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I Can't Do It.

TwoOfUs's picture

Submitted by TwoOfUs on Fri, 04/28/2017 - 4:44pm

I don't know. I don't think I can do it anymore.

It's kind of sad because the youngest SD is almost 17...so, in a sense, it feels like we've almost "made it" through the skid years. But today she came over after school with a friend without warning, and I practically wanted to punch something or vomit. She was here Tuesday - this morning for regular visitation, but usually goes home after school on Friday. Today, though, she has a play, so she and her friend just decided to come to our house until they had to go back to school because it's closer. It was about 2:30 when they arrived...DH and I are both working from home. They're loud, TV is loud. It really just turned my stomach.

Went out with SS for his bday this morning and are going to YSD's play tonight...after nearly a full week of her being here. Then, tomorrow, we're meeting with OSD to look over some paperwork and discuss an insurance problem she's having. Then Sunday morning we are going to breakfast with DH's parents for SS's bday.

I just don't know. I think I've reached my limit. I am mostly disengaged...and they're not here that much...just recently it's been a lot. But there are ALWAYS going to be times like this...and then gskids will start showing up. If I weren't married to DH, I'd be spending a lot more time with my family. Instead, it's all skids, all the time....it feels like.

Am I stupid to run off a year before the last one ages out of CS and visitation? Or am I saving myself from years of adults skids and gskids...? Is there anyone else out there who quit right on the threshold of skids becoming adults? After weathering the pre-teen and teen years?

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TwoOfUs's picture

Submitted by TwoOfUs on Fri, 04/28/2017 - 4:52pm

I should add. Quick disengagement victory story. Today is SS's 19th bday. DH got him a book and a couple items of clothing...like some socks and a cool T-shirt. When I was out this morning, I *almost* swung through somewhere to get a $50 or $100 gift card to add to the present. And then I stopped myself. NO MORE. No more...my contribution has been enough.

robin333's picture

Submitted by robin333 on Fri, 04/28/2017 - 5:04pm

Congratulations on not getting a gift. It sounds like you have done so much for skids and are a caring person.

We have similar work environments and I hate any unannounced visitors. Is it possible that you're stressed already and SD coming by is the straw? Why should you have to work in a noise for SD's convenience?

It sounds like you miss your family and are resentful of all the time and energy spent on skids. Can you visit with family instead of feeling obligated to skid activities/ visitation?

almost_step_mom_again's picture

Submitted by almost_step_mom... on Fri, 04/28/2017 - 7:53pm

I have been there. I left 3 months before the youngest left for college but after 3ish years of waiting for that day I came to despise my husband in such a way there was no turning back. No regrets for me. I heard his oldest daughter (age 22 now) is still living at home and the youngest is on her last year of college in another state and will likely be back since she too has never had to do anything for herself.

I wish you well either way!

moeilijk's picture

Submitted by moeilijk on Sat, 04/29/2017 - 6:42am

I think the big issue, from what I read, is that you feel powerless to enforce your boundaries.

Most of what you describe is average behaviour... from your own kids. But these aren't.

What if you could go downstairs and tell YSD, "Hey, I'm working from home so that means the house needs to be quiet. You guys can watch tv but the volume stays no higher than xyz, or you can head outside or play something quiet inside."?

What if you could say, "Happy Birthday SS." And not go to breakfast?

What if you could tell YSD to break a leg and not go to her play?

I mean... it's your life, and not your family (the way you would have it if you had more control). So why so many daily sacrifices?

TwoOfUs's picture

Submitted by TwoOfUs on Sat, 04/29/2017 - 10:14am

I don't know. I feel like a jerk now.

SD was on this high from her play last night (it was awful...but I know it feels good to be part of something like that) and I kind of shrugged her off in the lobby when she came running up to me all excited. When DH and I got home, I noticed these gorgeous flowers on my dining room table - really my style with lots of bright greens, oranges, and purples. Turns out SD got them on opening night and thought I'd like them, so she trimmed them up and set them on the table for me when I was hiding in my room from her and her friend yesterday.

Gah. Honestly, these kids respect me...they like me. They do things for me. If it weren't for the money issues and the fact that I don't have kids of my own, I am sure I'd be fine with them.

This is totally heartbreaking that I just can't seem to like them anymore.

TwoOfUs's picture

Submitted by TwoOfUs on Sat, 04/29/2017 - 12:17pm

Thanks for this...it helps a lot. I think gskids are looming large in my mind as well. Maybe I'm borrowing trouble and I'll like them just fine...but there's at least a piece of me that doesn't want to bet on that...that's worried I'll be bitter and resentful.

My DH has gotten better about the finances, though I still provide more. And now he's pretty good about enforcing boundaries and being a good dad to the skids (i.e. a TRULY good dad who makes his kids do things for themselves and figure things out. He used to baby them a bunch and be a Disney Dad, but that stopped as they got older and he was seeing the effects. He's not perfect, obviously, but he's helped to raise some fairly empathetic, respectful young adults, on the whole.)

I think the last few weeks have been unusually skid-heavy, and I've been under a lot of stress at work...so maybe I'm just worn down.