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My husband not only allowes his 22 year old daughter to play mind games but he joins in they think it is fun

walkedon's picture

Submitted by walkedon on Sat, 07/30/2011 - 12:00pm

Our marriage was great from the start, the first year was awsome I had never felt so loved. A year into our marriage my husbands 17 almost 18 year old daughter came to live with us. I was 24 at the time, so not too much older than she. It went down hill from there...she would park in my place after I had repeatedly ask her not to so I would have to lug the groceries from the curb, she would borrow my make up and my clothes and ruin them, she wouldnt get a job and she would rent pay per views all day long, and I would come home from work to a dirty house and have to clean it, as it was for sale and being shown often. She would do things to me to get me to complain to her dad as a result causing conflict in our marriage. She had a threesome in the room next to my two year old son. I was at my wits end! my husband was totally on her side about everything and I was apartment hunting! We had an open house coming up and she was planning on going to see her mom....I asked her to please clean her room before she left....she looked at me like make me and walked out the door.....so i cleaned it! In doing so i found a little wooden box containing four different prescription pills, I showed them to her dad he said they were probably vitemins or birth control! any how I threw them away. upon returning and finding I had thrown out her vitemins and cleaned her room she got angry and moved out! My husband Called me and told me off and said" are you happy now," I told him I would go if he wanted to call her back but that is not the kind of house hold i would be raising my son in. He was shocked by my respnse and I was so hurt that he could treat me that way when I had done nothing wrong! It was fine for quite a few years after that we have a babygirl now too and started our own restaurant, a year into that she decided she wanted to come work for us! I was horrified because I didnt think our marriage could withstand her manipulation once more...I was right, she hung a picture of her mother in my home, she is 21 at this time and living with us wich is fine but we already pay her cell phone and every other bill she had and now she was living in my home and a picture of my husbands ex- wife in a half shirt( not a flattering one) doesn't need to don the walls I pay for.She plays so many games trying to hurt me and he sees it and plays along I wonder if he wants out or if it is just a game? She constantly talkes about her mom so much that the other employees call her my mamma o here comes my mamma I know she is just doing it to get under my skin! I understand her motives but why does my husband not only condone her behaviour but he plays into it?

Comments

cat72196's picture

Submitted by cat72196 on Sat, 07/30/2011 - 12:12pm

Her behavior and the fact that she moved in w/you and her father leads me to believe that she must have a really, really unstable BM. This child is lost, and you're the only example she has of a mother, and she's resisting you, plain and simple. She feels that loving and respecting you would be a betrayal of her BM, whom I'm guessing is a worthless piece of shit, but SD obviously seems to worship her.

Your husband isn't playing a game. I've come to the conclusion that men don't have the intelligence or effort required to play mind games on purpose. He's suffering from extreme guilt, and he's being pulled in two directions. His daughter got off to a terrible start in life, and it's partly his fault for having a child w/the woman he did. He loves you, but he's trying to "go easy" on her because she has every possible disadvantage in life going for her. Unfortunately, where the best thing for this kid would've been structure, routine, discipline and a firm hand, he gave her the exact opposite.

I don't know what to tell you about how to handle this. I'm sure many people will say disengage from her and pour your attention and energy into your son & daughter. I think that's what I'd be tempted to do.

walkedon's picture

Submitted by walkedon on Sat, 07/30/2011 - 12:24pm

Thank you for your comment my husband also acts differently towards me when she is around....and I know it is guilt, sometimes like three moth spans she will let me in and I feel like we are getting close but then bam right back into manipulation it just sucks and I think it must be when her mother is having issues.....but she doesn't respect her dad we pay for her cell phone she doesn't answer his calls often and never returns them and then he yells at me that Im coming between him and his daughter! Which makes me so sad I would never want to do that! I just feel that he favors her , he has another daughter same mother and she is 20 and she is pleasant respectful and pays her own bills rarely talks to her dad but I think it's because she sees that sd22 is his favorite and she can't compete! he bought sd22 4 vehicles before she was 18 and she wrecked every one of them and laughed about it! sd20 got one! He is financially retarding her and I have a problem with that as I believe every woman should be able to support herself so she isnt dependent upon someone else!

cat72196's picture

Submitted by cat72196 on Sat, 07/30/2011 - 2:37pm

Oops-- I see what you're saying, but I guess what I meant was that she's the only possible stable mother "FIGURE" the stepdaughter has around-- not that she actually considers her a mother, which is what I meant by SD resisting. She's resisting accepting or respecting her as a mother. I agree w/what you're saying.

oneoffour's picture

Submitted by oneoffour on Sat, 07/30/2011 - 2:42pm

I don't think this girl can respect her as a mother but she should damned well respect her a an adult who is subsidising her freaking lifestyle... or at the very least treats her with civility and politeness as another adult in her life until the OP gives her a reason to not do so.

oneoffour's picture

Submitted by oneoffour on Sat, 07/30/2011 - 2:33pm

OK, you are 6-7 yrs older than her. So are you a wife or an older sister? I think she sees you more as a stepsister than a stepmother. In fact if some woman 6 yrs older thna me married my dad I would NOT think of her as my stepmother. Nor if my mother married a man 7 yrs older than me would he be my stepfather. Luckily they are appoaching their 51st wedding anniversary so no problem there! But you are so close to her age she prbably finds it hard to relate to the concept of her father being married to someone young enough to be her sister. Hence the lack of respect. And as your husband feels unable to point out the error in her ways she gets away with crap.

I would not pay for her phone. The problem is it is likely he is paying minimal money for the extra line on your contract. My OSS was paying his mother $5 a month to keep his phone on. Now when he got into trouble with the cops she STILL kept paying for the phone because it was more hassle to turn it off or suspend service. She SHOULD have cut that damned thing off the first time but didn't.
Can this be the first step in letting her free from her father?

Just like your husband, the BM here found having OSS around even in a dimished manner (constantly drunk and stoned)was better than not having him around at all. And so your husband at least knows where is daughter is. Can you see this logic?

So she is trying to get under your skin .... why not ask her "Your mother sounds awesome. When are you seeing her again?"
"I know, mothers are great."
And ignore the rest. Do you value her opinion about ANYTHING? So why let her opinion upset you?

Concentrate on your marriage. And there is always an apartment.

lioiiiipo's picture

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