You Made a Fine Point Auteur
I actuall just copied and pasted my repsonse to a thread that I was just reading. Autuer had made a comment about seeing things in the beginning of her relationship to GG but just plodding a long like an idiot and I am having a really rough day and could use some support so I desided to create my own thread with my repsonse.
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Auteur, you make a fine point. It's amazing how smart we think we are until we realize that we're complete idiots.
I have no idea what phase or state I'm in. FDH spends every waking moment with FSS(5) when he's around. I've gotten to the point that I just walk in the door from work and find something to do like laundry or picking up the house up. It beats the hell out of sitting in the living room watching daddy and golden child sit together and cuddle and giggle with each other.
We used to fight about this all the time. He always says, "you never come into the livingroom to spend time with me." Well Duh FDH. FSS is already in your lap. I've finally gotten to the point where I've just given up on the whole idea of FDH being able to balance being a prent and having a relationship. The funny thing is he's always complaining about how FSD(7) wants nothing to do with him and FSS does and that's why he spends more time with FSS. No FDH. FSD just gave up. Just like I did.
I keep thinking that by the time this kids out of the house I'm going to almost be 50 and that's when he turns 18. He may not leave. Scares the hell out me actually. FDH just expects me to wait my turn. I actually sent him a text earlier today asking him what he's going to do when FSS grows up and moves out? I already know the answer to that one. That's when I come into the picture. Yeah for me. I'll be all used up, wrinkly, saggy boobs, and old. I can't wait to start living my life with him at the point. It'll be awsome. (Sigh)
Oh and if he goes to college he'll probably be living with us still. Let's push moving out back another four years. Can't wait. Or he can just choose to hang out at home after that for how ever long and that's good too. The guilty daddy parenting can go on for forever. Sounds like the life I have always dreamed of. Married to myself while watching my husband treat his BS like he should be treating his wife.
I'm shocked that no one has made a movie about this crap. It would be the prefect romance movie for all of the guilty daddies. All of them would probably cry because of how beautiful the ending is when the kid never leaves.
If anyone can tell me what phase that is please don't hesitate to let me know.
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Comments
Unhappy, you are so not
Unhappy,
you are so not alone! what is it about dad's and their golden sons? My DH and I just started couples counseling about this same subject. I bring up the point that I can be a mom and a wife all the time. Why is it he can only be a dad when SS11 and SD9 come around? Did he all of a sudden forget how to be a husband? UGGH!
It helps to be on here and know that others feel my pain. People who arent in our shoes certainly know how to pass judgement!
Hang in there!
I'm trying to hang in there.
I'm trying to hang in there. I just always saw my future as something more. Something better then being second to a child. I'm glad that I'm not alone.
I just don't get it. Why be in a relationship with anybody if you've already found your soul mate? It's unfair to the other person involved.
I just feel really depressed right now. I'm supposed to be getting married in less then eight weeks but I'm not sure who I'm marrying if anybody. Lord knows FDH has already found his happiness so I'm pretty sure it's not him. He's already taken. Maybe it's to the piece of paper that we both have to sign.
I wonder how much of its a
I wonder how much of its a gender thing. DH all but neglects SD13 in favor of SS17, who even he says is a worthless lying stealing POS, but he can help him with the farm work. I tried to talk to him about his treatment of SD and he was like 'I dunno wtf to do with her, all she's interested in is talking about boys and playing with her hair' he kept asking me what he should do with her and I didn't really have a good answer. But that's his kid, he should figure it out. I cried when I found out the twins will girls, I know they'll get the same treatment unless he can turn them into tomboys.
He doesn't treat me like that, but I have learned to enjoy his hobbies, hunting, fishing etc. And while I enjoy them, he won't try any of my interests which kinda blows.
Sounds like you're getting cold feet, Unhappy. Other than the kid thing, is he what you want?
I really don't think it's
I really don't think it's cold feet. It's thinking about what things are like now and how they will stay the same in the future. Cold feet is more along the lines of what the future may bring. I just feel that I'm going to be all used up before I ever get to share our life together and if that's the case then why bother?
He's emotional needs are met by his son. His physical needs are met by me. He's good to go right? Where as my emotional needs are filled with work, cleaning the house, laundry, grocery shopping, taking care of my BD, and my dog. But these things only fill some much of the needs that I have. I can't talk to him about it because it's my fault. Can anyone tell me what the point of all this is?
Dear Unhappy, what you are
Dear Unhappy, what you are going through would be by now my life if I wouldn't have had my foot in the door.
SD was glued to her dad whenever she was here, he was having only eyes for her and I was given what was left over.She pushed herself physically and emotionally in the middle between us and got away with it so many times, since SO really didnt see it.I started resenting his daughter and feeling insecure and fearful when she was around.Sometimes I was trembling with anger when she got away again with playing out her princess card and got away with it.
But reading her and posting and knowing that nothing is wrong with how I feel plus reading step monster gave me a lot of strenghth to stand up for myself.I also realised that no matter how much I love SO I would NOT be prepared to be put second place next to his real "mini-wife".So I made it quite clear to SO that things have to change.I think I felt much more confident after reading other peoples sometimes so sad stories as I knew that I don't want to wait another 12 years to be finally happy.
Unhappy, waiting all those years is insanely long and sad, YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY NOW.
Gain all your strenghth and knowledge to make it really clear for SO that he NEEDS to put in changes now.
You are important enough for him to do that.And SS needs to learn a healthy balance in the family and that he is not the centre of the universe- it is not good for him.
I wish you luck and that you can stay firm.
It wouldn't matter if I made
It wouldn't matter if I made it clear or not. I've already tried. You see when he was with he crazy ex he was done long before the relationship ended. He focused on being completely involved with his kids. The thing is that has carried over into our relationship. He's doing the same things. Only I get the time after they are asleep as long as he can manage to stay awake. At least H
his ex never got that.
My issue is that it's not enough. He spent more one on one time with his son in the last three days, because he stayed home from work and his son is in preschool, then I would get in two to three months. Not just one on one time. But quality time. Sitting next to one another while we watch whatever program is not quality time to me. And yet if I brought it up to him he would tell me that he spends more time with me. That's not true. He only sees me more then he does his son.
I think my favorite excuse from him about this situation is that you don't know what it's like to only have your kid every other week. My repsonse is usually that he should be lucky that he gets them that much. I've been on this website for over a year and from what I have seen, most fathers only get their kids every other weekend. It's just another exuse for his failings at being a partner. Don't get me wrong he's a great father but what happens when they grow up and move on with their life? Who do you have at that point? I'm not willing to wait 13 plus years to have a life with the person I love. To me, it's a waiste of what little time I have on this planet.
How is it your fault that
How is it your fault that he's not filling that part of you? Or are you saying that he would say its your fault?
I don't see the point of continuing if you're already so unhappy, highly doubt it'll get much better. But there had to be some reason your relationship get this far, right? Is whatever it was important enough to keep you going? Sounds like you're living the single life without all the benefits of being single
To him it's my failt because
To him it's my failt because I should walk into the livingroom and drag him away from his son. Do you think that makes me look like the good guy to FSS? I'm guessing no. He doesn't and will not understand that this is all on him. I am not going to make enemies with his son because he can't set appropiate boundaries by himself and expects me to do it.
He has spent countless hours with his son, just the two of them in the last three days, and he expects me to tell him that he should spend time with me instead of cuddle with his son. Yes, I do walk into the house after work and find something to busy myself with, but that's how it is. He's been training me for the last two years. There's no point. If I bring it up it's, "you don't know what it's like to only have your kids every other week (guilty daddy syndrome)," or "why don't you make an effort." It's a lose lose situation for me. It's you don't know what it's like or it's your fault.
That sounds very tricky,
That sounds very tricky, Unhappy, if SO really does refuse to change, you have only two choices left- to accept it as it is and to try to find some peace in this or to leave.
I feel for you, your SO is an isiot to risk his rs .And yes you are right, he sees his son every second week , that is a lot of time he spends with him.It doesn't mean that he needs to overcoddle him - it is not healthy for his childs independence either.
This is extremely annoying ,
This is extremely annoying , all this spam!!!!!
I agree with the annoying
I agree with the annoying part.
I agree. In fact we just had
I agree. In fact we just had that conversation about his son being the center of the universe when his here. I tried to explaine to FDH that it's not going to be like that for him when he grows up and he is doing his son no favors in teaching him that.
I guess it is what it is. Can FDH change? I'm sure of it. Does he want to? I don't know. I am a firm beliver that when you enter a relationship that you should never expect someone to change. You should love them for who they are. But what kind of a relationship is this? I don't think it is one (watching him treat his son like he is his wife).
He's also asking me to change myself in regards to what I think and expect from and about a relationship. I am expected to put everything on hold, my hopes, dreams, and expectations, so that he can love his son. I think that there is room in his heart to love us all and I think that he does but his son takes priority over everything and everyone else.
Oh and this child couldn't be
Oh and this child couldn't be independent to save his life. It's daddy daddy daddy all day everyday that we have him. Drives me nuts and if I bring it up to FDH he'll just respond with, "I don't know why it bothers you so much." We can't step out into the garage to talk about our day because FSS is there knocking on the door with something he absoltely needs to tell daddy. And we can't have a conversation without being interupted, in which FDH will just stop the conversation and start talking to FSS. I don't think it even registers with FDH that his son just interupted us.
Grrrrrr, SD can do that, too,
Grrrrrr, SD can do that, too, she even follows him in the bathroom, so weird.To start with she is 7 and shouldnt watch her naked dad under the shower or on the toilet, so wrong.
Are you peeking in my windows
Are you peeking in my windows blogging about my life? Ha
While my situation is set up slightly different, my feelings mirror yours and i KNOW exactly where your coming from.
Do i wait for "my time" or even "our time"?
I say to fdh all the time, "i just want something to be left of "us" after the kids are gone."
FDH says that he fears i will get comfortable doing things separate and then when he finally does have "time" i wont want to spend it together.
I dunno. I just dunno. We have bd together and we both want to be together for her, (for us also) but she may end up being the glue that keeps us together.
My fear is the same as fdh said. After years of living separate lives, and only knowing that way, can we just pick up from there and start doing stuff together?
I have to be honest, if it wasnt for my bd, i would have one foot in the door. The other foot is because i really do love him.
So who knows for me, bd may be the reason we stay together, and eventually it may be our love that keeps us together.
BUT in the meantime, i promised myself i wasnt gonna just sit and wait. Gonna do my own thing. I wanna see a movie? Im goin. Im not gonna "wait" until WE can see it. I want to go camping? Im gonna pack bd up and go! Not going to wait.
Im not going to purposely exclude fdh, but im not going to wait either.
We either make the time for what we want, or we take the time to make excuses!
I love your response. I want
I love your response. I want to have a child with FDH because sometimes I feel that he/she will bring us closer. We'll have the glue that we need to keep us together. I also want to have a child with him because my ex was complete fuck (he was to busy getting high and drunk to care abouth anything else) and I want to share that with him. (I've never told anybody that.) He /She will be something that is completly ours. I feel that he/she would be the glue that unites us as a family.
Wishful thinking I know. Probably comes off as being pretty stupid. I just love him so much. I wish that he could do/feel the same.
Not stupid - that is what we
Not stupid - that is what we do as women. Just understand that having a child together NEVER works to unite a couple. EVER. So if you want a child, go ahead and have it but understand that this is the guy you will be chasing for child support a few years from now. NO judgment - believe me. Just the way it is.
I am not asking him to pick
I am not asking him to pick me over FSS or future FSS over me. I am just asking him to find a balance between both worlds. The thing is that he has to care enough to do it.
Yes, it is about a healthy
Yes, it is about a healthy balance and not infatuate a child to a spouse status and neglect the real partner and put her second.A child should stay a child, enjoying their childhood, being heard and seen and loved- but NOT the decision maker in the house.The adults should be the guides and decision makers in the family.The adult couple going strong with each other can give the child a sense of safety and a great role model for their own life.
What happened that in so many cases those roles are turned upside down and the whole word seems totally child centered???
Agreed, and understood. I too
Agreed, and understood. I too am not saying pick me pick me, but i dont think fdh is capable of balancing.
But i do see efforts. He tries. I guess that counts for something. Im sure my tune would be different if he didnt try once in a while.
I just don't understand. I
I just don't understand. I have a BD. But I don't allow her to rule everything about my world. I can manage to be mama and future wife at the same time. I have found my balance. That's what makes it so frustrating. It's pretty simple. Even if I had her every other week I would still make it a point to make things as simple/normal as possible. I wouldn't be a good parent if I lead her to believe that the world rotates around her.
I am sorry to say but having
I am sorry to say but having a child with this man will not be the glue that binds you. It is likely the thing that tears you apart. He will feel guilty for having another child and over compenste with his BS even more.
What he is doing is expecting you to do all the work in the relationship. You tell him when you want to spend time with him but he doesn't tell you. I find this very disingenuous and misleading. What happens to equal and a team? It really doesn't seem like this is happening.
I would not marry the guy. He will continue to overcompensate until he finds something to love more than his son. You really need to see a real change before committing yourslelf to him. Or you can keep an apartment for you and your daughter when he has his son for the week.
OK - truth time - second wife
OK - truth time - second wife to second wife. Totally depends on how much cash he has. If he is poor to moderate, by the time his kid moves out you will still have a chance. But if he has good money, when his son moves out and you are old and wrinkly and boobs tucked into your belt, he will find a new model. You have been a "nag" and "hated his kid" and "never supported his decisions" (anyone else want to add on here?) and you will have outlived your usefulness. KIck ass now or not at all. THIS is your time girl. If you want this man, make the house your own. If he won't comply, move on.