First time here...though I've read others' posts in the past. I'll try to keep this concise.

I have three skids SD18 (19 this month), SS17, SD15. The oldest SD has always been a monster...like, seriously disturbed. I don't know what she's like now as she quit coming for visitation as soon as she turned 18...going on almost a year without her coming over. It broke my husband's heart at first, but I felt nothing but joy and relief. I was tired of trying and tired of walking on eggshells in my own home. When she was here, she was like a little dark rain cloud...cruel to her siblings for no reason, sarcastic, rude, mean to her dad, mumbling all the time. She was actually polite to me...but only really spoke to me if I initiated conversation and even then she didn't offer much. It was exhausting, as I'm sure many of you know. In all of this, I am very proud of my behavior toward her. I was always kind, always upbeat...almost never snapped. I invited her to do things with me and the other two. She almost always turned me down, but I kept asking because DH was worried she'd feel "left out." I love to cook, and I made sure to cook their favorites. There was only one time I was even remotely short with her...it was after a long week in Hawaii...which she ruined at every turn with her attitude and complaints about being there. We were at Target to get some snacks for the plane before flying back and she just stood there in the aisle pointing at a bag of gummy bears and saying "Gummies. Gummies. Gummies" over and over. I very curtly told her to "ask like a grown up" and walked off. It made her cry...I felt terrible. But keep in mind that she was going on 16 when this happened. I have a 4-year-old niece who points and says "Candy!" or "Drink!" I don't snap at her but I do make her use complete sentences and say please before I'll give her anything. Anyway...last straw for me with oldest SD was when youngest SD got cancer at age 13. It ended up being a minor cancer that was basically benign. It was cancer but the lowest-grade, least aggressive form and just one highly distinct tumor near the skin. They were able to cut it out with no chemo and she's been Cancer-free for two years this month. Still...for about a month and a half we were all terrified. Didn't know what was going to happen...were preparing for at least a year of chemo, which was the oncology team's initial recommendation. Through all of it oldest SD was horrific. Started cutting herself. Refused to hug youngest SD when she came out of surgery...youngest SD asked 3 times and she just stood there shaking her head. I think that's when I gave up on her, officially.

I could go on and on. For some reason, oldest SD has always been the protected child...by both BM and my DH. He feels extreme guilt about her. Often says that he abandoned her. Keep in mind that we, on purpose, live about five minutes from the kids. We've given them cars...they're mobile. They can come see us as often as they want...and the younger two do drop by fairly often in addition to their visitation. Oldest SD started making it clear very early on that she didn't want to be at our house. I think it's because we had rules and expectations while BM acts like a maidservant to her kids. When we first married, for example, BM would show up several times each weekend to bring the kids things they'd forgotten...until I put a stop to it. I think teenagers should be able to pack without forgetting five things...and should be able to go a weekend without their mom. But these kids have always been coddled...especially oldest SD. BM says that she just has anxiety and "likes things a certain way." I'm thinking...yeah...we all like to have things our way. It's called being narcissistic and selfish.

So...flash-forward to now and to my real question. We're going on a year without oldest SD coming over, and it's been wonderful. In fact, once she quit coming over, she did start reaching out to her dad after about 6 months of almost no contact. They'll go to lunch or to a show sometimes. He's quit paying CS for her but helps her directly with college expenses. I feel like we've mercifully transitioned into a relationship that works for everyone...and I'm happy for the two of them to have a more grown-up relationship together, even if I'm not a part of it. I was beginning to think we will finally have some peace and harmony...but then...

Youngest SD (15) has started to feel incredibly intrusive. She calls her dad BAE (teen slang for your boyfriend or "bestie" from what I understand). She is completely clingy when she's here...often curling up next to him on the couch...walking with him when we go out or to a movie. I'm starting to feel like a third wheel here. Worst of all...she texts him constantly. Like...dozens of texts a day. This week...on Monday we went out for a date night, which we try to do after a kid weekend, and he was texting SD15 the whole time. Then, this morning we were cuddling in bed...he leaves for a week today...and he started getting texts from her at 6:30 AM. It's like she knew somehow. I'm frustrated because I've always had a great relationship with SD15...but this is really starting to bother me. I haven't said anything...what would you do? I included the above so you could understand that oldest SD's behavior might have contributed to this...is youngest trying to compensate for oldest's rejection? But it's gotten to a weird level. I was incredibly close to my dad...but not like this.

HELP!