I moved out five months ago after a big fight. And that was pretty much it. We no longer see eachother nor do we talk. The only thing I will say in retrospect is that if you are already halfway gone think about what you are doing and why. Things might change and they might not. With my ex gf, they did not and she was unwilling to change. She still will not even admit that her kids behavior and her refusal to face what their behavior was doing to our relationship ended our relationship.

A parent will always want to spend time with their kids so should a step parent. BUT the two adults need time for THEMSELVES.

My situation ended and I can tell you there are wonderful people out there. IF the two of you want to make it work, then you can but both of you have to want to make it work. My ex didn't and so we ended it.

Seems to me that he has made it clear that his kids will come first above and beyond all else. He is also telling you to put up, shut up or get out. One thing I do agree with him though is the vas reversal. This man is telling you he is not ready to have children with you. This is the absolute worse time to press him to have the reversal especially since the relationship is so rocky right now. You don't want to bring another child into this, it will not make things better. I know you love the man, but sometimes love just ain't enough.

I've had the same problem. My husband made a list once. Didn't go well with me either. I told him that the next time he feels the need to write something negative about me, make another column and write something positive. I was so smokin' pissed at that damn list, he never tried that little trick again. His list was more on the things that I did that made him mad, like not putting my makeup away, etc. So my reaction was maybe if I wan't so busy getting your three daughters ready for school I would have the time to put my makeup away. It solved nothing. I can tell you what he could do with his stupid list...

Anyways, from what I've read - your fiance sounds extremely selfish. Ultimatums and demands don't bode well with me, though. I almost feel like he tricked you to come back and then he said "just kidding" It's kinda bs, especially if he has a whole slew of demands for you. COMPROMISE is what good relationships entail, not one person doing whatever the other one expects.

As far as the skids, it is good thing that he is a big part of their life and trust me, I know all about soccer games and baseball and dance and art classes and cheerleading and on and on and on. Kids are time consuming, especially their extra curricular activities. So in his defense, I can understand his need to fulfill his coaching commitment. But he needs to fulfill his commitment to you as well - again compromise. My husband and I have date night every Thursday. Whether it's at home, a dinner, movies, happy hour with friends, whatever - every Thursday we do something, just the two of us.

I commend him for wanting him to be a big part of his children's lives BUT these major decision that he is making are no longer ONLY his choices. He shouldn't be able to just say my way or the highway. It's not fair. Is that what a patnership is all about? I think not.

I would be getting out of there. I would also get counseling to help me deal with all of these issues. I would not want to bring an innocent child into this fiasco. Every step family has its issues, but this one would be impossible to deal with.

It seems like this man expects you to make quite a few sacrifices,for his happiness, without concern for yours. The demand that really bothers me is the one concerning your emotions and feelings. I don't think anyone has the right to dictate to someone else how they should feel. True feelings, can't be turned off an on like a switch. He is basically asking you to keep those feelings bottled up. Is that how you really want to live your life? It doesn't seem like he has any respect for you, and in turn his kids and ex will not respect you either.

Don't you think you deserve someone who will always take your feelings into consideration when life altering decisions are made? He seems to have made up his mind about moving closer to his kids, in the same suburb. That puts you near BM and sk so the interaction you have with them both will probably increase. Are you sure you could keep any negative feelings to yourself? I know I couldn't!

I was in a 4 year volatile relationship, so I know what you are feeling. I finally decided that one of us had to stop the insanity, and end it. It was so hard, b/c we really loved each other to death. I have come to the realization, that some people are just not meant to be together. As Sasha said , sometimes love just ain't enough! Hugs, and good luck with your decision.

**How seldom we weigh our neighbors in the same balance as ourselves. ~Thomas à Kempis**

I know you moved across this country to be w/your fiance, but honey it doesn't sound like this is a perfect match. You have someone you say you have caught in lies about his ex, allows his ex to manipulate him over a house, and always always puts his children ahead of his relationship with you.

First thing is first, you deserve a man who is going to put his marriage to you as his first priority. In any relationship, marriage comes first, and the children depend on it being that way b/c married parents help one another keep a stable home for the children. I understand that he wants to be a devoted father, but he needs to be a devoted husband first. Happy parents make very happy children. Life isn't about putting the kids first, it's about putting your marriage first, then the kids, and all will benefit from it. Trust me on that one. You will never be a happy wife coming in 2nd, 3rd, 4th or 5th...you need to be #1 in your hubby's life. That's just the way it is.

Secondly, you complain that he hasn't cut the cord with the ex, he allows her to manipulate him. Why on Earth would you want to be with a man who allows his ex to manipulate him badly? I know a lot of our men on here are manipulated in small ways, but you complain that your finance has lied to you over how he has handled things with his ex. Do you want to be wive #2 that is in 2nd place to your hubby, and in 2nd place to his ex-wife? Or do you want a man who cherishes the ground you walk on and puts you first, and tells the crazy ex-bitch to F*ck off when she is being unreasonable? Being in blended families already sets us up for comprimise, but there is no way in hell you will be a happily married woman, when his ex is still running his life. Cut the strings, or move out...

I know you made a huge investment on moving from NY to CO, but honey, I see some major red flags, and I say cut your losses, accept that you made a gamble and it just didn't work out. I'm sure you could move back to NY return to your old job, and find peace with realizing your gamble didn't pay out. It's okay, we all take risk, you are not a failure b/c this relationship didn't work out.

I just see from what you are typing, you are making all the comprimises for someone who doesn't value you the way he should. It's his loss. You might love him tremendously, and he might be a great guy in a number of ways, but he doesn't know how to treat his future wife, and he doesn't know how to set boundaries with an ex, and he prioritizes children over you. And please understand, that is a recipe for disaster. If you stick it out with this guy, you are going to make all the comprimises, and still be unhappy. You will continue to be unhappy b/c during your marriage you will be thinking your on your honeymoon, and the ex wife calls and he drops you to do whatever she says. You should never sign up to be married to a man the answers to another woman.

Sorry for being so blunt, I really want to help you, and I'm not saying his is a horrible person, just messed up priorities. There is already a huge amount of comprimise with getting involved with a man with children from a previous relationship, it's already difficult. Why invest more in him, when you have the world at your fingertips, and deserve to have someone who will treat you the way you should be treated.

Good luck,
Candice

Sounds like it's designed to make you leave, rather than an attempt at negotiating a life WITH you.

~ Anne ~

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I agree totally with what Sasha said! My husband has come along way concerning his EX and the kids(now grown),The Pastor that married us,was counsiling us BEFORE the marriage,and he told BOTH of us that the reality of our life together will always have both EX and the children in our lives.BUT, we CAN limit the EX's existance,and the children will grow up and begin their own lives.Pastor told hubby to ALWAYS stand beside and honor his wife,his duties as a father are to guide his children into the world in the best way he is able to.BUT DO NOT EVER PUT YOUR CHILDREN BEFORE YOUR WIFE.They are to make their own way in this world when they are grown, his JOB is done!But that dosen't mean to turn his back on them, not at all,it's just that, as they grow and mature, they should WANT to have their Dad be happy with the woman he married.(or in any life he decides on) But since he is not doing any of these things and ALWAYS puts the children before you,not to mention the EX, Honey, please cut your loses BEFORE it is too late,(like a child together,you would have ABSOLUTE HELL then, believe me when I tell this,I have been there)the children seem like they are really not accepting you, and your BF is not backing you up on the way his children treat you!It is only proper that they treat you with the respect you deserve right??? Not to mention BF!!!! (they do that with strangers they meet out in public,am I right? It sounds to me like BF wants things his way,shut up, and hand over your dignity, pride and common sense.If you marry you have a 50/50 say in what happens in your own home!!!!!!!!HELL, you have a say NOW!!! Do you REALLY WANT this man as a husband???? And a father???? If he won't open his eyes to the truth of the kids now, what will he do if you have a REALLY AND TRULLY needy child???? Like maybe a retarded child, God forbid! But God does have his plans,and believe me when I say it sounds like your BF has not really grown up himself! I know it's easier said than done, but think long and hard, the really HONEST question to ask yourself is what I SAID EARLIER, Can you see yourself with this man as the father of YOUR CHILD and he absolutely WILL NOT back you and meet you half way to help the kids FOR THEIR OWN GOOD!
Good Luck, AND believe it when I say, there are wonderful men (and great fathers)out there just waiting for the special lady that I can see from here is YOU! How old are you by the way???
I know a few wonderful MEN out there right now, who are wondering where the hell are all the decent women????????? Wink Wink !!!
(I'm not kidding about the men out there,I just know it's too soon to even be thinking along those lines right now,but they ARE out there!)

hangingin

In the past 2 years I have seen a lot of people meeting and attempting to form relationships on the Internet. I have also seen quite a few women give it up and go back where they came from. People can tell you anything on the Internet and what you get is normally totally different.
Start thinking about you, what you want, your future and where you want to be. Maybe going back where you have real friends, a career and familiarity is the way to go.

A relationship of any kind is about COMPROMISE.... it doesn't sound to me like your fiance' is willing to join in a life WITH you.... he would rather form you to fit into his life.... thats just not what a marriage is about.

"Don't be distracted by criticism. Remember, the only taste of success some people ever have is when they take a bite out of you."

I must say, this man is putting you at the bottom of his short list of priorities. He seems to have good parenting confused with bowing down to the demands of his ex wife, and is over compensating for guilt about the divorce by spending so much time with his children, putting them before you. I was curious about a male opinion on this situation, as my husband is also very close to his kids. I briefly described to him the demands this man is making on you, and he wanted to write to you himself to say "run". I wouldn't let him because this is "my" place to vent and support others. But, I thought you should know that is one BD's opinion. And thank God your fiance has not had the V reversal. Once you bring your own child into the situation, you are trapped. It is much harder to get out, and problems with stepkids and exs are hugely multiplied. Consider yourself lucky for not getting pregnant before you found out this wasn't going to work. Now, I don't mean this is going to be easy, I feel for you. I can't imagine how difficult this must be. But, you deserve to be treated like you matter, not like you should bow down to his every whim just to be kept around. There IS someone out there that will respect you and ALL of your feelings.
Good luck to you.

It does get better with time. It will hurt now, but that is a reflection on your character. Not the situation; the relationship; the skids; him or anything else. Time does heal all wounds regardless of how much they hurt.

Kevin

So he made promises to get you back, then went back on them. He's turned things around so that everything goes his way... again. He won't make the compromises but expects you to make all the compromises & sacrifice. Your needs continue to go unmet, & he's not concerned about this because everything else comes before you. If you stay, this will not change. Even if you leave, he'll turn it around so it's all on his terms. Look, he breaks his promises & refuses to meet your needs. Relationships work both ways, but yours looks one way. Can you live with that for the rest of your life?

I've been there. There's something painful yet intoxicating about a relationship like that. Leaving hurts like hell. The break up is the worst feeling ever... but it was the best thing that ever happened to me. Looking back, I wonder why I ever put up with being treated like that.

And looking back again, the best way to leave is from right under his nose, while he's not looking. I know it's cruel, but it's better than finding out the hard way that he can be much crueler (is that a word?)

I hope you the best Darling, & whatever you decide, just go with your gut.

Hipi