I am at my freaking breaking point
I just don't know if I can do this. I am so frustrated. I can't stand my SD. She's evil. She get off on being a mean child to other people. DH just doesn't get it. He tries to make changes with her. And has had some very positive imporvements but our relationship has had to suffer because of her constant BS.
He thinks that I'm being negative all of the time. Really DH?!? I'm so sorry. I forgot how effing great my life is. I have to compete with a 7 year old for adult and wife status in the house. She's cruel to my BD(7) and could have drowned her last weekend because she decided to be a little sh!t and drag my BD under water with her when she knows she's not supposed to do it and my BD is not a strong swimmer just because she knew it would piss my BD off. When I spoke with her I asked her if she knew that someone can get hurt doing that or possibly die she said she knew that.
I am sick of it. This is my life. I dread every other week. I dread the next 10 years of my life because of this kid. I'm tiered of the looks that I get from her. Do you want to know what I got for mother's day from that rotten little child. A flower pot where she had painted a picture of her mommy, daddy, little brother and her. I especially like the story that she wrote of where her mommy dies then comes back to like and kicks the SM out of the house and everybody lived happily ever after. I enjoyed hearing it over and over again.
I enjoy the lies that she makes up about me. The constant tattling and trying to get DH and I to fight. The constant trying to drive a wedge in between DH and I. Does DH do anything. Not until I get to the point of where I'm just done with the whole effing thing.
So yay DH. I guess it's easier for you to happy and positive because nobody is treating you like a piece of sh!t whenever they can. I am so sick and tiered of her. I just wish she would go away. The only good thing about next week is her little ass is confined to her room for the entire week for what she did to my BD.
Need advise. How the hell do I deal with this?
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Comments
Any way to stretch that week
Any way to stretch that week to the next 10 years?!?
HA!!! I needed that laugh.
HA!!!
I needed that laugh. And nope. That would never happen.
I think it is because they
I think it is because they feel a bit too "safe" with us. They can't rail at the teacher, the daycare, or the SIL the way they can rail at us because we HAVE to forgive them right? They can act like kids with us because they have to be professional with other people. It blows but that is my theory!
I think you hit the nail on
I think you hit the nail on the head right there! Same with most kids, they vent at home because they know they will be loved unconditionally. It's when kids take it tooooooooo far, as most do these entitled days.
Here's the thing dtzyblnd. I
Here's the thing dtzyblnd. I wasn't really talking about his BD. A co-worker of mine told me that her 14 year old son came to her and told her that he had sex with a 13 year old girl and it freaked me out because my BD and SD will be 13 soon enough and DH told me that I was being negative. For me it's not being negative. It's thinking about the future and wanting to be prepared for it. But of course DH deosn't want to talk about it. He would rather just wait it out and see what happens and if it does well we'll just deal with it then. That's the typical DH approach in our household.
OMG that is MY DH. He wants
OMG that is MY DH. He wants us to smile and eat dinner when he gets home, watch a show, everyone skipping off to bed, and we can deal with any unpleasant crap after he is gone. He does not want to hear about ANYTHING like a god damned ostrich.
I know DSD better than him. I often predict things she is going to call and ask or try to sneak and do because I watch her, I monitor her, and I can just guess pretty easy. DH says aaawww naaawww she would NEVER do that. Then, surprise, she does it...and he then says oh well, she's just a kid, they do stuff like that. WTF yes, its true, they do stuff like that, and then they get consequences for it so the learn from it and don't keep doing it or taking the next step to do something worse!
What a prima donna! OK, this
What a prima donna!
OK, this is how you fix it. The next time she does something dangerous take her to one side and say "OK, you jump in the pool and I will hold you under the water because I am a better swimmer than you. Sounds like fun right? Let's go!" Sometimes we get too wordy and discuss things to the nth so the kid hopefully gets 'it'. She needs short sharp lessons.
Also she wants her parents back together into either what she remembers or how she would like it to be. So let her have at it. Let her have her father 24/7. Disengage and when she turns up remind DH that yippee, his daughter is now here and you an go off and do mother/daughter things with YOUR daughter. MAnicures. Buying school stuff.Going to the pool or theme park. Whatever gets you away from SD and only with your daughter. After a few hours you come home and don't even TALK about what you did.... "Stuff"... "Oh we went all over the place"... "No, I didn't buy you anything. You have your own mother for that."
DH is bound to get shitty about your 'hatred for my DD". But "honey, I am not her mother. She has her own mother. It isn't my job to mother her. I didn't give birth to her. You are her Dad and I am sure you LOVE spending 1:1 time with her."
Just change the game plan. You have already BEEN 7 and know the games these meangirls play. If she pushes your daughter and you see it, give her a shove back. Nothing that hurts her. You want her to be a little scared of you. This will keep her out of your(and DDs) way.
If she tells tales and lies about you. just deny it. So what if DH believes her. You and SD know the truth. "SM hit me with a stick!" "No I didn't. It is illegal to hit children with a stick. I don't want to go to jail." "But DADDY! She did!" "Really SD? Show daddy where the mark is? Honey, this is attention seeking. She may need to see a therapist. Anyway,DD and I are going swimming alone. If you decide to call the police you know where to find me."
You can beat her at her own game. Be firm but fair. And make her a little afraid of you.
oneoffour, There is no way in
oneoffour,
There is no way in hell that I would tell this child that hitting her with a stick would put me in jail or even mention the police. (Not saying that it's not good advise.) She's already lied to a cop and a CPS worker about her dad abusing her. That caused a three month investigation. If she knew she could do it to me, which I'm actually shocked she hasn't, she would in a heart beat.
I know you said make this child a little afraid of me but the truth is I'm scared of her and the things or extent she is will to go to. I've caught just a glimps of it already.
Ah, I get the stories mixed
Ah, I get the stories mixed up. So this is THIS little girl. Got it.
Then move on to the disengaging part then.
Quite frankly, I don't think
Quite frankly, I don't think it would matter that she's a proven liar. She can still say things and cause problems with the police and CPS. It's what extent she'll go to the next time.
I just don't know what to do. I had to speak with her mother about the swimming incident and she told me that when SD was either 2 or 3 she had to see a child behavior specialist because they were going to kick her out of daycare because of her behavior. She has always been like this. It's scary.
Does your DH know the extent
Does your DH know the extent of the abuse you have to deal with? Is it all just stories you tell him, or is it things he's seeing your SD do to you?
He says he just can't see it.
He says he just can't see it. Like when she blatantly lies about stuff that I saud right in front on the both of us. She doesn't even get in trouble for it.
Here's an example.
SD: Unhappy, can I have a bowl of cereal?
ME: Sure SD. Just let me finish unloading the dish washer.
DH makes his interest.
DH: BD would you like a bowl of cereal?
SD: Unhappy said that I can't have breakfast.
ME: I never said that. I asked you to wait until I was done putting the dishes away.
After that she gets her cereal doesn't get in trouble for lying and trying to get DH and I to fight and basically gets away it.
"Not true. I asked you to
"Not true. I asked you to wait a few minutes while I empty the dishwasher. So why don't you help me and we can get it done faster?"
Saying..."I never said that..." sounds defensive. Pointing out that what she is saying is not true makes it reflect back onto her. Trust me, learn a few lines to use to get your point across. It worked for me. When SSs would make out I was depriving them I would get VERY defensive. But then I realised I was DONE defending myself for doing nothing wrong. So I changed tack.
SS - Oneoffour said we can't use the xbox on the TV anymore cos she hates our games! (True but beside the point)
DH - Why can't they play a game? It is raining and they have nothing to do.
OOF - I want to watch my show. They have had the TV all morning. This is my turn. They have board games to play and books to read.
SS - But Dad, we were playing and nearly at the next level!
OOF - And you have had the TV for the last 8 hrs. This is my turn.
DH - Just let them finish their game.
OOF - OK, then I get the TV ALL of tomorrow and you miss your show in the evening. OK?
DH - Well that's not fair....
OOF - Bingo!
DH - Boys let OOF use the TV. Make yourselves some lunch....
oneoffour, when I say I
oneoffour, when I say I didn't do it it's not in a defensive tone. DH knows that I would never tell his kids that they can't have breakfast. My point is that nothing ever happens when she does that. So it continues.
Just the other day SD was in the pantry getting a fruit snack and she was opening a new box. DH was in the kitchen when this all went down. I walked over and told her that we already had a box open and to get one from that box. Did she listen no. So i walked into the pantry and took the box that she was trying to open away from her and reached up to the top shelf to get her on from the other box. Before I even had a chance to grab the stupid fruit snacks she storms out of the pantry into the kitchen and says in a loud mean voice, "fine I guess I can't have a fruit snack!!" I explained to her again that we already had an open box and I didn't want her opening the new box until that one was gone. Did DH do anything when she spoke to me like that? Did he jump in and say I have been here the whole time and Unhappy never said that? How about BD, if you're going to treat Unhappy that way after she was the one who bought the fruit snacks you can just go without? Nope. His excuse. I just didn't see it.
It's so frustrating. How can you not see it when it happens right in front of you? I just don't get it. And then he wonders why she treats me like crap. Duh DH. She gets away with it right in front of you. Why would she think it was wrong.
And that's not forget what happened last weekend. (SD always tells me my food tastes like dead fish. I have even gone to extent of telling her that DH made something letting her take a bite and then after she says that she likes it telling her that I actaully made it.) We were at DH's parent's house and I had baked a cake for the BBQ. SD ate about half of her cake and then her plate dropped on the floor. So as I'M on my hands and knees cleaning up his BD's mess so the dog foesn't get a hold of it he makes some stupid comment to SD right in front of everyone about how it must has tasted bad and that's why it ended up on the floor. That's great DH. Teach her that it's okay to disrespect me in front of your family. He didn't see anythign worng with his comment. He just doesn't get it.
So the problem is DH. Either
So the problem is DH.
Either he is being lazy or he is scared of his daughter. You both need to back each other up or things will fall apart. I tend to find my kindness gene takes a vacation for a few weeks. I won't talk to him. I won't touch him. HE asks why I am pissy. I tell him that pandering to his son's debt is making me angry. Hell, I wouldn't even cook for him if I were you. Tell him he is responsible for his daughter's food. What a moron.
I don't think that he's being
I don't think that he's being lazy or scared of his daughter. I actually believe his excuse of I just don't see it. She has treated him like crap, yelling at him, arguing with him, not listening to him, talking back to him, calling hhim names, for so long I think it's just become normal for him.
It's not that he hasn't made changes because he has. It's like as soon as we fix something with her or attempt to she just finds something else. She used to being in a position of power. She was given adult status for years. In her eyes it's her and DH at the head of the family and everybody else is below the two of them.
I use a digital voice
I use a digital voice recorder when I am in the room alone with either step. I am simply tired of them telling lies on me...DH would always ask me about it, and I would tell him exactly what happened. Of course, his brats would never lie... The last time he pulled that stunt, I called SS12 into the room and played back to convo. They didn't know I had the recorder and were a little pissed at me. I simply explained to DH that I was tired of the lies...
The thing is DH never
The thing is DH never believes the lies but there are no consequences for doing it and if he does happen to punish her is something that won't drive the point home like a 7 minute time out. Time outs have never worked with this kid ever.
I don't parent that way. I'll make sure that the punishment fits the crime and it's strong enough that it makes a point.
That would be great if it
That would be great if it would work. The thing is that she's smart. She knows why she's going. She knows why that person is talking to her. She puts on an act and they fall for it. I've already watched it happen.