PLEASE HELP ME MOMS
Hey everyone,
I am Victoria, I am 29 years old and a mom of 2 gorgeous little boys. I have an amazing husband names Sean who holds this family together like glue. We are a strong, funny, loving, caring family.
Let's jump right into my problem shall we? Long story short. I met Sean almost 5 years ago now, when i met him he was a single father taking care of his son "Milo" who at the time was only 12 months old. Milo's mother walked out of his life when he was 9 months old, moved away, got hooked on drugs, and never tried reaching out to him again. Nor did any of her family members. So when i met Sean and we fell in love, i also fell in love with his son. We were all so happy. At the time, Milo was calling everyone and everything mama. (Most kids that age do say mama a lot, its common for them to learn that word first that one or dada. Which is funny he learned mama because she was not around) So we tried teaching him to call me Tory, After awhile of trying. I was asked by Sean in the cutest most sincere way if i were to spend the rest of my life with him. Of course i had accepted. Than we decided, why not let Milo call me mama. After all i would be his mother. And i did accept gladly to accept him as my own. Now, 5 years later. (Milo is 5 years old) Milo only knows me as his mom, and he knows my family as his other side of his family. He has not one clue at all as to me not being his biological mother. Again, none of the biological mothers family ever had or ever does reach out. So again. To Milo i am his mother and my family is his family. My mom is his nanny, my father is his pop-pop and so on an so forth. All of my family has accepted him as our own, and all of Seans family has accepted me as Milos mother. When i take him to doctors i am listed as his mother, when he was in daycare i am listed as his mother, so on an so on. Now i have run into a dilemma. I know he is getting older. An as all you know kids are very smart for their age. I also had a child of my own with Sean his name is Gage. Milo is the best big brother and loves his little brother so much. But i been thinking a lot.. when would be the best age to tell him i am not his biological mother, and how would i go about telling him. What do i even say to him? I am so so so so scared to tell him because i do not want anything at all to change, and i do NOT want him thinking that i favor or love gage more. I balance out my time and love between the both of them right now very well. Neither one of them ever get jealous or anything of the other one. But i am so afraid Milo is going to think just because i birthed Gage, that I don't love Milo as much, which is far beyond the truth its not even funny. Milo i accepted and love as my own. Literally he is my everything. He is my son. I never ever tell anyone he is my step son or any of that sort, I always introduce him as mine.
What do i do?!? What age is a good age? How do i start it off and what do i say? Some one please help me I am scared out of my mind, and this has been dwelling and sitting on my chest for a few months now. I still believe he may still be a little to young for me to tell him right now. I don't believe he would understand to well. But maybe i could be wrong. That's why i am asking for your help please?
thank you for your time and patience and reading this. Please respond with your stories if you have been though this or are going through this now.
and tell me how you got through it.
Love you all and God bless everyone ...
#strongwomen #strongmothers #mothersunite
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Comments
You’re already late
This should have been a running narrative from the beginning. The days of "surprise! You're adopted!" ir whatever are so pre-80s. So you need to stop putting it off. He will feel more and more deceived the longer this goes on, especially if he finds out from someone else. Research ways to break the news (if you make it their life narrative from day one, you don't have to break anything) and give yourself a very short timeframe, by the end of this month would be doable and optimal. Your DH should probably tell the story. He grew in another woman's tummy, but she couldn't take care of him so Daddy did for a year until he found you and you started taking care of him too and that makes you his mommy. There are all kinds of ways people become families and this is one of them. He grew not under your heart, but in it. Be prepared for some fallout. He's going to feel lied to. You need to remain very connected and empathize with his anger, not shut it down.
You really need to terminate
You really need to terminate her rights and adopt him. If something happens to your DH you risk the chance of him being taken away as a worse case scenario. You will have to undergo a long legal thing to have an adotion go through without consenting parents if you can not find her. If you have one consenting bio-parent if makes it much easier, trust me I have been through it. Getting her to sign off on it makes if complete smooth sailing usually as well. FYI it costs money several thousand but is totally worth it.
I think when Milo was old enough to understand words it should have just been kinda part of the converstaions in your home to get him to understand. I know that DH family raised him from the beginning to know that his BM was not around. Now you are at a point where it can be harder so I agree with Iamwoman to have someone help you facilitate all this.
He still will not grasp it fully until he is much older trust me on that one. The other day DH, DS and I were all in the car and trrying to roll our tongues. I said it was genetic and DH can't and DS can. Well DS didn't even think of his BM half to be able to do this he only thought of his DH and DH's side of the family having the trait. I simply said of DS half of you genetics comes from you dad, there is a whole other half and it finally clicked. DH didn't want to point it out so it was up to me. Trust me as much as I hate bringing it up and pointing it out, it is my job and duty as his mother to help him understand things. It is a little stab to the heart when I have to point out that I am not his BM but it I know I am his mom.
This will never be a perfect easy road going forward for you. There will be comments and questions moving forward. In my opinion it is better to open and honest about everything. Milo will get to a point where he does wonder about her I am sure and wants to ask, he may not come to you but to a family member he trusts. Do not get upset be understanding and supportive when that happens. My cousin asked me one time about his bio-dad when he was older never asked anyone else but I was closer in age and he felt he could. I told his g-mom, my aunt and she told his mom.
All you can do is be a parent to them and provide them a secure and loving home.
I'm no lawyer or therapist
I'm no lawyer or therapist but i agree with the poster who recommended starting adoption proceedings. That will give you legal rights and prevent BM from being able to waltz back in and start f-ing things up. It would also give you a reason to talk about the issue in a matter-of-fact age appropriate way. I'm not sure on the counseling part for Milo. At age 5, i wonder if, by making it seem like a "big deal", he will think it is a big deal, vs slowly working it into a few conversations then letting it drop. I would recommend that you and your husband go to a counselor to talk about how to tell Milo and deal with the adoption stress. Milo can go if he needs to.
Tell him now
It's best to tell him now. I'm in the opposite situation. However, I've always told my daughter from two. Her dad is the man who chose her and raised and love her. However, her father is the man who made made her to be chosen.
It's better to be honest. My aunt found out she was adopted a tear before her wedding. Had a breakdown from the lies. She still saw her mother as her mother, nothing changed. She was just mad about the lies.
Like I said, some babies are born to be chosen by their real parents. Some babies are born to be raised by their birth parents. All the babies are wanted though and loved equally.
That's how I try to view it anyway.