Confused
My DH is confused about what to do next. He wants his children with him but he wants them happy. Right now they are in another state with an adult cousin they barely know. Pretty sure she's keeping them for the money their mom is paying. I told him to hurry up and make a decision before things get out of hand. I have a feeling that the cousin isn't going to make things easy for him either. We have a feeling the ex took them across country to be spiteful. My DH is happy and has moved on and has finally picked up the pieces to his life. I bet she can't stand this. She knows this is the only thing that ticks him off. Not being able to see his children. I would love to put the smack down on her. I truly believe she has turned his kids against us. Any suggestions on next steps? What should he do? He wants the kids to be happy and not resent him but if he steps back I have a feeling they'll do it anyway. I think he should go there and get his own kids but I have a feeling that this is the beginning to a huge mess. I wish there was a CO spelling out visitation. Now if he tries to get one it's going to be a huge battle. I tried to warn him about his ex but at the time but he wouldn't here it. She was 'doing her best' to raise them. Even when she was running from pillar to post. Even when she was being evicted. Even though she was told that the kids would be best with us. I can't believe it. They're not even with her and she's pulling this crap again.
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Every decent parent wants
Every decent parent wants their children to be happy. The thing is, what makes them happy in the moment doesn't help them feel truely happy in life. Sometimes the responsibility falls on the parent to make a choice that may not be what the children want in the moment, but that is in their best interest for their futures.
Who can provide real parenting, rather that friending? Who won't be afraid to provide discipline when it's necessary? Who will be strong enough to parent without alienating? Who can/will teach them life-skills & responsibility? Who will encourage them to become independent? Who will take the time to go over homework with them? Who will encourage & support their relationships with both parents & family members?
How did they end up living with this cousin? Is there some reason they are there instead of with their parents?
Mazzy is right in that your DH needs a court order. Without that, he has nothing.
His first step is to determine what is best for his children. The next step is to take that to his lawyer & get a court order.
The ended up there because
The ended up there because the BM wanted to visit her family whom she hadn't seen in awhile.. we now know this was a set up. Well she went down South for a 'funeral' and left them with her cousin. She went on deployment. They are there because the youngest said I didn't make her feel 'welcomed'. This child was a nightmare. The other 2 want to come but the youngest is pulling the strings. The 2 skids don't want to leave without the youngest skid. SS14 wants to be there to protect his sisters. I commend him for this. The middle SD12 is indifferent.
As I told my DH, you don't have to like me but I will be respected. I don't tolerate disrespect from my 2 Bios so I can not let the skids cross that line.
Reading these blogs has helped me understand that skids have soooo much emotional baggage. She didn't like me (mostly because of the inappropriate conversations BM had about me in their presence, because I interrupted their fantasy of their dad and BM getting back together and our family is a constant reminder of the what she may feel she should have had with her mom.
Your DH has a decision to
Your DH has a decision to make. He needs to decide what would be best for his children. NOT what they want him to do, but what will give them what they need in order to thrive as truly happy, responsible, respectful, respectable, independent adults.
Stepkids do carry emotional baggage. We ALL do, & it's so important that we do NOT teach them that it's acceptable to use that as an excuse or a crutch for becoming anything less than we are capable of becoming. As stepparents, we can make an effort to understand what they're dealing with, & we can use that understanding to help them overcome the challenges they face...as we would with our own bio-children & helping them overcome their challenges.
Certainly they would prefer their family to be intact, but it isn't going to happen. The best way to help them accept things as they are is for you & your DH to be united. Let them see your dedication & support to one another. Let them see how strong the two of you are together & that will help.