The Birthday Weekend
OSD left with all her belongings to go live with BM. I knew she had been planning this as her acting out behavior had continued to get increasingly worse as well as her constant rebellion over everything.
Upon her exit SO would reach out to her constantly trying to get her to come back. OSD would tell SO she loved him but couldn't live with me anymore.
Up until the obvious, intentional rebellion at which point I just disengaged from OSD. Our relationship consisted of me taking her skiing, horseback riding, buying her clothes, paying for birthday parties, having her friends over planning and paying for activities for them, taking her on weekend trips and so on. Also scheduling Dr appointments, eye exams and making sure her needs were met because before me these things didn't happen. She would always come to me when she needed something because she knew I would do it.
OSD blamed my barbaric, draconian rules as the reason for her departure. Apparently not eating in your bedroom, asking a 13 year old not to wear see through shirts with no bra ( you could see her nipples right through her shirt or her boobs would be hanging out from the bottom of the shirt because she cut it that short it would hang across the middle of her chest) or shorts were your entire rear end was hanging out (she would take her younger sisters shorts and pull them up her butt crack like a g-string) and not taking 45 minute showers was excessive and abusive on my part.
SO sulked, pouted and became seriously depressed. He was withdrawn, moody and would nit pick at everyone in the house. He believed she was just having a moment and would come around and realize what a great relationship they have once they spent some time together.
It was OSDs birthday weekend and SO wanted to see her. I knew she didn't want to see him because she didn't want to be held accountable for her decision by having to actually face him or possibly be questioned by him. So her excuse was she wouldn't see him because she can't be around me, she is too hurt by everything I did to her. "Eye roll"
So I decided to be a good GF at the time and packed up DS and YSD and left for the weekend. I truly believed that when OSD for new excuses to not see him he would have a moment if clarity. I could not have been more wrong.
It's day 2 of us staying in a cabin and I have other friends also staying at the same place. It's 9 pm at night at I get a phone call from SO. I have been gone for almost two days and OSD is still making excuses and avoiding SO. He asks me to to call OSD and talk to her and wish her a happy birthday. I ask him why in the world he would want me to do that as according to OSD she hates my guts and I am the cause of all her problems? What exactly does he think that will accomplish? SO unleashed a fury of anger on me at that point and for the first time of many more to come I get the " you don't like my daughter"!!
I hang up and completely lose it. I send the kids to one friends cabin and go to my other friends cabin. I was in tears. BM brainwashed OSD by giving into her every whim, buying her anything she wanted and telling her I was an @$$hole. I knew this was not my fault but still agreed to play the stupid game and left for the weekend. I have done nothing but make sacrifices for SO and he is going to make me the bad guy!!!
I was completely crushed it was like every good thing I had ever done was erased at that moment.
After much begging, pleading, bribing and finally grandma calling OSD and asking to see her she agreed to go to grandma's house. SO was so excited to get the half fast scrap of time with OSD. He met up with her and lavished her with dinner and bountiful gifts. She agreed to come home with him that night to continue her being doted on.
I didn't come home and DS and I spent the night at my parents as I was disgusted with the both of them and needed time away to figure out my life.
Next step couples counseling.
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Comments
Wow, what a selfish move on
Wow, what a selfish move on his part. Here you are taking HIS OTHER KID (why, by the way? Would YSD's presence make OSD not want to come over, too?) so he can possibly lure his rotten kid over, and he STILL blames it on you?
OMG, you have been too good to him, you really have. As a fellow social worker, I can say that many of us want to rescue others - might that have been at play for you with him?
We will see, I am going back
Yes YSD would have been another excuse for her not to come.
As far as myself, I am going back to counseling individually. Unfortunately I do have a tendency to want to "save" people. But sometimes I think a lot of my decisions are subconscious and the result of my own behavior patterns.
I think that's common for
I think that's common for those of us who go into this field - and it often is subconscious. I know I saw that in myself a lot when I was younger and it comes up in supervising new social workers. Glad you are getting back into therapy.
I am so Sorry for you
But it's time to see the light. It's time to start making a exit plan. He is putting his DD over his relationship with you. No one can live that way.
That is so brutal, feel so
That is so brutal, feel so bad for you!
Why does OSD not want her own sister to be part of her birthday celebrations?
Boy I can so relate to your story.
This was my OSD too, but at age 18
She had been living with us full-time for over 2 years by then ( because she couldn't stand her BM's SO and gave BM an ultimatum either SD or BM's SO - so BM threw OSD out/moved OSD in with us)
It was exactly as you have described with your SD. After a year of living with us and all was good, year two we saw the increasing moodiness, lashing out, disrespectful behavior, temper tantrums
And then just out of the blue without one word to DH or I, moved herself back in to BM's
We made the same mistake initially that your DH is making now. We tried, really hard, to understand what her issues were. We tried telling her how much we (DH) loved her and wanted us all to get along.
And just like your SD, my OSD would only see DH alone.
He would go and take her out for a birthday lunch for example but it really didn't last very long. She spent the entire time complaining about her awful life, how much she despised me, yada yada
The harder we tried to mend things the more power she seemed to think she had. The more she saw how important it was to us/DH that she like and accept me, the more she lashed out making it clear she Never would
And in her case, when DH asked OSD why she had such issues with me, her repsonse was that she 'didn't need a reason why' that she was his DAUGHTER and I was JUST his (then) girlfriend, and all she should have to say to him is that she wanted me gone, and by the time the words were out of her mouth he should have dumped me already.
She honestly believed she should have that much front and centre stage power in DH's life, and should be able to control if and who he saw, and that anyone she felt jealous and insecure about should be promptly gotten rid of, because her inflated sense of self-importance had her convinced she should be the only one that mattered to DH in this situation and he had no right to have a woman in his life let alone love her
When DH refused to entertain OSD's craziness, and let her know he would not be participating in choosing one over the other she carried out her threat of walking out of his life if he didn't choose her over me
It was hard, but DH chose instead what he thought to be the right decision.
For my part, she was so hositle towards me she literally forced me into total disengagement from her. And it was The Best thing ever!
I eventually felt such great stress relief, that on the few occasions we were in the same space as her I flitted around happily chatting with those that I felt comfortable with and completely avoided any interactions with OSD. If I had to speak with her, I was always upbeat, positive, respectful and mature.
She reacted embarrassing imaturely, with total hostility, looking for revenge and basically making a gigantic ass of herself
DH finally disengaged too
We have been on a roller-coaster ride with her since and she has once again walked out of DH's life (but I'm sure she'll be back again at some point)
The key to all this is your DH has to decide if he will do the right thing or not. He needs to support you. If you have done nothing wrong and his daughter is acting like a jealous, resentful, entitled spoiled brat then he needs to deal with that. Kissing her ass and letting her know she can manipulate him will not solve it
Wait until she does what my OSD did and give him an ultimatum. What will he do? Will he choose her or deal with her anger when he sticks by his wife?
Thank you for sharing. OSD is
Thank you for sharing. OSD is deeply disturbed I saw it then. It's not me and SO deep down knows it, but can't accept it. He is wrong and doesn't see it taking his feelings of helplessness out on me.
OSD lasted in my home the longest. It took about 6 months before she started becoming verbally abusive and physical with BM then BMs boyfriend who finally kicked her out
OSD lasted one week with her half sister who then couldn't take her abusive behavior and kicked her out
She lasted two months at BMs relatives house before she assaulted the relative and was kicked out.
Now she is with Grandma. It's been two weeks and she is already getting tired of her constant defiance.
She is not allowed back in my house and because it's the right thing to do I have told SO he has to go and live with his mother to raise his daughter she is only 15. Also there is another part of me that wants him to have to deal with her on his own and hopefully come to the realization of who his daughter really is.
OSD is an eternal victim who causes her own problems and blames everyone else. Everyone is bad in her eyes and she lives in a false reality she creates for herself where she is mistreated by everyone.