Is it time to go
My ex fiancé and I planned a baby , when I conceived he was excited, and then he changed , we admittedly rushed everything, and he wanted me to keep it a secret from his child's ex , and I did , for 5 months because him and his ex where finally getting along . Well when I found out I was having a girl . I was excited And I got to the point where I was tired of keeping her a secret from my step son and from his ex , I wanted him to stop messing around and just tell her , and he kept saying he was , but then he asked me if I wanted to put the baby up for adoption(even though we planned the baby ) because he wasn't ready and he didn't want to traumatize his son . Anyway fast forward and he found out we were having a girl ( we both have boys) and finally he was okay about it . So I got tired of keeping her A secret , and on top of that , him and his ex never really included me in any meetings ,any decisions regarding them none of that . I was on the outside , and keeping my baby we planned a secret , so he broke off the engagement because I told her . Fast forward I was broken , and a week passed and I was out of his and his sons life. 3 weeks passed Now he wants to try again , but this time , he said he wants to pay for a separate place for me and our daughter while living in a completely different place with him and his son for a year , and basically keeping our lives separate from him and his son , and live this double life on days when he doesn't get his son he wants to live with us , and on days he does have his son , he wants to be with him in a separate household. Mind you him his son and I had already lived together for months; before he broke off our engagement after I told his ex about our daughter , his son still doesn't know about his sister . Is it time for me to leave . Or is it worth living in a separate household so my daughter has her father, I don't know what to do
update . He has just told me that he wants to wait a year from now until he tells his son about his sister , he also wants to date me during this time without telling his son who he's dating ( like I didn't just spend all this time with them) I think we've reached the end of this road guys thank you for your advice and comments . I'm not going to live like this, in secret . It looks like I've dodged a bullet just barely.
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Comments
No, it's not worth it. He can
No, it's not worth it. He can set up visitation time with your daughter when his son isn't around, but don't go back to this messed-up situation.
Living in separate households
Living in separate households works for some people.
I personally would feel too much resentment to continue being in a situation like that, but only you know the specifics of the situation.
I find it appalling that he mentioned adopting your child, whilst only considering his feelings and his sons.
I’m not sure why he feels the need to prioritise his son over everybody else.
I would only go back back if there were drastic changes first.
He is doing what he wants and expecting everyone else to play along- which isn’t very fair.
He should be wanting to support you and a new baby.
Have you got a supportive family or friends at the moment?
If you have already separated
If you have already separated from him and begun to start a new life, please don't go back to him. What he did to you is so wrong, and it makes me wonder what else he isn't telling you. He wants to live a double life. Are you sure he isn't already? This guy is bad news.
Walk away. He wants you to be
Walk away. He wants you to be his dirty little secret. Why would you degrade yourself for him. Just because he doesn't have the balls to face bm?
Tell him that you will be part of his family or you will block all access to the baby. Either he is all in or he can bugger off. If he decides to bugger off, take him to the cleaners.
Miserable sod doesn't deserve to have a baby.
Well, this isn't right. She
Well, this isn't right. She chose to make a baby with a guy she didn't know well. Not fair to cut him off from his child (or legal).
BMs blocking access to children because they are hurt or mad is what led many of us to this site.
ETA: Wow - I'm shocked that so many people think it's just fine to withhold a child to get what you want in a relationship. SMH
Totally agree. She has no
Totally agree. She has no right to give him an ultimatum like that.
Yes I chose
Yes I chose to make a baby with him . No I'm not the type of bm to keep a kid away from their father and I have never given him an ultimatum I have been patient and going with everything he says up until this point , I am concerned that my dd( who's due in January) is not going to have her fathers attention, he wants to be a part of her life , but only around his sons custody agreement with his ex so much so that he's willing to pay for a whole other apartment to keep us separate. He has no intention of introducing her to her brother until after she's around 6 months old ( his words) And before he knew she was a girl , wanted to give the baby up for adoption , now that he knows he's having a girl she's "less of a threat" ( his words ) to his ds.i won't keep her from him , but honestly after talking to him so more , he's really only concerned about his first child , because "he's the one here right now , and he's my priority " I made it perfectly clear to him I'm not going to keep her from him, but he needs to put in the effort because I'm not going to bend backwards for him anymore. Honestly guys it's in his hands if he wants to be a part of her life he's welcome but I'm not going to beg him .
I'm glad you aren't the type
I'm glad you aren't the type to block access. But ultimately, you can't control what kind of relationship he chooses to have with your DD. All you can do right now is do what's best for you. If he chooses to see her around his custody with his son, there is nothing you can really do about that. I'm glad you do see that fathers are important to kids and worry about their relationship.
I'm kinda thinking this guy
I'm kinda thinking this guy will voluntarily turn down visitation to prevent his favored first child from knowing there is sibling competition out there.
Idk, i'm torn. I don't think
Idk, i'm torn. I don't think she should withold the baby to get what she wants, but this guy was going to give the baby up for adoption, and, at best, wants to hide her from his son and possibly other family members, and live separately. It sounds like he is already rejecting the child.
I don't want to think of the baby locked in a basement on his custody days to keep others from finding out. Can he maintain two separate lives and give a baby the care she needs? Will he neglect her in favor of his son? It's a bad situation all-around. I agree that OP is better off without him, and i wonder if he is fit to parent this baby as a single father with the attitude he has.
EXACTLY
EXACTLY
OK, so the father goes to
OK, so the father goes to court and says I want to see my child - he will get to see his child. It's not her choice. They won't care that he doesn't let the child see her sibling or that he pretends it's a secret.
Why do all of you think she has the right to keep a child away from the legal father? If a father took a baby and kept it from the mother because she had considered adoption, everyone would be screaming that it's kidnapping and she should go to court. But a mother does it, and it's to protect the child.
Got it.
Toxic is toxic.
Toxic is toxic.
My guess is, if OP doesn't agree to living in the separate home and "dad" is allowed to visit when he doesn't have his son (of course!), "dad" won't have custody time... heaven forbid he get caught spending time with his dirty secret...er, I mean daughter.
Toxic and unhealthy is not ok. And a good parent (mom or dad) should try to prevent damagage (physical or mental).
ETA: He can go to court... and they would grant custody time. But will he? I am just saying OP should not bend over backward to provide him with a "hidden space" to keep him from making his daughter's existance a secret.
Do you think he will set up a crib and have clothes, diapers, bottles, toys at his house for his son to be traumatized by? Not likely.
Well, BM here thought she was
Well, BM here thought she was protecting SS from our terrible home, too, so you'll forgive me if I don't subscribe to the theory that mothers can decide everything for their children and no one should question it.
She can go to court and try to get supervised visits, that would be legal, if she's so concerned about the daughter's well-being. But "blocking access" is illegal and not okay, especially for the reasons people here have outlined - ie, he "doesn't deserve the baby". I don't know what he will and won't do for his daughter - but it's not the OP's choice to decide that he's not the father anymore.
I'm not advocating to block
I'm not advocating to block access, but if i were her, and i'm not, i would separate from this man. If he has a desire to parent this child and go for a CO, by all means she needs to follow it. If he doesn't go for it, i wouldn't advise her to push the issue, that's all i'm saying. The baby is half his. I never tried to keep my kids from their dad, and i never will unless i suspect they would be unsafe. I'm worried that this dad may be unsafe, though. He sounds unstable. Legally he must be given a chance to parent, though.
Your husband and the OPs
Your husband and the OPs husband do not sound similar...at all.
I think both moms and dads should protect their children - unfortunately sometimes even from the other parent.
There are plently of crazy (legit diagnosed) and/or drug abusing moms that the dad is doing their best to protect the kid from (posters on this board and/or their spouse).
The court doesn't always help and does allow/require visitation. But a parent shouldn't make it easy.
Like I said, OP should dump this freakin ahole. If he wants to petition the court for visitation, okay. But don't provide him with a place to keep his daughter secret. I'm willing to bet "dad" will walk away.
So far what we know about
So far what we know about this man is what OP told us and it's not much but very telling. He would mostly end up a NCP and then it's on him to make the effort with the baby. Whether or not he makes the effort, OP can't be judged for how HE chooses to act. She can follow the CO and is she smart , set it up so if he fails to follow thru he feels financial penalties for that.
All he's said so far is that
All he's said so far is that he's not introducing the baby to his son until she's 6-months- old. I'm sure OP was hurt by the adoption comment, but other than that, I'm not seeing what makes this guy such a danger to his child. Even jerks who have second thoughts about having a baby, or prefer one gender over the other, get to have a relationship with their children.
Well, IMO, I wouldn't
Well, IMO, I wouldn't completely blame op for removing her child from the situation. Obviously this man has no interest whatsoever on the well being of his own daughter. So many red flags in his behavior and I as a mom would definitely be concerned on having a man like that in my child's life. She would be no where near a priority. It's not always selfish reasons..
What a jerk.
What a jerk.
"I like the idea of us living
"I like the idea of us living apart, but I'd like to modify that a bit. Instead of you coming here and being with us as a family when it's convenient for you, how about we just set up a custody schedule for baby girl and you can figure out how to balance out your kids because I'm not playing this stupid game."
Get a lawyer, draft up custody papers and child support. If he doesn't want his kids co-mingling, fine. Doesn't mean he gets to have you play housewife and bed warmer when he's done kissing his ex's backside and coddling his son.
^^^ THIS!
^^^ THIS!
You're worth more than this man indicates by the way he treats you.
Is it time for me to leave
If I read this correctly the ex knows about baby, but this guy still has not told his son because he doesn't want to traumatize him. So he proposes to live separately for a year, a year in which the son would still be clueless. And after a year, do you think he will then tell his son? Or will it be too traumatizing to reveal an infant?
And how will the finances of his proposed arrangement work? If you are living separately is he paying his share (which is half if you are a couple) of your joint home and child expenses or is he paying child support? Medical insurance?
Your child has a father. A father who planned her conception, and then wanted to have her be adopted, and now wants to hide her from his son for at least a year. While he may see her during that year, is he also going to hide her from his parents, siblings, friends, and coworkers?
I would not like this arrangement. I don't want to be hidden from view and I know I would not want my child hidden.
He wants you to be his dirty
He wants you to be his dirty little secret
Let's just call it what it is, he wants you to be his dirty little whore, he has NO respect for you. I would tell him to f*ck off.
It amazes me that he thinks so little of you, the woman he was planning to marry, that he thinks that you would accept this. You should be insulted. And hurt. And pissed off.
You don't deserve this treatment and neither does your daughter.
Kids have siblings all the
Kids have siblings all the time. It's a part of life and a life lesson that the world does not revolve around you. By keeping this a secret from his son, he is setting up a fragile golden child. One who demands everything and is unable to recognize that he will need to give back. Dad also appears to have misogynistic tendencies which won't be good for your daughter. Rethink this relationship. It's not a healthy one.
Ultimately
His second family will be sacrificed on the altar of the Holy failed first family.
Not a good situation to be in. Divorce, custody and visitation would be your best bet.
Can you imagine being a child
Can you imagine being a child and knowing your father and mother agreed to keep you a secret from his first family for a whole year (and perhaps more) of your existence; like that's how important you are kiddo. Way to validate your child's existence with love. She'll find out someday. Family secrets always come out.
You do not want to be part of this. Leave him. Hope he does not want access to her and go after him for child support.
Yes!
Yes!
If he's willing to pay for an
If he's willing to pay for an extra apartment then you can formalise it through court as CS and visitation. There's a huge power imbalance if he expects that you jump through whatever ridiculous hoops he sets so that his first family don't get upset and all he's gotta do is bankroll things.
Oh, pls.! Just leave. You
Oh, pls.! Just leave. You are nothing to this man other than a piece on the side, and same for your daughter to be. You are this man's (and his ex's) concubine. He wants to keep you away in a different apt. as a kept woman. Your child will be considered by them (not by anyone else, but them) to more or less be illegitimate. Is his ex- going to swing by every so often and give you your monthly stipend?
Is that the kind of life you want for yourself and your daughter? This man and his ex-? and the rest of their family have set you up to be their personal family be.atch. If you want to sign up for that, fine. But I don't think you should sign up your child for that without really, seriously thinking about how this is going to impact her.
File for divorce, request
File for divorce, request child support and visitation and list his ex's address as last known address
Time to lawyer up
IM so sorry that this is happening.
It sounds like you know what to do. Yes, leave this man, and file for custody orders and child support.
Then treat yourself well and with love. Bask in the joy of the coming bundle of joy. Prhaps consider seeking therapy so you can heal from this damaging relationship.
Give him the opportunity through court ordered visitation to set up an appropriate schedule with the father. See what unfolds, but his actions say more than his words. Keeping you and baby a secret denotes shameful behavior. Time to cut that toxic sludge out of your life, and only deal with him as the father of your child.
"What the f*** is" is all i
"What the f*** is" is all i think while reading this. He basically wants a mistress. He's a pussy, you def dodged a bullet.
Move forward without him
Hi dear, this man is so self-centred and selfish. He doesn't care about your feeling. If he is serious to build a life with you he will not hurt you by his words and actions. He only do what is best for him, not for you and your daughter.