Surpise reward for good behavior or a known incentive?
If you've read any of my previous blogs you'll know that my SSD(7) has been making life hell. DH and I want to put posters up on her wall in her bedroom but due to her behavior towards me and my BD(7) DH wants her to earn them. You know, if you have a good week without any issues you get a poster for you room.
Here's the question. Do I tell her what the reward is for having a good week? Or do I just surpise her at the end of the week when she's been good? I know that with typical children an incentive would work. It gives them something to work towards like a goal.
I don't think that this will work with SD. I think if she knows that she's going to get something out of good behavior she'll only be good to get what she wants and then turn around when the incentive is gone and do whatever she wants.
I think by creating surpise rewards for long lasting good behavior it'll give her more of a drive to want to be good.
Opinions please?
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My SD is exactly the same.
My SD is exactly the same. She does just enough to get what she wants and then she gives us a big fat EFF YOU and goes back to being a jerk. We are in a constant state of trying to bribe and I am sick of it. Sometimes she is expected to just do what we ask without getting a "payment".
Let it be a surprise.
That's what I was thinking.
That's what I was thinking.
For my Skids, I tried the
For my Skids, I tried the "secret" surprise...they were good & excited about the prospect of what it could be for oh, about 3 minutes maybe? Then all incentives were forgotten & their behavior went to hell in a hand basket. They were 5 & 6 the first time I tried that trick.
For the last couple of years now, if I want to do something for them & they've been fine, I do it. If they haven't been good, it's a different story. Here's what I have found works GREAT!
Me: So...you've been a bit of a turd lately, haven't you...?
SD: Yes...
Me: Can you tell me what you've been doing that has made me & your dad unhappy?
SD: *Insert list of attitude infractions &/or rule breakage here* *Insert pouty face*
Me: Well, I was out at the store today & saw *** which I knew you'd just LOVE! But (insert concerned face/voice that also screams sadness & disappointment)...I don't reward turdy behavior do I?
SD: No...
Me: SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO I figured that I'd keep this RIGHT HERE (where she can SEE IT) & when you behave for XX time (depending on the item, sometimes I go with a week, other times 2 weeks to a month) then you can have it. What do you think? Can ya do it? I think you can!
SD: Oh yay!
Me: So what behavior are you going to work on?
SD: I need to not *Insert list of attitude infractions &/or rule breakage here*
Me: Yes ma'am! You've got this!
Sometimes, SS9 gets his stuff (mini figure lego people) stapled to the bulletin board with a note which reads "Hello SS9, we KNOW you CAN be good if you WANT to - maybe this well help? Give us ONE WEEK of GOOD SS9 & You get THIS lego man! YOU CAN DO IT!!!!"
I've had SD8 staring wistfully at a Monster High doll for what seemed like HOURS. If it's something they want badly enough that they are reminded about every time they walk by it, they'll do it.
Sorry it's so long...good luck!
I do have to say that I have
I do have to say that I have made a very big point of doing NOTHING nice for them if they are rude to me. I have told them that sometimes, it feels like they slap me and then expect nice things...I asked them how they would respond if someone was always ugly to them & they obviously said they would NOT do special things for them.
In the beginning, SD was hellacious...it has been a huge battle to get to where we are & for the most part, I don't have to bribe her AT ALL. I once told her that if her behavior continued, that I would take ALL of her nice clothes that I had just bought & replace them with plain jeans & t-shirts...I have had nearly ZERO attitude since then because she knows that I do not bluff.