This is pretty much the only place I can talk freely about my depression/anxiety because there seems to be others in the same place as me.

If I don't feel sad, I feel ambivalent. I just don't care about anything anymore. DH has been gone for a month for Army training states away. I miss him. I haven't seen SD in a month (Thank god) which has made me feel slightly better. A part of me still misses her though. I know logically there is nothing I can do to help her, so I shouldn't worry about her. So I just shouldn't care. If she's here I am miserable with anxiety, but if she's not here the anxiety is still here. And then I feel more anxiety for her not being here. It's cyclic.

I'm having these huge doubts about my life/career. I dreamed about one of my ex boyfriends from years ago twice this week. I know this stems from me thinking the grass is always greener, but there's a huge, "What if I hadn't gotten involved in being blended" notion in the back of my head. I don't want to abandon ship. I don't like the fact I'm searching subconsciously for life rafts. But I feel my life sinking around me. The ambivalence I created towards SD has seeped into other places of my life. My 7 month old daughter is teething and I look at her like I don't know what to do to make her happy, or even if she will be happy. I don't want her to grow up and be sad like I am.

I talked to my counselor and she said the anti-anxiety meds I went on three weeks ago were very low doses so next time I go and see my doctor I need to tell him it isn't working (another 2 weeks). I dread drill (which I once loved going), I dread going to classes, I dread leaving the house (even though I hate being pent up). I just want to stay in and do absolutely nothing.

Is this it? Is this my life? Being tied to these crazy people and crazy situations for the next 9 years, and then deal with the shit problems adult step kids cause? Will they ever get better? I don't see them getting better. The situation is so toxic I block it out, but then block everyone and everything else out too.