Feeling nothing but resentment and regret
I have been married for 21 months to my husband. We worked together years ago, stayed friends over the years and when we were finally both single at the same time we started dating and got married very quickly. I had some reservations about the timing but dismissed them since I had officially known him since 1998.
One week after we married, my DH was laid off from his job that he'd had for 7 years. I knew the economy was bad, but wasn't terribly worried. I had been making it on my own for a while with just my income and my boys so I figured between his severance and unemployment that we'd still be OK, we would just have to delay all the 'Big' plans we had made like buying a bigger car, a bigger house, vacations, a diamond ring, etc. That was 20 months ago. DH is STILL out of work, severance and 401K are long gone and unemployment runs out next month. I posted about a week ago that DH had received an offer....they decided not to move forward with the project, so their offer was rescinded.
I'm feeling HUGE amounts of resentment towards my husband. This is not the life he promised me. I know marriage is for better and for worse but I honestly feel like I'm being taken advantage of. Here is a list of the BIG things that bother me.
1) I don't think DH has made enough effort to find a job.
2) I'm upset that DH didn't file for a CS modification within the first year he was unemployed. He drug his feet FOREVER on this and now finally has court in 3 weeks by that time he won't be getting unemployment anyway. Him doing this could have saved us $400/month over the past 20 months!!! $8,000 total!!!!!
3) He still spends money on STUPID stuff. Like $50+ at a time on stupid books. His unemployment goes to a pre-paid debit card that I have no access to but I have figured out his Ebay and Email account passwords so I can see what he has bought on Ebay and Amazon. Since he's home all day and I'm working he gets the packages and throws out the packaging before I get home.
4) I've asked him to have the unemployment directly deposited into our joint account and he has yet to do so.
5) He has done nothing to change carreers. I work in education, he has a degree and is more than capable of teaching/subbing/etc. but has done nothing about obtaining his certification while he's been off and had plenty of time to do so.
6) He plays stupid online games during the day with some of his friends and then lies to me about it. Remember, I've hacked the e-mail account, so I can see who he is talking to about playing and when. I believe he should be looking for work or cleaning/taking care of the house while I'm busting my ass at work. He can relax when I get home.
At this point, his unemployment is contributing SOME to our household but when it runs out, it will actually COST me money to stay with this man. While I hate to think of the consequences of another failed marriage, I'm not sure I can stay in this relationship if he's contributing $0 while he's perfectly able-bodied enough to work.
Please help me see a bright side here if there is one because I'm unable to find it!
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He needs to get a job. NOW.
He needs to get a job. NOW. There is no way that this is going to work if he doesn't put in any effort. First of all, who is paying his CS? Hopefully not you! You should not pay ONE PENNY of his CS! And you should definitely tell him how you feel. This may be hard and I understand you don't want a failed marriage, but nothing is worth you sacrificing your happiness or your sanity. Things are only going to get worse and the resentment is going to build and you will end up with a failed marriage anyway. You need to confront him. Tell him you understand times are tough but he needs to put his pride aside and take WHATEVER job he finds! Stay away from things like "You don't do anything to find a job," and try "I feel like there are more things you could be doing to find a job." Try to work with him and set up a schedule. For example, he should call X number of places daily and send out X number of resumes weekly. Most importantly, when you guys talk about this make sure you can both stay calm, nothing will be resolved if you two end up yelling at each other and playing the blame game.
No, I don't pay his CS
No, I don't pay his CS directly. But because he didn't request the modification until now, 50% of his unemployment goes to BM. So, instead of $1600/month he actually only sees $400/month.
I've made a million suggestions on how he could improve his chances while looking for a job....he has followed none of them. I'm met with the attitude that it's not up to me how he chooses to look for a job and that I don't know what I'm talking about (I work in HR by they way and have for about 8 years)and that I just need to relax and trust that he's doing the best he can. Yeah, cuz what he's doing is obviously working sooooo well.
I have a slightly different
I have a slightly different view. Being unemployed is awful. I am unemployed at the moment and like you, I thought the severance would see us through until I found another job. Except there are very few jobs around and when there is one, competition is fierce - even for basic jobs (in fact they can be even harder to get). It is soooo disheartening and it can lead to a terrible spiral of depression and feelings of hopelessness and lack of self worth. I am well qualified, professional, well groomed and have heaps of experience but times are very hard.
What I find is that I get times of "giving up" and then times of "gusto" when I try again - doing all I can.
My DH has been feeling the same as you I think and resents me living off him. Also, he thinks I am having it easy while he busts his ass at work. If he started planning my day I would take that very badly and feel like even more of a failure - which in turn would lead to less chance of me getting a job.
I am sorry for your situation but I urge you to keep faith in your husband. He needs your faith so he can keep the self esteem he needs to keep trying to find a job. Trying to find a job is the most humiliating experience. Every time you miss out, you feel like you are a failure. What he needs from you is your compassion and he needs you to make him feel like you will never give up on him and you have all the confidence in the world in him as a man.
Just say "Go get em Tiger" or something like that next time he has an interview. Make sure he knows that no matter what happens, he is your hero and you love him. My DH said this once to me and it made all the difference.
What books is he buying? Again - he may be trying to do things to keep up his spirits. Take him to a comedy show and have a laugh together. It could be so much worse than computer games. To me, it sounds like you have a pretty good man there. Some would be spending their days in bars and looking at porn or worse.
I agree with you on CS. Sounds like he is doing that now. Keep in mind, he is thinking he didn't think it would ever get to this. He may be depressed and if he is, doing anything (especially taking admininstrative action like going to court) feels like climbing Everest.
Bless you both.
I'm sorry that you are also
I'm sorry that you are also unemployed. I do realize that times and competition are tough. I have been very supportive in all of this. Every interview I ask if there's anything I can do to help him prepare, I take his suit to the cleaners, I've left "good luck" notes for him to find. Every rejection I've been there for him, given him his space, reassured him that I still love him and that we will get through this.
It's not him not "getting" the jobs that bothers me as much as him not "looking" for jobs. That, in my opinion, should be his full-time job right now. He won't even apply for jobs making less money than what he was making. He wants to wait for the unemployment to run out before he even applies for a less-paying position and in my mind, he should apply for them NOW and if he gets one before unemployment runs out then that's a GOOD thing.
The CS modification should have been requested LONG ago. I did all the work for him, all he had to do was fill out the form and sign it. It took me 4 months and several arguements and my threatening to leave him before he finally completed the stupid TWO PAGE FORM!
As far as buying the books and crap while we are struggling financially. I get that he's bored and looking for a pick-me-up now and then but when I'm having to wait to buy my kid's jeans and tennis shoes because we are in between pay-days then he doesn't get that luxury. I've cut out all of the extras that make ME happy and I'm WORKING!!
I do love him and I'm trying to maintain my faith in him but he's not giving me much to hang on to at this point.
I am so sorry you are going
I am so sorry you are going through this.
My H went almost all of 2009 laid off from the job that we moved to a different town for. Luckily I got a good one too.
He also stupidly didn't ask for a CS modification because he was "convinced" he would quickly get a job.
He finally took a PT job just to keep us afloat. He worked as a janitor at a BAR. He cleaned other people's puke EVERY DAY. New Year's Day was a nightmare for him. He worked 12 hours and still had things he had to leave uncleaned.
When SS asked him why he had that job. He asked SS if he would ever do his job. SS said no way. H said, how about if you have two kids that you have to provide for and one of them is pregnant so you need to provide health insurance for them?
A real man does what he has to do.
"A real man does what he has
"A real man does what he has to do."
This is how all the people in my family feel. None of them know that my DH is out of work. They would be furious if they did. I watched my parents work their buts off at 'less paying jobs' while they were laid-off at different times over the years. My family already didn't approve of my marriage to DH there's no way in heck I was going to tell them that he isn't working!
It makes it hard to respect my DH when I feel that he doesn't respect our family enough to do whatever he has to do to contribute financially to our home.
I've got problems of my own
I've got problems of my own with my H but I can never say that he hasn't done his best to provide for his entire family.
It's got to be difficult for you to not have any support from your family.
I hope things get better for you soon.
I do feel a little better
I do feel a little better after venting.
This week has been especially hard because DH should have started his new job yesterday and instead he was home with the flu all weekend and still felt crappy yesterday. This makes for a grouchy husband. In addition, my DS8 was up all night Sunday with a stomach bug so Monday I was at work after about 2 solid hours of sleep while DH stayed home with my kiddo and slept all day. This makes for a grouchy wife. I also had some legal issues that were in limbo that could have very easily negatively affected my holiday time with my oldest son. Fortunately this was wrapped up by Monday before I left work.
As we all know: Grouchy Husband + Grouchy Wife = War!
We weren't terribly worried about the first offer being rescinded b/c even though he had received the offer he went ahead on another interview that he had already scheduled. They called him back for 2 more interviews so we were thinking it was a very strong chance this offer would also come in and we wouldn't have to worry. Well, he got notice Thursday evening that they've decided too not to proceed with the project at this time until the company has set more ground work. That's part of the problem with working as a project manager.....people want one until they look at numbers and then they think they can live without the project afterall.
So, it's been such a roller-coaster of emotions from financial fears to planning our way out of the hole we've been forced into and then back to financial worries with the added stress of losing unemployment benefits only a couple of weeks before Christmas. I do feel a little better after realizing he did submit about 8 more applications today. Venting here certainly helps too as I know he's tired of hearing about how worried I am. He worries too I'm sure but like most men....he doesn't want to talk about it.