After the first post, I decided to detail the most recent events that kind of lead me me here. I promise I won't keep writing books here in the future!!!

Before I begin, after bumping into a link to an article about parenting by guilt that someone posted on here and then googling it to learn even more, I believe finding out about that concept helped me understand what exactly and why DH is doing what he is doing. As for as SD, I believe she is like many young children with divorced parents, who most often are jealous of their parents’ love interest, at least at first. In her case, she has found that her ability to manipulate and control her father has been very successful for her in keeping his attention focused solely on her thus will continue to exercise it. I believe at 4 and 5 yo, it was largely the want for attention from her dad…more innocent if you will. At 10 ½ I think her neediness for her dad is more deliberate to prevent any of his attention being directed toward me specifically…more vindictive if you will. I’m sure the BM keeps this fueled somehow too.

Ok so, as mentioned in my first blog post, DH and I have been married and me present in the home each time that SD is in his possession for 1 ½ years now. At first I accepted the excessive attention, coddling, and catering that DH gave to SD, and excussing it as him feeling it was something he needed to do as a way of helping her adjust to the new household and assure her that even though he had gotten married that she was just as important to him as she ever was. I willingly made efforts too and for the longest dismissed things that today have begun to obviously ruffle me. I remember soon after we married, DH was taking her to the mall to shop for a swimsuit…finally time to start using the pool for the first time. I tagged along. We only shopped at the one young girl’s specialty shop…not like I asked them to also go into any store for my own inclination. When they began discussing what we had at home to eat for lunch, I did however suggest we stop by my favorite deli. Needless to say SD balked. I wasn’t surprised because she was never in favor of eating lunch out anytime I had suggested it back during those day visits when DH had the separate apartment for them. Surprisingly we went anyway but she sulked, pouted and complained the entire meal and only dabbling and playing in her food. DH spent the whole meal trying to cheer her up. No biggy. Give it time...so I just didn’t suggest eating out again until just recently.

By now I have already had conversations with DH about the concerns and feelings I have about the dynamics in our home. Anyway, after spending all evening, from the time he picked her up until he came to bed, up in the gameroom with SD then waking up and immediately going back up the next morning to be by her side again. I eventually make my way up to the gameroom, hang out too for a while and go for it….I said ‘why don’t we go to xxx(burger place about a mile from the house) for burgers for lunch. DH, sensitive to a conversation we had just recently had, says that it sounds like a good idea and proceeds to ask SD if she’d like to go to xxx. Of course she didn’t and he begins to do a little begging and convincing. She heads off to her room, you’d think to go change out of her pjs.

DH goes in to check on her after a little while. I could hear that her changing clothes had not been the case. I hear DH trying to get her to wear either this or how about that and she’s not having any of it. Finally from the gameroom I tell them ‘forget about it. The reason she doesn’t want to go isn’t because she doesn’t have anything to wear, it is because it was my suggestion and I would be going. She doesn’t want to go because of me.’ I can tell he is frustrated with me for the comment, but continues to try to get her to cooperate to no avail. By then I’m beside myself and said something to the effect of . ‘Tell her if she doesn’t want to go, we’ll go and just leave her here.’ OMG DH comes storming out of her room and confronts me about saying that…even suggesting it. I told him that I had no intention or expectation of leaving her home alone, but had said it to try to get her moving. (perhaps we can talk on here on the board about the notion of leaving a 10 ½ yo home alone for 45min/1hr or so) Anyway, I told him that this didn’t have to be something he had to beg and convince her to do for as long as he had, instead he could just tell her to get her clothes on and get her butt in the car. Somewhere in all this I told him that he is the one who is creating this (ie the problem of a spoiled child and her contention toward me). I told him that it was about control, and that she wants to be in control of him. He is defending her and himself and of course SD is hearing all this and it is obvious that I am defeated. I conceded and just went to my room for the rest the weekend. I'm not typically an outburst person but my hurt feeling had simmered for too long.

For the next month or so I remained pretty disengaged when SD is over, as well as with DH in general…the hopeless and inevitable feeling is stronger then ever. I’ve kept completely out of their way. But on one Saturday night after whole day of the usual…it’s probably 9pm or so, and I call up to DH in the gameroom and ask him if he would come down for a minute. He does, but is getting something from the kitchen to take up to the gameroom for them as well. I asked him why didn’t he hang out in the living room for a little while. He starts stumbling with excuses and tells me I ought to come up to the gameroom instead. But my intention was to see if he would/could actually break away from her for even just a little bit. He’s been watching Hannnah Montana, Suite Life, etc all day. You’d think he’d be game for some adult tv and conversation for at least a few moments. After I realize it wasn’t going to happen, I asked him if they were siamese twins or what? And tell him that he keeps his nose so far up her ass that it is sickening and that at the same time he was creating a monster. This is not a loud exchange, but instead one in conversation tone, still we step into the bed room and close the door and continue discussing this. I’m crying by then and then SD starts calling for her dad. She had apparently been standing outside our bedroom door and was now wanting to be taken home to her mother’s house.

A few days later DH tell me that what we are going to do is that he is going to write a letter to my son apologizing for the way he has treated him in the past (another story for another day) and I am going to write a letter to SD apologizing for what she heard me say the other evening and during the confrontation about going to get burgers for lunch a few weeks earlier. I told him I wasn’t writing any letter until I spoke to a counselor about it…that counseling is what we needed. A day or two later he emails me the letter he had written to my son and tells me that he is going to type up one from me to SD, but that I could look it over before he did anything with it. What??? Ok, the letter he wrote my son was a pretty generic apology but still I wrote him back asking him to help me understand the timing of this apology to my son What is motivating him to do so right now at this time, after this many years? I told him that I was inclined to believe it is because he wanted to achieve something for his daughter (an apology from me), and not because he suddenly felt my son was deserving of an apology or even that he was suddently inspired to do so out of love or respect for me, and that which I value. If that were the case, I believe an apology to my son would have been something that he would have felt compelled to do a long time ago. I didn’t even respond to the part about him going to write a note from me to SD. I was speechless about that. But I did leave him a note on the counter one morning that he needed to check to see if his work had an employee assistance program (EAP) that offered counseling. I wanted to make sure that if he were told anything he didn’t want to hear or didn’t like from a counselor, that the reason wasn’t because it was “my” counselor who was obviously siding with me for that reason. I told him that if his employer didn’t have an EAP that mine did.

So a few more days later he sends me an email with the letter he wrote from me to SD. I didn’t even respond and I guess he got the hint because he came back later saying he had a list of counselors that his EAP had given him and that the first one he tried wouldn’t be able to see us for weeks, but that he was awaiting return calls from a couple of the others. He asked me a few days later what I thought of the apology letter that he had written from me to SD. I told him it wasn’t anything that I would have said. I ended up re-writing his version pretty much entirely. I started out working on it more just to figure out what I would say and really wasn’t even sure I was ready to do this, give an apology letter that is. But after drafting it, I decided it probably was a polite way of conveying to both her and him what I was thinking. So I sent it to him to give to her. I have no clue if he did. Now as I’m typing this post, I wonder if he may have given her his version instead. His critique of mine was that I needed to have included a compliment to her to let her know that I think highly of her.

Here was his version:

Xxx, I want to apologize to you for the things I have said and that you heard. At times I got angry with your dad, we argued and I said some things to him out of anger, not meaning to hurt you or make you feel bad. Your dad and I are working through some things and will continue to work through some of the things we are going through. I think you are an intelligent and lovely young lady, with a bright future a head of you. I think all of us can have fun together like walking the pups, putting puzzles together, or playing games. If you ever have any questions, please feel free to ask me or your dad.

And here is mine:

I want to apologize to you for what you heard me say when I was talking to your father. I was upset with him about a situation that I felt he handled unfairly and I did not intend to say things to hurt your feeling. Your dad and I have talked more after we both calmed down and are working through these things together more sensibly. I believe we can make this a better household for all of us if every one of us is considerate of each others needs and feelings equally. I think all of us can have fun together whether it is doing things we all want to do or taking turns doing things each one of us pick to do. If you ever have any questions, please feel free to ask me or your dad.

Like I said, I don’t know which version he gave her or if he even gave her one at all. But last week when DS was over, there was no mention of it. After seeing last Friday play out as things always do, I decided I was going to get out of this place for as much as I could, so I spent much of my day both Saturday and Sunday running errands and shopping. When I got home Sunday afternoon I took the dogs for a walk and to play in this field behind our subdivision. Like always if there is a puddle they get in and lay in it. They are caked with stinky mud so I called DH from my cell as I’m reach the driveway and ask him if he would bring the dog shampoo out front so I could go ahead and bath them with the waterhose on the side of the garage before letting them in the house. He does and even offers to assist when he sees how messy they are. Bathing the dogs is not a quiet event. We’re talking to the dogs, laughing and talking to each other and even talking to the neighbors who are out with their dog. The pups get frisky after they are bathed and we’re both yelling at our female to quit jumping around and trying to go out over where the neighbor dog is. I had heard SD come out the utility room door into the garage while we were bathing the pups. We are right there outside of the garage just around the corner from the garage’s big driveway opening. No way you can not help but hear us from inside the garage. As we start to lead the dogs around the corner and into the garage to go into the house, I hear the utility room door slam. I knew that SD had obviously rushed in ahead of us, I assumed so as not to have to be in the same space as me. Anyway I proceed to go in and get the dogs fed and DH heads upstairs…surprise surprise. I hear him at SD’s bedroom door saying “SD, what’s wrong? Let me in. Why are you crying?” I hear him explaining that he was right outside right by the garage. He tells her to come over and look out the window so he can show her the waterhose where we were at. I’m not believing this! When it sounded like things had calmed down upstairs, I called up and asked if he could down for a sec. I asked him if SD was upset. He tells me yes, that she didn’t know where we were and thought we had left her home alone. It was apparent from the way he was telling this that he had seriously bought in to it! I told him I heard her come out the utility room door and knew that she was in the garage listening to us while we were bathing the dogs. I asked him didn’t he hear the door slam as she ran back in when she heard us start to head into the garage?!?! I think he realized then that I was probably right so he snaps at me ‘just drop it’. I told him that I was just letting him know that she was playing him. He again tells me to drop it. On top of this I’m sure that SD reported immediately to BM that DH, or we, left her home alone without telling her where we’d gone…grrrr.

My and DH’s first counselor appointment is Tuesday. I wonder if DH is expecting counseling to go in such a way that is intended to help me to deal with the way things are. I’m sure I have issues but what if the counselor sees me as the one with all this issues and finds DH and SD’s behavior perfectly acceptable. Sigh

Also this is a male counselor...any one have any negative or unexpected experiences from men counselors?

Ok I’ve rambled way too much!!!