What does disengagement mean to you…?
Disengagement.
I hear a lot of people say they are disengaged and then in the next breath talk about how they completely engaged in an issue with the skids. I am confused. What does disengagement mean to you…?
I actually had to make my DH, then SO, disengage from my son. He used to pull some of the strangest stuff out of his butt to gripe about. We did get it resolved. I never wanted to parent anyone else s kid, and did not want someone doing it to mine. My SS has serious issues. But I stay out of it. DH has blinders on, so who am I to try to rip them off? UNLESS IT AFFECTS MY STUFF OR HOME!!!
If SS stays out until 3 in the morning and his curfew is 12, I don’t say a word. If SS wrecks his truck over and over, I don’t say a word. If SS gets in trouble at school, I don’t say a word. NMKNMP
On the other hand….If SS leaves dishes in the sink, I will normally tell DH and then DH either loads them or has SS do it. If SS brings someone to my home when we are not there, I advise DH that that I am not comfortable with that happening in my home and DH takes care of it. See what I mean. If it affects me or my house, then it is my problem and I or DH take care of it.
Yes, SS still gets to me, but I come here to vent about that, so that I don't at homw. lol
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My disengagement is pretty
My disengagement is pretty much the same as yours. I think my ss has problems as well-but I let his parents handle those. If he is suspended at school-it's not my problem. I don't worry about that stuff anymore. If he is disrespecting me or mine then I dont have a problem either telling ss to knock it off or telling dh about it.
It is pretty great!! Cuts
It is pretty great!! Cuts stress down by 90%
I view disengaged as letting
I view disengaged as letting my honey take care of his own kids. His parenting mistakes are no more damaging than my own mother's misteps...and I think I turned out ok lol
Until the age of 18, I was
Until the age of 18, I was indifferent until it affects my & mine children's boundaries.
Now that they are adults and if they choose to live here it is with the understanding that I am the landlord and they will live according to the landlord's rules. Disengaging was easier... but I will be damned if I am going to be the host to their parasitic behaviors.
DH says he is supporting my *new* role. But I see him suffering in silence (like I have) when I call upon SD to be responsible for herself and provide sweat equity for her free ride. And because SD is a compulsive liar, it does seem like she is being called on the carpet a lot.
Oh my gawd… I have the worst
Oh my gawd… I have the worst time with this!!! It’s actually gotten to the point that I’m hearing all of your imaginary voices in my head… (crayon, stepreg all of you!) saying, “let it go dumbbell… disengage for your own sanity.” But I think I’m physically incapable of doing so!!! I try… honest I do… but in the end something snaps and I’m dead center involved. Especially with SS6… he’s such a challenge and I don’t see his birth parents doing much to curb his attitude problems so I try to pepper in my influence wherever possible.
This is a good link to a
This is a good link to a "sample" letter a wife wrote to her husband about disengaging. It may not be helful, but it really helped put it in perspective to me. http://csmchat.weebly.com/disengaging.html
Only another SM could get me googling articles about disengaging!
BTW-I love reading your
BTW-I love reading your signature line every time you respond to someone. I am a BRAND NEW step mom so seeing 15 years and counting really helps me. I don't know why, it is just nice knowing people are out there who make it and do well. Thank you thank you thank you!!!
BF was pretty spot on with
BF was pretty spot on with her suggestion. I am very disengaged from SS. But he does not realize that really. He thinks it is natural to go thru DH for ANYTHING. He will still ask me some things. Example…he asks if he can watch TV in the living room. If I am the only one in the house, I will decide if he can do that or not. BUT, if he asks…can he go to a friend’s house, I gently send him to DH. But like I said, he normally goes to DH first for things like that.
I do NOT ignore him…well…let me rephrase that…I don’t usually ignore him. lol. He sometimes acts like he is 5 years old and I leave the room. If DH wants to be around that then so be it. No sweat off my back. I am very polite to SS. More like a friendly aunt. It takes a while to let it go and let them parent, or not, the way they want. Trust me, it is soooo much better this way.
But let me be clear also…My DH would tear SS a new, you know what, if he ever talked to me or adult the way some of your skids talk to them.
***edit to add. blender sounds like her s/kids are smallish. I did not get married or live together until SS was almost 17. My way of disengaging may not work for smaller kids. I would say 13 and up.
Disengaging I am not
Disengaging
I am not responsible for SD's and DH's relationship
I am not responsible for DH's parenting of SD
I am not responsible for SD's life: relationships, jobs, etc
I cannot make SD love/hate/like me
I am responsible for how I treat others
I am responsible for how others treat me
I have the right to set personal boundaries
I have the right to restrict toxic people from my life
I must respect DH's love for SD
I must respect DH's and SD's relationship
I must never restrict or inhibit DH's interaction with SD
That's what it means for me.
That time her dad got mad at
That time her dad got mad at me for not asking her to go with me and my girlfriend. WTF ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Ok, that it weird. I think your DH thinks that you have been picking on his princess and so he is going to pick on what you do.
I have to tell ya. If someone had sent me the text that you sent your DH, the fight would have been on. I would have seen that as “picking” on my kid.
Maybe once you stop “getting onto” or pointing out what you think is wrong with SD, some of this will even out. And no I am not “picking” on you, just trying to help. lol
A long time ago my DH may have done the same thing you did. Pointing out what “HE” thought I was doing wrong as a parent. It makes me laugh now because my kids are straight A students, both work and go to school. My son will graduate high school as a 2nd year colleges student due to all the dual credit courses he is taking. He also plays sports and has never been in any trouble.
SS has been in so much trouble it is not funny.
What about finding outside
What about finding outside help for yourself and break the cycle of enabling and being a co-dependent.
FH is an alcoholic. Drinks
FH is an alcoholic. Drinks every single day and drinks himself into a stupor at least 5 days a week
+++++++++++++++++++++++++
Oh hunny, you have way more problems than your SD! Sorry, BTDT and got the ex husband to prove it. good luck.