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wichitanewstepmom's picture

Submitted by wichitanewstepmom on Tue, 01/14/2014 - 4:29pm

I am recently trying to start merging families. My fiance and his daughter are EXTREMLY close. Her opinon of me matters so much to him that it effects our relationship. I need advice on how to slowly merge our families together and not feel jealous of their relationship and try to welcome her as one of my own.

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wichitanewstepmom's picture

Submitted by wichitanewstepmom on Tue, 01/14/2014 - 4:35pm

I have seriously thought about that. She controls most of what we do. If she isn't happy everyone adjusts around it. Shes a good kid but her dad doesn't see it. If I have a bad day she instantly says I don't want her around and he talks to me about how I make her feel.

Azure's picture

Submitted by Azure on Tue, 01/14/2014 - 4:37pm

If you haven't already, take some time to read the blogs and forums on this site. Other people live with this very same thing and its not pretty. Sorry you are going through this!!

wichitanewstepmom's picture

Submitted by wichitanewstepmom on Tue, 01/14/2014 - 4:40pm

I am in the process of reading them now. In her defense her mother is no longer in the picture and her father is all she has. He's a good dad but she goes everywhere with him all the time and needs daddy daughter time all the time. I have my child 1/2 the time and we have her full time. Its hard to not want alone time but I obviously go about it the wrong way. I am just looking for advice on how to accept that their relationship has been around for 10 years and our is new. So in reality it takes a back seat.

Hanny's picture

Submitted by Hanny on Tue, 01/14/2014 - 4:59pm

This is not a good start. If your SO won't step up and put you first, and won't quit being a Disney Dad all I can say is you don't have a very good chance of making this marriage work. Yes, read all you can read here. She is only 10 and has many years before she will hopefully get a life of her own going. That is what helped our situation is when the youngest finally started driving and going out with friends. And I've read on here where sometimes the teenagers don't ever want to have friends and go out, they just want to be with dad. Just really, really think about what you are doing to your children, there will probably be inequities between your kids and her and it doesn't sound like your SO will step up.

SituationalTourettes's picture

Submitted by SituationalTourettes on Wed, 01/15/2014 - 2:42pm

^^^^^^ all of the immediate posts above ^^^^^

There should be TWO in a marriage - not THREE.

If you can't be a priority now over his daughter then what makes you think he will once you're married?

Please please please seriously think about this and make sure you lay some boundaries NOW if you do decide to go through with the marriage.

Stick's picture

Submitted by Stick on Tue, 01/14/2014 - 7:12pm

Wichita - how long have you and your fiancé been dating? And how long have you been engaged?

Before I take a stand that his is normal behavior toward a motherless 10 year old child... or before I go and call her a mini-wife or say that he is not putting you first... we need more info and need to know more about your relationship.

This is coming from someone who's now Dear Husband - who I truly am grateful for as part of my life... but my DH was very very protective of his 8 year old daughter when we met. And he did put her first for a very long time. It was a gradual process to find everyone's place in their respective relationships. And he did it because (1) he felt guilty about leaving her and (2) her mom wasn't that great to her so he was very protective because he was all she had. Just like your fiancee. Think about it... if I am reading correctly - this is a 10 year old girl with NO MOM. I'd be protective too a bit.

In any event, it's all speculation on what to do and how to do it, until we know the dynamics of your and fiancee's relationship and how long you have been together.

wichitanewstepmom's picture

Submitted by wichitanewstepmom on Wed, 01/15/2014 - 2:33pm

I appreciate you not just telling me to run since the situation you were in seems similar. Her mother and her do not have a relationship. She is not a disrespectful child she is just very very daddy needy. I am having a hard time explaining to him that I need to be a priority in his life as well. I understand why he is protective but I really think it is going to have negative results on his daughter. I'm ok with them taking days to go places because GOD knows I need time to myself too. I just think he needs to take a different approach with her. Remind her that she is the child and not his "better half". SD likes me, she always wants to go places with me but I need her to realize and her dad to realize that her dad and I need time to ourselves as well. They go EVERYWHERE together. If you could offer advice on how to talk to him about her and how to approach it so he doesn't get defensive that would be helpful. I do not sugar coat so I shoot straight to the point, which isn't working well. At this time we don't spend every night together. When I have my children we stay at separate houses. I'm just looking for advice on how to show him that this relationship isn't healthy for her and he's not doing her any favors. He's a good dad, but I believe its time for her to start becoming her own person and not a mini me of her father

Stick's picture

Submitted by Stick on Wed, 01/15/2014 - 9:55pm

Hi Wichitanewstepmom ! If I could give you any advice on this, it would be to take it slow and pick your battles on behaviors. Don't try to correct all of the clinginess at once.... maybe in one area at a time. Also, be sure that when you do this, you aren't angry or annoyed. Give yourself time to cool off before you point it out (if you can) so it is taken more constructively. And think of how you would want it said to you about your children. If someone came to you and said "You are spoiling or babying your kid by doing this"... how would you want them to say it?

I've done this both ways - where I just sort of snapped and then other times, when it was pointed out that - for the good of SD, she should be doing x, y, or z. It sounds like your SO agrees that she is a bit clingy and doesn't know how to stop it either - without hurting his daughter. Something that really worked for me was when I would compare SD at her age to my DH at that same age. I would ask him... did you do this when you were little? Or did your brothers and sisters? That helped him put it in perspective.

Since you have children, you had to wean them off of you to become more independent. So you could use those same tactics for SD or show DH how to do it. And as you know, sometimes it probably worked with your kids and other times they still were clingy.

Again, for DH, he needs to understand this is for the good of his daughter in the long run.

And for SD, she just needs to understand that there is no competition, you aren't taking SO away. For all we know SD could be clingy out of fear that she will lose you - both of you - since she seems to want to go everywhere with you. Get her more involved with her friends - baby steps - and make sure she knows that SO will always be there for her. Give her more security and she may feel more confident to branch out. My SD's problem was that she didn't feel safe with her mom. So her dad gave her security and the feeling of being loved. When you look at it that way, it makes it somewhat easier to figure out how to proceed.

Best wishes to you - I hope that you can all work this out!

wichitanewstepmom's picture

Submitted by wichitanewstepmom on Wed, 01/15/2014 - 2:18pm

I want to make it know that he corrects her when she even slightly disrepects me. There is no date set and the merger of families is most likely a year off. I'm just on here to look for tips and advice (which I am getting and appreciate) on how to talk to him about this properly. He does get very defensive because she is all he has. I have spoke to him about our relationship is what is going to hold the family together and if he doesn't see it that way then I will move on with my life. He's a good man, a protective father. I've told him he is doing her no favors by treating her like this. She is young and needs to start having her own life and own space. He agrees with this and we are trying to think of ways to help approach this without making her feel unwanted. Its not that I am not a strong woman. I care about him and I do care about the upbringing of his daughter. If running from the situation is my answer I shall go my own way but if there is a solution to the problem I don't want to get into the habit when things get tough.

In the past I have ran when things get tough. I completely understand that if things are unhealthy for me I need to move on but I just want to make sure I am doing the best thing possible. I have told him if things continue on this path I'm not the one for him. I have to do what is right for me and my own family. I appreciate all the help and advice.

EvilWickedSM's picture

Submitted by EvilWickedSM on Wed, 01/15/2014 - 2:44pm

I think what set my DH (somewhat) straight was when I put it to him this way. I said "Our children are going to grow up, get married, and have families of their own. We owe it to the kids and to ourselves to put our marriage first, and respect each other, and demand respect from and for each other because it would be great if we actually like each other when they're gone. They are our responsibility, but our marriage is our priority, because when they are out of the house and on their own, we are only going to have each other." Just try to explain to him that you think he is a great dad, but you feel he is doing his daughter a terrible injustice by catering to her. She needs to learn how to function without her father's assistance, and without him bein there by her side for everything.