My first blog - I'm new here
New to these boards and looking for step-mom friends to share stories with and get advice; I guess just belong somewhere....
I am 29 years old, and recently married (almost 6 months ago). Both DH and I have two kids each, although only SD(2) lives with us. My DD(forever 3) died in November 2009, and my DS(12) has been trying out this past school year with his father; SD(12) lives with her mother. Currently DH has joint-custody of sd(2.5) and she has lived with him since she was 4 months old; BM abandoned SD(2) once DH was given joint-custody.
This is the beginning of my story (its a long one, so I'll write it in a few blog posts):
I have been involved with DH since May 2009 when SD(2) was 15 months old; dd(forever 3) and I officially moved in with DH in July 2009 although we spent most of our time at his house prior to moving in.
At that time, MIL and FIL were living with DH and SD(2) to take care of SD(2) while DH was at work.
DH and I knew that we wanted a future together and to blend our families. FIL moved out of the house and back in to their other home because he wanted DH and I to make our "own life". MIL stayed around because she could not let go of DH and SD. She always made a point to tell us that one day, when DH and I were ready, she would go back to her other home but that she would be at our home taking care of SD at least 3 or 4 times each week. She had to be completely involved in our lives; she tried to "groom" me to be the perfect wife for DH even though we had not talked about marriage at that point, she had me making his coffee a certain way, telling me about his favorite meals and even starting a written cook book for me. She made comments about our sexual life, she made comments about how she "knew" that DH wanted a wife, and that he promised her another grandchild one day.
While MIL was raising SD(2), there was no parenting involved - only spoiling her. MIL fed SD(2) constant treats and food continuously all day, began feeding her ice cream at 4 months, and has this ridiculous idea that SD(2) craves chocolate and can smell it, therefore SD needs to have it. Daily her snacks consisted of things like chocolate drizzle crispie minis, marshmallows, chocolate chips, gerber graduate juicy treats and flavoured yogurt cups; SD(2) got to drink as much juice as she wanted. SD(2) slept in DH's bed until I came along, and I told him that she had to sleep in her own room. Because MIL still lived with us, if SD woke up in her crib during the night MIL would take her to the living room and let her sleep in the playpen beside her; she would give her an 8-oz bottle of milk every time that SD(2) woke up and her diapers would be pretty much exploding with pee in the morning. SD(2) was never told "no" and was always allowed to do as she pleased.
MIL's philosophy is that she does not believe in discipline and that SD(2) "has only been on this earth for ** years and is still learning".
DH's philosophy was basically the same as his mother's. He felt that SD(2) only needs constant love, constant attention, and to be a happy child (even if it means being a brat).
DH is extremely influenced by his mother. For example, SD(2)used to smack DD(forever 3) for no reason. DD(forever 3) had developmental delays due to a chromosome disorder and was the gentlest child ever; she was always cheery and playful. I would tell DH that SD(2) needed to stop hitting DD(forever 3) and be disciplined (taught to not hit); his response was, "one day when DD(forever 3) is 8 and SD(2) is 6, DD(forever 3) will be bigger and she might hurt SD(2). This comment apparently was brewed from a conversation between MIL and DH prior to them meeting my DD(forever 3) because DH told his mother about DD(forever 3)'s special needs.
There is more this story of DH being extremely influenced by MIL, but I'll save that for another post.
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Comments
Sounds like you need to set
Sounds like you need to set some ground rules
If you feel like you can't talk to your DH about how to handle his Mother then you should really go see a counselor as a couple, not because you have problems but more as needing a mediator to help your hubby see whats going on and how it is not a normal thing.
If counseling is not an option can you make a list of the things that are bothering you and possibly a list of house rules and appropriate treat? The next thing I would do is send Mil packing. Perhaps FIL can help get MIL back to her proper house?
The next thing I would do is sit yourself down and think long and hard if this is the life you want...I am not trying to be mean but from most of the stories I read situations like yours only go down hill. You guys are still newlyweds so if you can get this stuff hammered out asap instead of it becoming a habit you guys will be awesome.
A lot of newly married smoms bite their tongue because they don't want to upset thier Dhs, or Mil. Trust me if you stand your ground and make yourself very clear from the beginning then your life will be a lot easier. Yeah it will suck to have your mil be pissed at you but that will be better then you being pissed at her right?
It's your house now, Its time to make it your home
You need to get info about
You need to get info about people with special needs to your husband. Hit him on the issue of basic fairness. Most men respond to appeals for fairness and that could counter the MIL's propaganda.
There is a lot of info on the web about the positive qualities of people who have special needs. Many of them are the kindest, most loyal and courageous people I have ever known.
Also, don't cast your daughter's age in stone as "forever 3". I am sure that could be true medically, but all of us have multiple dimensions to our personality and brain. We may be really slow in some areas, but much better in other ones.
I don't know why people are afraid of special needs folks. I'd rather live in a neighborhood full of them than the neighborhood I am living in now
Hi Old Timer I am sorry that
Hi Old Timer
I am sorry that you misread a bit of my post. I put my daughter as "forever 3" because she died 7 months ago and for the rest of my life, she will always be 3 years, 4 months old; I wrote that in the first paragraph when I introduced my children. I honestly have no idea where my girly girl would have been had she grown up and it isn't anything that I worried about. Most important to me was that she was thriving, progressing, and doing amazing. That little girl is/was the apple of my eye
SmomKAy
Thankfully MIL is out the door now. I was going to get more in to that when I post more information tomorrow about our situation, it is quite complex with lots going on in our world. Unfortunately DH is not open to the idea of counselling because he says it will cost us too much money (He works full-time on salary, and I stay home).
I know we do have to somehow find a way to discuss everything, but my DH is not very co-operative at the best of times. Anytime I try to bring up any subject, he becomes defensive and turns it in to me wanting to start a fight; he sees nothing wrong with what is going on.
I will explain more tomorrow. It is 2am and I should have put myself to bed hours ago!
I'm so sorry that your
I'm so sorry that your daughter passed. That's truly a sad event. I can't imagine it. Dh and I were pregnant with our second child which died at 4 1/2 months in utero due to a chromosome abnormality and heart defect. On that level I can kind of understand, but not really because our child never took a breath. So sorry to hear that, and I'm sorry for your pain.
As for your MIL issue, it sounds as if your DH needs to have a talk with her and set some boundaries. You can also let her know by using some gentle means that her advice and interference is not necessary. When she begins to discuss your sex life, marriage plans, etc, a simple "Thank you MIL for your concern, however, I prefer to keep our private business private" should do the trick.
When she meddles into the raising of your SD, it's your DH who needs to tell her what he expects and what he doesn't. If he won't put his foot down, there's really not much you can do. That's the time when you have to decide if you can live like this for the next xxx years. I would suggest a long, no-bones talk with your DH about what you would like to change, and see if he's receptive.
Thank you for your
Thank you for your comments.
As I am learning more from the posts on this board and seeing that there are others who deal with some of the same issues like me, I may get some confidence to try it again without it seeming like I am causing a fight.
I am going to do another blog post today to further our story.
As for DD(forever 3), she was on life-support for 3 weeks after getting the H1N1 virus. I am relieved that she is no longer suffering what she went through, but I miss her so much and wish she was here. Her birthday is on Sunday, and she would have been 4 years old.
I just wanted to say I am
I just wanted to say I am sorry for your loss. Birthdays are always so hard for me. I lost a son and a husband and I still grieve on the holidays. Especially the birthdays. Sorry about the MIL. Sounds like she is a pain. But, now she is out of the house it should be easier for you. Now you just have to get your husband on the same page with discipline. That is usually the hard part.