PAS by BM - Advice please.
I have posted a little bit about this subject before but now I would like some advice.
In CA it is against the law for new drivers to transport passengers under the age of 25 for the first year. There are exceptions but as exceptions usually go the average family would not qualify. BM has a way of interpreting eveything anything to suit her needs. When SS, now 18, was 16 she wrote him a cute little note to any police officer that may stop him that it was OK by mommy if he were to drive his little sisters to school. The law states that if the new driver qualifies for such a need that they would have to have a note. Not from mommy however. My research found that it would need to be from a school official. The principal told me personally that he only aprroves on average...2 per year. 2 years ago I also spoke with the DMV and highway patrol. They all said mommy was wrong.
Now SD16 just got her licence and 2-1/2 weeks in BM did not fail. SD16 drove SD11 to our house on their day here. Emails have been exchanged and today BM sent an email saying that she did not agree and would allow her to drive her little sister. She also said that she refused to live in fear and that God was in charge of what happens to her children. Without going into more boring details for you, here's the breakdown. DH does not want to give the kids the idea that it's OK to interpret the law to suit your needs therefore giving them a bigger since of entitlement than they already have. #2 - DH has asked BM every semester of school what her schedule was so he could rearrange his schedule to be able to help with HIS kids. She refused. She is now working and claims she can arrange her schedule to work when the kids are with us. Which doesn't work. She leaves the house by 6:30AM and comes home after 7:30PM. Still no request for help from DH. She takes every opportunity to make sure if she needs help Dh is not the one to provide it. We also have the kids every other weekend (Th-M) and she makes sure she works in the classroom every other Friday that the littlest one is with us. Basically making no separation of her from them. This is just another opportunity for her to use everyone for her benefit and mainly exclude DH from being a parent.
I have been keeping a log of "stuff" for a few months now. I requested that DH do this for several years but he didn't think it was important. When dealing with what we assume to be PAS, is it important to document inconsistancies and other things that seem off? Does it help at all or am I just spinning my wheels?
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Comments
Swing into Action
Hi
My DH and I are victims of PAS sooooooo bad I won't bother to go into details; however, I will tell you what I think you should do based on our past mistakes and victories:
1. Get the book "Divorce Poison" and read it, both of you, and then read it again.
2. Get in touch with a behavioural specialist NOW. This will help you learn how to deal with the kids on these issues, provide support and ease your mind about upcoming behaviour problems you will be experiencing with the kids, if not already
3. The kids are going to resist any changes you try to implement, you need to stand together and stand strong
4. Go for custody, put everything down on paper and scare the crap out of her, let her know you mean business and its not acceptable anymore for her to shirk the law and parental responsibility
I wish you the best of luck. Be nice to each other and enjoy the quiet times while you can.
RE:
"God is in charge of what happens to my children" really means "I feel like I am above the law because it is inconvenient for me." I hate it when people pull the God card to get around the law. God will be watching when her kid gets pulled over for speeding and they see the 11 y.o. in the passenger seat and revoke her license...
Unfortunately I don't have any experience on PAS prosecution but I'm sure the more documentation, the better.
*~So sayeth Nymh~*
Documenting is good, but
PAS is hardly taken seriously yet in courts from what I read. Although it absolutely should be a felony as far as I am concerned!! But I hear it is very hard to prove.
But I still think it is good to document all the things that happen, just in case you get a more progressive judge in court someday. They can't all be pro-BM, can they??!
"A lie told often enough becomes the truth." - Vladimir Lenin
Documentation
we are currently taking BM back to court to have 50/50 time and we document daily wether we have contact with them or not daily what happens. In our petition papers it reads that Father believes Mother is interferring with relationship with his son by cursing the father in front of the child and further downgrading the father to the child and withholding numnerous visitations. Now she has with held about four 1 night visitations in the last year. Our biggest thing is the interferring in relationship with father and son. So my documentation notes that when H calls his son how BM is rude gives the phone to son and he is rude and hateful and then when it is our time with him the ss is all I missed you dad I love you dad I am so glad I'm here and I love you (my name) I missed you (my name). Then we have documneted how we have the school send us report cards, meeting notices etc as there have been several occasions where H was called at last minute to see if her was going to make it to a meeting that he knew nothing about and BM claims she told him but then laughs at him when she sees him cause she knows she said nothing to him about it. Also H is the last one our BM asks for help as well when it comes to SS. She would rather leave my ss her 3 sd's and her other son with a 43 year old ex-con friend of her BF when her and her BF have to work on Saturdays when we have offered numerous times that we will watch all the kids on any Saturdays they have to work even the ones that are not ours. So I am not sure that our lawyer is taking the PAS approach but definetly taking the approach of mother not nuturing a relationship with his father and our lawyer said that the documnetation was our best friend. Be sure to write the good and the bad about what goes on. That makes it show you do see the good.
Documentation
Thank you StepG. I will continue to document and will try to find some good to put in there to. SD16 called last week while she was off at a camp with BM on a night they were supposed to be at our house. I thought it was sweet until DH got off the phone with her and said she was just calling to see if we had made a decision about our vaction (Taking her boyfriend with us. NO WAY!) and didn't even remember what day it was until I mentioned it. I thought it was sweet but it was selfserving. I'll keep searching and hoping for the good.
"mother not nuturing a relationship with his father" I'm sure is the right way to pose it. I wish you, your H and that little guy much luck!