't want to disrupt HIS life. Oh yeah, I've been down that path before.
If he was as committed to your relationship as he portrays himself to be, if your happiness was important to him, then there would be room for compromise on his part if you got the job. You should neither drop it nor forget it. Apply for the job, go to the interview if they want to interview you. After all, it doesn't cost much to interview for a job. There's no guarantee they will offer it to you; there's no guarantee it will be exactly what you were looking for. If you don't at least apply for the job, you will regret it and resent him for it.
And that whole thing about him not trusting you? Is he implying that he can only trust you as far as he can see you? If there is no trust on his part, you might as well just hang it up right now, because it will only get worse.
By the way, is your name on the deed or mortgage for the house? If it is then that will make things a little more complicated for you if you decide to leave.
Does this sound like your relationship?
A Soulful Relationship
by Ronald McFadden
If you're not married yet, share this with a friend. If you are married share it with your spouse or other married couples and reflect on it.
An African proverb states, "Before you get married, keep eyes open and after you marry, close one eye."
Once you decide to commit to someone, over time their flaws, vulnerabilities, pet peeves, and differences will become more obvious. If you love your mate and want the relationship to grow and evolve, you've got to learn to close one eye and not let every little thing bother you.
You and your mate have many different expectations, emotional needs, values, dreams, weaknesses, and strengths. You are two unique individual children of God who have decided to share a life together.
Neither of you are perfect, but are you perfect for each other? Do you bring out the best of each other? Do you compliment and compromise with each other, or do you compete, compare, and control? What do you bring to the relationship? Do you bring past relationships, past hurt, past mistrust, past pain? You can't take someone to the altar to alter him or her. You can't make someone love you or make someone stay.
If you develop self-esteem, spiritual discernment, and "a life", you won't find yourself making someone else responsible for your happiness or responsible for your pain.
Manipulation, control, jealousy, neediness, and selfishness are not the ingredients of a thriving, healthy, loving and lasting relationship. Seeking status, sex, wealth, and security are the wrong reasons to be
in a relationship. What keeps a relationship strong? Communication, intimacy, trust, a sense of humor, sharing household tasks, some getaway time without business or children and daily exchanges (a meal, shared activity, a hug, a call, a touch, a note). Leave a nice message on their voicemail or send a nice email. Sharing common goals and interests. Growth is important. Grow together, not away from each other, giving each other space to grow without feeling insecure. Allow your mate to have outside interest. You can't always be together. Give each other a sense of belonging and assurances of commitment.
Don't try to control one another. Learn each other's family situation. Respect his or her parents regardless. Don't put pressure on each other for material goods. Remember for richer or for poorer. If these qualities are missing, the relationship will erode as resentment, withdrawal, abuse, neglect, dishonesty, and pain replace the passion.
"Nurture your mind with great thoughts, for you will never go any higher than you think." The grass withers, the flowers fade, but the word of God stands forever. Isaiah 40:8
Shall we make a new rule of life from tonight? Always to try to be a little kinder than is necessary.
The only difference between 'United' and 'Untied' is where you put the I.
"A word of encouragement can make the difference between giving up or going on."
So he doesn't trust you, doesn't want to disrupt his life, doesn't want to support you. Sounds like you're in a relationship ONLY if it fits HIS needs. Thats the definition of selfish. Just at least apply for the job & see what happens.
"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy"
This is the most important thing for each of us to learn in life
"...you won't find yourself making someone else responsible for your happiness or responsible for your pain."
Many women in our parents generation, stayed unhappily married out of their own insecurities, and allowed our father's to be responsible for their happiness or discontent. When I left my own marriage my mom found my decision so unsettling, because she made the sacrifice "for the kids" and I didn't seem to even value it enough to make the same one.
She was right.
As far as you WW, you don't have kids yet. And if you want them, you need to find a partner who does, whether it's in time for bio kids or you adopt a child together who is mutually YOURS regardless.
So, as I finally realized, and had to reiterate to my mom over and over, the only one who truly has the power to hold us back from our happiness, is us ourselves. Because if another person is holding that power, it's only because we handed it over to them.
GOODLUCK with this job. You deserve to be happy, but only you can give that gift to yourself.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
Honestly, if my man put it to me like that ~
I would cut my losses and do what's best for ME. I know that I want to get married and have a kid or two. If he told me that he already had his children and didn't need more, then I would consider that the answer is no and I would split.
BF hasn't put it to me like that. He keeps saying that it will happen "eventually". Actually, I should just read between the lines and accept that it will probably never happen and just get on with it. I'm 30 years old, single, no kids, have a great career, fun, and not too bad to look at, if I do say so myself! Who wouldn't want to go out with me?!? lol
I would apply for the job and see what happens. You may end up getting the life of your dreams out of it! And, I need to do some soul searching as well and see if I am willing to accept the way things are or just go for broke and upset the status quo!