Disengage

SD is 14. Recently moved to England with mom and step dad that's in the air force. Long story short mom spoke with daughter and made the decision to move without discussing with her dad. There is no custody order never has been. He was basically told it's what she wants. Mom always lets her do what she wants. She's missed weekends over the years to spend it with friends or birthday parties or her family. I've repeatedly told him to get an order but he just wouldn't do it. Biomom argues and her parents have a lot of money and we don't. I've been there since she was 4 and recently before she left for England she admitted she used to tell her mom terrible things about what I've said or done (which I didn't) so her moms always hated me. There was a time bio mom wasn't around much and I was there and she wanted me to be her mom. Well they signed papers before she left for England saying she would send her for the summer and pay for one ticket for her to come see us. Now SD is saying g she may not be spending the whole summer with us because she's going to a concert. She won't say when it is or anything. She's been distant since she left. And every time we do speak to her which is weekly she's with friends during the week and every weekend. Mom works two jobs and is never home. I've completely blocked her on all platforms because I can't do this anymore. I've left it all up to him and her. We used to have a great relationship with her until her mom married the military guy and started letting her do what she wants. She treats us so bad then says it's our fault for not reaching out when we do weekly. Says we don't make her feel welcome when every thing we do is focused around her. I don't know what to do. My husband doesn't know what to do. The more time she spends away the further she gets. He himself wants to completely disengage and just let her call him because half the time she won't answer for days. Never answers phone calls or FaceTime. I have a son 16 and we have a daughter together whose about to be 7. We aren't sure what to do because anything decision we make will directly affect our youngest. When do you just let it be? I've told him to continue to make efforts until she's 18. But she only cares for her moms family and mom has always allowed her to do what she wants. Her response has always been i"its what ever DD wants to do" it's her decision. Fighting now would be useless because SD can make a decision and we know she won't leave England because she has free range there. Moms never home according to her. Help please.

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So, you have a teen girl that

So, you have a teen girl that has move to an "exotic" location.. and is getting wrapped up in friends and life in a new and interesting foreign country.

I lived in Europe in my teens (dad also in the military).. and believe me, I was so involved in school and activities and exploring.. if I had had a parent.. back in the US.. it probably would have been hard pressed to get a lot of response.. I actually joke with my brother that i "left home" as a teen. (lived there.. but barely.. just to sleep.. haha).

I can see her other friends there planning exciting trips and things to take advantage of being in the UK.. I can see her wanting to participate. (my own perspective as a military kid.. I can understand her POV.. )

What I think is tough is that it means for her dad.. that she is less "there" and with time differences etc.. it makes it all the more difficult to keep in touch.

Has he thought of taking some time to go visit her there?

I don't think he needs to "disengage" .. in fact. he shouldn't disengage from his bio daughter.. he has an obligation to try to maintain a relationship with her.

Does that mean he has to chase her.. and hold her down to rigid schedules all the time? NO... what it may mean is that he continues to reflect interest in her as a person.. as his child.. and interest in her life. He doesn't get hurt feelings and want to punish her if she doesn't respond to his text or email immediately.. he just keeps a steady presence by contacting her.. and making her remember he cares.

As far as the summer break.. he should insist that they still have some sort of break.. but I get a teen girl feeling like it's the end of the world to leave her friends and life for months.. and that can coexist with her still loving her father.. but teens.. they are much more in line with their peers vs their parents..

I know it's tough.. and not ideal because she is adjusting to the separation... and I'm sure that hurts him.. and he misses her. I'm sure she misses her dad to an extent too.. but she is experiencing so much newness.. it probably is kind of pushed around. Kids don't worry about their parents loving them.. as much as they focus on their friends .. parents are taken for granted tbh..

I agree with all of this. ^^^

I agree with all of this. ^^^ I also left home for boarding school at a young age and I was happy as a clam. I learned life skills that I otherwise wouldn't have had.

If I were you I would count my blessings. How great not to have to deal with snotty teen SD in your home! Having her around more often is not going to make her behavior improve. She'll just make you miserable.

When YSD was a teen she wanted to go to boarding school. BM couldn't handle SD and was happy to be rid of her. DH and BM split the cost and sent her overseas. Oh glorious day! I was rid of her! It was wonderful. SD was happy, we were happy. When she returned here she resumed her regular terrible behavior and then she was off to college.

Your DH can keep in touch and let her know he's there for her but no need to force a teen into a custody schedule that she hates. I realize that BM is the ringmaster but so far everyone has gone along with it. No need to stir the embers at this point.

It’s a sad situation

It's sad because biomom encourages her. She's never wanted her to have a relationship with her dad. And the fact that he's tried all these years to keep a relationship and the harder he tries the further she gets. I don't feel she should be allowed to take time away from her dad either. Not for a concert anyways. And I know she's got opportunities. But I don't feel like she should be allowed to set her dad aside for those opportunities. She's never been taught the value of family and her mom allowing her to roam the streets with her friends every weekend and just ignore her dad and make plans on his time isn't showing her that. Because at the end of the day when he said he hadn't heard from her in over a week her only response was well you haven't called either. Well he had and it was seen on the call log. She chose to delete it so her mom couldn't see it. She's been doing this the last few years even before she moved. And we have plans to visit this year. But if she won't come see us this summer we didn't have plans to go because it's a lot of money for us. My husband got laid off after 20 years due to the company closing and is getting a new job. And that trips for the 4 of us is over $5,000 just for tickets and hotel. Nothing else included. She doesn't understand money because her moms family has money and it's easier for them. Even her mom knows that and still just makes comments like well you could come visit her. Well it's not financially that easy for some people. I'm working overtime at the hospital saving so we can do just that. But all she sees is her opportunities. Everyone does. Not her dad missing out on time, teaching her how to drive, prom, first date, first days of school, every holiday. We wouldn't want any opportunity to be taken away but her mom also doesn't see what he had to sacrifice for her to be able to do that.

A 14 year old is going to be

A 14 year old is going to be pretty self centered.. they don't understand things like household budgets. and they often begin to become more independent.

I would say that at 14, with a mother encouraging her to be independent from dad.. that it's going to be tough. She naturally would rather spend time with her friends vs "family".. and I'm not saying a "concert" is more important than seeing her father.. but asking a teen to leave her "life" for 3 months (or whatever the plan was). is a big ask... at that age.. that is an eternity..

And.. mom doesn't care that he is missing those things.. she doesn't. and honestly.. there is no way around any of that. because he allowed her to move to another country.. and yes.. I get it's expensive to travel there.. and it makes it tough to figure that out.

If she is 14 and he has not managed to get a CO by now. I might kind of say that he probably should have prioritized that earlier in her life. .at this point he has little leverage to do anything about it.

My main point I guess is that he should not disengage... I get he is disappointed he can't be more of a part of her life. but stepping back completely is a mistake... because he can still maintain a connection.. even if not in person.. and he can know he did the best he could. Maybe he should try contacting her via emails.. too? maybe do things like send her monthly "newsletters" about things going on at your place.. things everyone is up to? keep her in the loop on her family.. even if she doesn't think she cares now.. she may look back and see he did make some effort.

It sounds like he has always allowed BM to be primary parent.. so when she moved for her husband.. his daughter went too. I know it must be hard on him.. but he shouldnt punish his child for circumstances that he as a parent allowed to happen..

"She's never been taught the

"She's never been taught the value of family" There's your answer. She has never been taught the value of family. You are not the one who can change this. You didn't cause it and you can't fix it.

I agree here.. this is not OP

I agree here.. this is not OP's issue to resolve.

BUT.. it's not totally too late to keep trying to instill in his daughter that keeping in contact with family (him) is important. He should be modeling and reminding her it IS important.. and not disengage from his daughter despite the fact that she hasn't been super great at keeping up with him.

It sounds like she does respond.. at least some.. so it's not really appropriate for him to be cutting her off.

OP on the other hand? she is not obligated to push to keep up with the girl herself if she does not want to.

You unfortunately let thing slide

You know you should of gotten a CO. Spelling out visitations from day one. Not doing so you got yourself in this predicament.
'This is a good lesson for future SP. CO---following CO to the letter ---no missing visatatiins.
'sorry what you are going through

I told him that

I've told my husband he's shot himself in the foot with that. I begged years ago for him to get an order and his time would have never been missed out on. But he doesn't like to argue with her mom, grandparents have money. But I told him I wouldn't ask for more than every other weekend and rotating holidays and summers but he still refused. So that's on him. But it still hurts some of us that have been there since she was 4. And finding out she told her mom lies about me to get attention and such. The more time we spent together the worse things she said.

"And finding out she told her

"And finding out she told her mom lies about me to get attention and such. The more time we spent together the worse things she said."

It sucks for your DH, but for you as a SM, the current situation doesn't sound too bad! Don't try to overfunction for your DH or take on his emotional burden. He should try to keep in touch with her, just like he should have got a CO years ago, insisted on having her at your house regularly, and monitored and corrected her behavior. You telling him didn't make him do it. You stressing about this, now, probably won't make him do anything, either. Chill and enjoy the relative peace. You no longer have a SD at home lying to her mom to make you look bad....win!

You unfortunately let thing slide

You can disengage, but not Dad

He allowed her to move, did not listen to you about CO, so now things are more difficult.

You will really need to step back. Focus on YOUR bios. There isnt much YOU can do, but be supportive of your DH.

She ignores Dad, but then accuses him of ignoring her, meanwhile shes off in Europe living her best life of friends and concerts.

Just keep the door open, but dont revolve anything around her at this point.

Your SO has screwed this up so bad the kid is a write off.

Don't waste your time and peace of mind any longer. No CO, a long history of BM controllng everything, tolerating a minor child to be given authority over adults.

You and SO need to focus on living your best lives and put the baggage of both the XW and the kid in your past.

If SO really gave a shit about his kid, he would have gone for a CO on day one of the end of his relationship with her BM and kept them both on a very short leash instead of letting them treat him as their bitch as he has done for far to long.

Take care of you. Focus on your own family and do not let your SO fail you and your child as he has his 14yo.

Good luck.

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