Here's to my SS11 his majesty
I need to figure out what my ss11 is doing so well that he doesn't have any chores on the weekends when he's here; so that I can do the same thing and not have chores either. Geez. Two Fridays ago when he was here, I asked him to unload what he could/knew from the dishwasher (no big deal right?) Well then instead my husband gets up and starts unloading it for him. I asked him what he was doing. He said he doesn't feel that his son should have to do much when he's here since he didn't contribute to the dirty dishes or make any of the messes. WOW, really? I said "well didn't think it was a big deal cause to me, 5 minutes unloading the dishwasher is better than 5 more minutes playing video games." [Which is all he does when he's here btw. And he's sedatary and severely overweight.] So right then and there I figured out how it was gonna be. Can't believe this b.s. smh. My SS11 does nothing at his mom's, or his granny's, or even here....wow, amazing. I need to learn his trick.
So I asked my husband "he's doesn't have to do any chores whatsoever?" He said no, but that he will when he's here longer (i.e. spring break, summer, holidays, etc.) Husband doesn't feel he should have to do much on his 2 days here so that he can start liking being here more, be free to enjoy his time here, and he doesn't want his son to feel like he's always having to "work" when he's here on the weekends.
So this weekend, SS11 is here again. I had my son do chores, no issues. So then not to upset my husband again, I then had to "ask" my husband if I could "ask" my ss11 to do a few chores too around the house today (since my back is out, I'm barely moving). Remind me again, who is the adult here?? Obviously not me. I didn't want to "push any issues" today cause I am down for the count and don't feel good or feel like arguing.
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And how exactly does your DH
And how exactly does your DH expect his son to grow up and know how to care for a house, wash the dishes, do his laundry, and interact as a functioning member of a shared living space?
My DH was the same way, UNTIL I pointed out that this would come back and bite SS in the rear end when he was the worlds worst dorm mate, the worlds worst room mate, and the worlds worst boyfriend. THEN he realized that the "favors" he was granting were really disabilities.
SO WHAT if he's not there 24/7. He is still a member of the family and must contribute something just like everyone else. After all, you don't want him to feel REJECTED, right?
But what amount is fair is
But what amount is fair is the real question.
A kid who is there 24/7 should do the dishes every other day but a kid who is there 4 days a month should do them 100% of the time he is there? That hardly seems fair.
I can agree to a point with
I can agree to a point with Dad's view. To me, it's the timing. The kid isn't the maid and if kid had no part of the dishes/mess, wait. Surely he does eat and dirty dishes before the weekend is over.
Perhaps kid should have chores on Sunday morning. The dishwasher loaded Saturday evening, run, emptied Sunday morning. Sweep kitchen floor, maybe run vacuum too and carry out trash. Husband couldn't say kid didn't contribute to the chore needing done by that time. The kid has to learn these type of task. 30 minutes of 'work' isn't much and is a normal part of being part of a household.
Any arguments, disconnect the video game.
That makes sense, in theory,
That makes sense, in theory, if it'd only work. They always leave Sunday between 12-3 to get him back to his mom in another city 2.5 hours away. SS dirties plenty - laundry, dirty dishes, dirty cups, dirty room, dirty in bathroom, leaves messes on countertops, etc., so I fail to see my husband's logic. It's ok for that to happen and me clean it up, I don't think so!
I bring up that when my son comes back from his dad's, that he still has chores, but maybe he shouldn't cause he didn't contribute to any messes, etc. Husband says that's different. He lives here all the time.
SMH, I'll never win.
Don't clean up your SS's
Don't clean up your SS's messes. If that's how your DH wants to play it, he can do all the cleaning after his kid. If my DH told me not to ask his kids to do chores I'd do nothing for them. Nada. Zip.
Sad to say that I'm there.
Sad to say that I'm there. He was here this weekend, I barely said hi to him cause he was in his room all weekend playing games. Which is ok by me, less stress and anxiety.
I totally agree. I've
I totally agree. I've pointed out he's 11 and knows nothing. But guess that's on him, the bio mom, granny, and the kid? Shame on them. Husband wants to get custody of SS11 cause it would be better for him overall, his health, activities, etc. I pointed out if we get custody will he still be exempt. He said no. that he would do work then. He just feels he wants ss to like me and like being here, so no chores = liking being here = more that he'll want to come stay with us. Uhmmm.....ok, that makes total sense.
I guess I wonder how many
I guess I wonder how many chores are fair. You, DH and your bio get two weeks to mess up the kitchen, dirty the dishes, dirty the house (not saying your house is dirty just that is how it works out) and then SS comes in for 2 days and he should pick up after you. That doesn't seem fair to me.
Not saying he shouldn't be responsible for himself. Pick up his own dishes, clean his own room, but helping with the house that he did not dirty for two weeks seems unfair.
Note: I am assuming he comes over every other weekend, that could not be the case and in a 50/50 I think my answer would be different.
Yes every other weekend. But
Yes every other weekend. But my thinking is, is he not part of the family? Can he not help me (the adult) out when I ask cause I am doing other things. I don't expect to clean the entire house. But when I'm stressing and we have guests coming over the next day, I'd think I could ask for "all hands on deck". And when I do ask, it's little simple things cause he is only 11. My son is 16 and does way more to help out when I need it, and that day was especially crazy. But then again, I could be wrong by expecting too much help from the kids, who are able bodies, young, and just sitting around on their butts. Just frustrated and venting. No offense.
You're the adult, and you
You're the adult, and you should definitely be able to ask any member of your household for help if you need it. I wasn't suggesting you were being unfair but more thinking about what is fair.
If a kid gets 48 hours including sleep time with his NCP is asking him to do 2 hours of chores too much ? Is asking 15 minutes not enough. And I guess if your husband doesn't want his son contributing a fair amount (whatever that is) then he should pick up the slack not your son.
True
True
Could you explain it to your
Could you explain it to your hisband this way? Cause you sound really eloquent and like you have the kids best interests at heart in this post (even if you don't exactly have them)
Say to husband
I am really glad you are trying to open space for me and stepson to like each other. But for him to be part of family he needs to be able to work in a team with us. If we have people coming over or I am injured or I just need a bit of extra help then it is surely reasonable to ask him to do a bit and help out- after all then it won't be such a big change if he comes to live here more and is expected to do more
I think 20-30 mins on Sunday morning- load a washing machine/clean his room/clear breakfast table would be acceptable- or for him to chip in more in a stressful situation ie guests coming and he polishes/vacuums/ whatever to help out
The other option is just to disengage now. Have your son do his chores and raise him right. Leave your stepson to your husband. If stepson makes a mess, leave it for husband to clean or call your husband and tell him to clean You don't do stepson laundry that's for husband to do. If you stepson plays video games all day, that's nothing to do with you. You cook one dinner and have enough for all, you don't take him anywhere or do anything with him
After all if he isn't family enough to help out why should he reap the other benefits ?
The latter sounds about right
The latter sounds about right and am doing that now, or trying to. Do you know how hard it is for a mom to sit back and keep her mouth shut when it comes to SS unhealthy decisions? It's like I'm condoning it if I stay silent. But sadly me realizing to keep my mouth shut, disengage with him, and shut him out is less stressful on me, healthier mentally if that makes sense. And no arguing with DH re SS.
And I'm a stay-at-home
And I'm a stay-at-home mom/wife, so the house is always pretty much kept up and clean. That day, when my husband got up to unload stuff he could from the dishwasher, I said "babe, I asked SS if he could do that", then that's what he said regarding SS having to do nothing. Mind you, it was only the silverware and other things he knows where they go and can put up himself.
So I guess in the future, with any event, I won't ask SS to do anything and suck it up and do it all myself or ask only my son to help. Seems like it's a "dad/son" v. "mom/son" when ss is over.
I would ask any overnight
I would ask any overnight visitor to my home who has been sharing meals with me to empty the dishwasher unless they were too old or too young to help. Or to set the table. Or maybe to help chop or stir something. I don't think that is at all the same thing as asking someone to mop and wax (does any one do that any more?) the kitchen floor.
But If you want to extend the "they are only a visitor" analogy I don't offer to do the laundry of any guest in my home. They are welcome to use my iron, but I do not iron their clothes.
Expecting any visitor to provide cleaning lady services is way over the top - but to help with simple everyday chores - of course. Things that get done everyday are to be shared by who is there that day - in an age appropriate manner.
Amen. I was going to
Amen. I was going to say...I've never had an overnight guest, or dinner guest for that matter, NOT offer to pitch in to get dinner on the table and then cleared away again.
My EOWE SD has ALWAYS offered to help me cook and both skids clear their places and help put food and dishes away after a meal. It feels like a community effort, and they enjoy the ritual, I think. We have dinner guests over a lot on the weekends, and a lot of the action takes place in the kitchen and the dining room...they don't want to miss out because they won't lift a dish. They are 15 and 17 now, but they've been doing this since I first met their dad when they were 8 and 10. SD actually really enjoys our kitchen time and learning about managing a house...and now they've both got good part-time jobs, cover a lot of their personal expenses, and are doing well in school.
They also both have chore lists that my DH prints out for them. It's not excessive...usually five or so chores that they can do in an hour or less. They can do the chores whenever they like throughout the weekend. And, yes, it is "fair" -- my SD doesn't drive yet, so, this weekend, for example, my DH spent at least an hour of his time driving her to work and back and to a party and back. We helped her get a present for the party, we picked up her friend for the party. We do laundry for both skids...they both take ridiculously long showers every day...so I feel not even the slightest twinge of guilt if they have an hour of chores each. I've certainly spent more than an hour of my time on each of them this weekend.
But it's not really about what's fair and what's not fair, anyway. It's about teaching kids life skills. As my mom always used to say when we whined about chores...about being her "servant" (how bratty of us!): "Oh, please. I'm not 'using' you to get my chores done. I'm using the chores to get you done." And that is true. Even at these ages...there's not a single chore on that list that I couldn't do faster and better than my skids. But kids need work, boundaries...responsibility.
Ironically, it's the OSD...the one who never had any chores and who my husband walked on eggshells around and bent over backwards trying to please, entertain, appease, make happy on our weekends...who quit coming over the second she turned 18 and never looked back. The other two love it here and look forward to our time together. So...here's hoping your DH's spinelessness doesn't backfire on him like it did for my DH.
I like this post. Thanks. I
I like this post. Thanks. I agree, all the "chores" or whatever is teaching them and/or helping them become functioning members of society. In the long run it's to help them. At least that's how I see it. Really would hate to see how SS does in the real world if someone asks him for help and dad isn't there to do it for him, just saying. All I know that as a kid, if any adult asked me to do something or help, I did it, no matter what.
Thanks.
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Agree. My husband always use
Agree. My husband always use to emphasize "equal treatment", but that doesn't happen when SS is here. I try to equally separate chores or things I need help with. Find it sad that my older bio son sees him doing "nothing" while he's doing everything else I need help with. But like y'all said. Worry about my son, raise him right and he'll be a better adult for it.
I think dad should have said,
I think dad should have said, "hey kid, let's do this together".
I find that presentation has a lot to do with how a kid feels about "chores". If I say, "hey DD, come here and help me chop this zucchini and tell me about your day..." that's way mor effective than "clear the table".
Perhaps tell dad that he needs to engage this kid into doing things beyond the video games. Together time with parents, in the real world, involves working together, not just playing together.
I mean, does the kid do zero homework when he's at your house?
I agree wholeheartedly, when
I agree wholeheartedly, when I try to point out "a learning experience" or whatever that his dad could take the time to explain why we do things we do, etc. But it always fails.
I don't see the issue with
I don't see the issue with everyone in the house having some chores, as stated they don't have to be all equal time but adjusted. The SS should at the very least be able to pick up after himself and assist with weekend cleanup when he's there.
The "guest" analogy doesn't work. Guests are there every so often. EOWE is on a regular ongoing basis. If I had "guests" that often I'd expect that they help - you better believe it. Plus guests are usually adults who know how to help and clean up after themselves (I would hope).
My DP doesn't think chores are necessary, nor responsibilities for my Sd10 and Sd12 (50/50). I've known them since they were 7 and 9. And it's just getting to be More work as they get older. I don't do anything any longer. DP does it all. And he gets exhausted but still nothing changes much; or at a glacial pace. He's less tolerant with their messes in the general areas but doesn't seem to want to "teach" them anything.
I've been much happier since disengaging on all fronts.
I'm super good now at even telling DP straight up that I don't want to hear it/deal with it/see it/discuss it with him, HE needs to decide (because otherwise my decision is invariably the wrong one.
Wow!! Just freaking wow!! My
:jawdrop: Wow!! Just freaking wow!! My ss, who is 9, was here for the weekend and not only did he help pick up the dog poop with my bios, he also helped go through old toys to donate and reorganized our crafting table. And all I had to do was ask. He was happy to help, as he knows I pay him, and my dh encourages this with all the kids. They have to learn responsibility somewhere.