My DH is not like this, thank god - I really don't understand these parents.  I get the urge to help their kid, I don't get that they can't see they are making it WORSE when they allow adult children to be dependent on them financially.

My parents always helped us with down payments, they paid for college, etc.  But this was done with the underlying expectation that we would be financially independent and stay that way, and all 4 of us are (my brother relies on his wife, but that's another story).  How can they not see that they need to push their kids to be adults?

The situation is tough for many people, but particularly tough for blended families.   I strongly recommend having a conversation BEFORE gettting married, moving in, or having an ours kid that covers:

1.  What are your FH's legal obligations for college, under either his court order or state law?

2.  Does FH think he should pay more than legally obligated?  If so, how much?

3.  How much does he have saved?  Is he counting on his ex to pay, is she legally obligated, and does she have money.  Is he counting on his parents to pay?  Is that realistic?

4.  And finally, do a budget, and see where that money will come from, or go with seperate finances. 

My parents were very, very poor so could never even meet all of my needs much less wants even when I was very young.  From the time I was 12 I babysat to pay for my clothes, club dues, etc.  That was the BEST motivator ever to get an education what would allow me to make good money.   When I graduated from college I borrowed money to rent my first apartment, but I had to pay it back with my first paycheck two weeks later.

It was also a very strong motivator to overachieve so I could get a full ride to college.  Yes - my parents lack of money made it easier to get financial aid - but there are merit (not need) scholarships at many, many schools.  And if that still doesn't work a student can work and take a class or two at a time.  I know lots of successful people who have done this. It takes time, but time is going to go by anyway.

I don't think it's horrible if a parent who has sufficient assets for their own needs (including retirement) assists a child with genuine needs.   According to an online  S&P $100 a month invested 18 years ago would not be over $50,000 today.