Step parent is the main caretaker
:?
Are you the main caretaker to your step kids? I'm just wondering how many have taken that role because you were "put" in that situation. How is it working for you?
I was a full time nurse and my dh is a driver. Since he works longer hours, I was found to be at home more and more, alone, with step kids. As time went on, it slowly got to the point where his hours were increasing and I was the one decreasing mine. It was ok at first, shoot! It was nice to be home for once and not have to worry about working 50/60 hours a week. However, when problems arose, I found myself being the main disciplinary which I DO NOT agree with. I know some of you are ok with that, and I'm ok that you are, just in our situation, I'm not comfortable because that's one line I don't cross. Don't get me wrong, I will verbally correct them( they are 10 and 15 yo girls), I may even take away the tv or send them to their room but as far as grounding or whooping that butt, no thanks.
Anyway, I now find myself racing home from work to make sure one of us are home when kids get off the bus. Dh can never seem to make it home on time. I'm the one cooking and cleaning after work, laundry, helping 10 yo with homework, etc..... Ok, I have had enough. I agreed to HELP with the skids but to be the primary parent here????? Anyone else stressed and can relate? How do you deal with it ? Would love to hear from you?
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I knew my Dh had kids when we
I knew my Dh had kids when we got together, and I helped him get Sole custody of his, its a big transition since Im used to it only being my BD1, BS4 and BS5 and we have rough spots but are making it through.
Do I feel as if I have been put in that main caretaker role? I do. Hubbs needs to step it up for his own kiddos.
Do I hate it? Honestly sometimes yes. Look I care about these kids, but they are not biologically mine. My first and foremost responsibility is to my own biological kids. I will not put them on a backburner for anyone. Not even my Hubbs.
Do I find myself being the main discipline for the kids? Most times yes. And I hate it.Hubbs needs to help co-parent, and quit being a lazy shit. aka A 'weekend dad'
In Addition, lately I have
In Addition, lately I have been telling hubbs to step it up with his kiddos cuz I am done doing it all and enabling him to be this way. He is trying and I know its hard for him but he has to step it up sometime. Our marriage is having less stress now, kids seem happier all around. Yes they were happy before, but now its even better, and hubbs is even starting to help with housework!
Having been through a
Having been through a relationship break up that was VERY ugly, and in that relationship having been the main caretaker for DS (now 14) and SS (we split when he was 14 almost 5 years ago now) I have learned:
Never do more in a relationship than you WISH you'd have done if it ends.
I've beaten myself up a lot because during that marriage I sacrificed my ability to earn so I could put more time and effort into the family and so Ex H could dedicate more time to his own work. When the relationship ended (his choice, he met someone younger) I found I'd earned nothing for my efforts and had no savings built up of my own, very little work history to fall back on to support myself and the absolute woe of having dedicated myself to a stepchild who never looked back after the split.
Just from past experience I'd say don't sacrifice what you need to take on someone else's responsibilities. I think that experience is helping me deal with present SO and SK. Disengage and keep think of yourself sweetie, in the end your DH will probably respect you more for it (and is less likely to see you as a potential victim if he's that way inclined).
That's so heartbreaking to
That's so heartbreaking to hear.
Three and a half years ago we
Three and a half years ago we got custody of SS17 (then 14) and it was through probation. I had no choice but to become the main care provider because I was not legally able to leave SS unsupervised, especially around my BS10 (then 7)). I couldn't even go to the bathroom without locking my SS in his room. It has never felt like I could stop and even now when I don't "legally" have to supervise every move in my home, I do. I will NEVER leave my children awake and alone together!!! It has gotten so that if we ever see SD15 (different BM) I won't have her here without DH. I will never have all 3 kids alone.
I am now looking forward to SS graduating high school and leaving. I know he will leave because he hates being here and thinks that if he doesn't live here, he will have to be in jail or state care. I know that when he leaves, my BS, DH, and I will get to live again. I have put my life on hold long enough and hard enough!!
I'm being told by SS17's girlfriend's mother that I hate my SS... I don't hate him... I'm tired, tired of him not talking to us, the lies when he does, the way he can make everyone think we are so horrible, the ways he goes about breaking the rules and blames his mother when he gets caught, the ways he can manipulate... I'm so done.
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Wow, y'all have AMAZING
Wow, y'all have AMAZING stories with great advice and lessons attached to them. I appreciate y'all's honesty and you sharing with me what most don't listen to. It makes me feel more comfortable knowing there are others, you, out there that have this going on. I don't feel like the odd ball out! Lol.
I have to be honest here, I listen to people and their advice in my world and I always hear" you should love your skids like up do your own". I never could admit to them that I don't, not in the 7 years they have been in my life. I love them and care for them but not like my bio son( I am a first time mom to my bio boy, 3 yo). Here I work hospice and home health and thought maybe there was something wrong with my heart that I just didn't want to take all this on because it really is too much! I watch dr Phil and always see him fixing the wrong in the parents and blaming the parents for the kids bad behaviors. I thought it was me that made them bad and unbearable to be around but it is not me. I don't have a mean bone in my body and the things I try and teach them, they will not take to heart because their bio mom has already laid that stone down for them. It's a lot of stress. I don't know how y'all do it and still breathe. I have just recently let go of some of my responsibilities and am making the skids and dh communicate and work things out more. Just that little bit that I have, I can breathe better now.
I feel like my dh has put me in this position and it has wore me thin. I'm stepping back now. I refuse to be disrespected, manipulated, and treated like a slave to their every whim. I learned recently that nothing I do will ever amount to what they expect so, new rule, see how you do without what step mom does, buys, and tolerates. I don't think they are liking it much but someone had to do it.
Thank you ladies. I love you for sharing and being honest.... And listening.
Sorry for the typos, I am
Sorry for the typos, I am well educated but my iphone and eyeballs are not... Lol
Yes, I'm the main caretaker,
Yes, I'm the main caretaker, but that's because that's what I built my life around-taking care of my own kids. I didn't want them in daycare, so I've worked from home other than a part time gig here or there, or a job where I could take them to work with me. Right now he works M-F and I work only weekends away from home, and I work M-F from home, but only when it works for my scheduling with the kids. They all do activities and play sports, so running them around is pretty full time by itself.