My parents have been devorced for more that 18 yrs and I still feel like I have to pick sides
I am 29 years old and have a son of my own now. My parents are divorced and both are remarried. When I was still a minor and had visitation I was not a big fan of my father. But over the years I have realized that I probably was hard to get along with myself. Though I will NEVER have the relationship I have with my mom these past few years I have kinda forgave how my father acted and have started seeing my father more and more. Especially since I do have his grandson!
My mother CANNOT stand the fact that these past few year I have kinda forgave my dad. Each time she finds out that I went over there or about to do something with him she calls me and tells me how hurt she is that me and my father are talking and hanging out. She really talks to me pretty bad.
This weekend my father has invited my brother and me and my grandson to a work picnic and my brother told my mom today we were going. Well, she tuns around and calls me and starts putting me on a guilt trip. She seems to forget that my grandson and me spent the last three weekends with her.
I am just tired of being her whipping post. She did not say a freaking word to my brother and yet turns around and calls me and begins to tell me how hurt she is and why are we doing this to her...she is the one that raised us...where was my father when we needed stuff. Ugggg on and on and on.
I dont know what to do anymore. I am tired of being treated this way and I have told her and told her and she keeps on doing it to me. But, when I tell her to stop then she plays the poor pityful me game. I think this is a lost cause.
What do ya'll think I should do or react when she does this to me.
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It is time to set boundaries
It is time to set boundaries with your mom. What she is doing is unfair to you. The divorce between your dad and her was exactly that, between her and him. Acknowledge to her that you know it was not easy for her, that she did most of the working raising you, is important.
But you must move forward. Hanging on to someone's offenses only hurts the person doing the hanging on. Your dad made mistakes but he still is your father. None of this had anything to do with your son. He should not miss the opportunity to have his grandfather in his life. We all grow and change hopefully for the best. Sounds like your dad has grown.
I had to set some very firm boundaries with my own mother. I told her how I felt and what the expectations were going to be. I told her if she couldn't respect them I wouldn't be able to talk to her. It took a couple of times of me saying mom I told you I was not going to discuss this with you and if you continue, I will be hanging up.
I did have to enforce this a couple of times by saying mom I told you I was not discussing this I am hanging up now. Good bye. It has been almost 3 yrs and after about 6 months she got the point,
I do mean what I say.
Setting healthy boundaries for anyone in your life is important. Hanging onto past hurts is not healthy. You obviously do not want to live in the past and you want what is best your son. I congratulate you. It is not easy to let go. Especially when you have someone who wants you to bare their anger and resentments and haven't' healed from the past themselves.
your grandson?? i've been
your grandson?? i've been doing the math and i'm baffled...
however, i, too amd a product of divorce and have always had a pretty decent relationship with both parents...for a while in my adult years, my mom would develop a huge pissy attitude if i were doing something with my dad.... or she would say something like "since you spent two days with you dad, now you have to do this with me for at least 2 days". i'm like "WTF?" but now, my mom bites her tongue when she hears i am doing something with my dad.... i clearly see her & do more with her, but she just hates when i spend a w/e with my dad and not her ~ my wedding ~ oh my...... my stepdad and my father have no problem being in the same place, sure it's not idea, but they managed very well... my mom fucking hated it!
sorry, no solution, but i know how you feel. try telling her if all you're going to get is a guilt trip from her for seeing your dad, maybe you shouldn't talk/share/see her as much, worked for me.
"your grandson?? i've been
"your grandson?? i've been doing the math and i'm baffled..." I think she meant my SON. I have a hard time keeping my thoughts straight when I am writing here too.
My parents divorced when I was 13. It was very high conflict. My parents BOTH (even to this day) can't keep their mouths shut and not say mean things about each other, and it has been 20 years since they divorced. I have learned to just say "hey, that is my MOM/DAD you are talking about there, I don't want to hear it". And either walk away or change the subject.