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I just don't get it..

Tigerlily7's picture

Submitted by Tigerlily7 on Tue, 03/19/2024 - 6:23am

BM is now hiding/evading law over her active warrants one of my SD's had an emergency last week and is still having a hard time as soon as I found out what was going on with her the BM is the first person I had to fight to get ahold of and out of kindness/concern let them know what was going on with their child. Husband told her until she got the warrants taken care of he was not sending the kids, he spoke with attorney who consulted the judge in the case they encouraged DH to bring it back to court for sole custody. DH does not want to shut the BM out of the kids lives, shes done perfectly fine at doing that on he rown but at this point im like we got to protect the kids... 

I've already adopted one of my stepchildren from another woman/relationship... I asked BM last year if she would do this for me with my 2 SD's she refused said that she couldn't handle just turning them over like she did not love them... What I am trying to figure out a year and a load of chaos later where her love is that she is speaking of? She is not even a weekend "mommy" She never calls them, never communicates with them and we don't hear from her until it is her visitation time... SD's both have struggled emotionally and got through a lot of milestones/hurdles without her being there on her own accord. I Nachoed as much as I could but lets face it I am having to be a full time parent too. Especially with my husband working and gone most of the time. Even with all the hardships in my marriage and dealing with the BM's shenanigans I accept it, i tolerate it and ignore my needs because.. I Love those children as if they were my very own same way I love my only son.. to them I am the Mom... I am the constant and they always lean on me... 

I feel like I have been to generous and to kind to the BM i know I have to the POS Husband.. but I also know my only end goal in this life is the happiness and the care of my children. 

I am so upset/aggravated because its been almost 2 weeks now and the Bm has not checked in on my SD to see how she is or even if she needs anything but i wake up to a message this morning her asking the same question she has the last 2 months on her scheduled time "am I getting the kids?"" - she already knows the answer is no untils he takes care of the warrants... or we go back and change custody order. 

again... I just don't get it, what gives!?

Comments

CastleJJ's picture

Submitted by CastleJJ on Tue, 03/19/2024 - 7:47am

BM is holding onto the title of "Mom" because it is likely the only "good" thing she has left in her life. Even if she sucks as a BM and can't show up for her kids, the title is enough for her. Allowing you to adopt them strips her of that. You know she doesn't truly care about her kids. If she did, she would be a better BM. For some reason, skids are like a supply for your BM and she only wants them when she needs her "fix" to make her feel like a less shitty Mom or person. It's infuriating, but it's the situation until you can legally rid her from your lives. 

advice.only2's picture

Submitted by advice.only2 on Tue, 03/19/2024 - 10:28am

This is very much a fact, when Meth Mouth was arrested, and the kids were taken one of the officers was talking to her about getting clean.  He brought up that she was a mom and how this was affecting her kids.  She went ape sh*t on the guy screaming at him that she was an amazing mother and she always put her kids first.  Every time DH and Meth Mouth went to court, she would cry and go on about what an amazing mother she was.  Reality was Meth Mouth was never a good mom, she’s a NARC and her kids were just extensions of her that she used to build herself up.

Tigerlily7's picture

Submitted by Tigerlily7 on Tue, 03/19/2024 - 9:22am

this right here Cray 2 I had a traumatic upbringing myself still regardless loved my parents. 

-yes BM has history of all of that.

Tigerlily7's picture

Submitted by Tigerlily7 on Tue, 03/19/2024 - 9:23am

the other issue bothering me too is... none of the BM's family, the girls granddad... aunts or uncles etc check in on them.

Felicity0224's picture

Submitted by Felicity0224 on Tue, 03/19/2024 - 10:31am

I volunteer as a court appointed advocate for children in foster care, and I have personally witnessed the very worst mothers you can imagine cling to the title of mother with everything they have. Even when there is zero chance of them being reunified with their children, they will not admit that and force everyone to go through the long, painful, and drawn out process to terminate their rights. I think it just boils down to the fact that it's the most basic human instinct to want to be a mother to children you gave birth to - and for some people, their ability to mother is severely compromised or lacking, maybe even toxic or dangerous. But they all still have that instinct to cling to it for as long as they can. It's sad, in a way, for them as well as for the children involved.

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Tue, 03/19/2024 - 5:59pm

Your DH needs to pull  his head out of his own butt and listen to his lawyer and the Judge.  Getting full custody does not cut BM out of the kid's lives. It gives DH full control on being able to protect the best interests of his children considering their waste of skin mother.

I get the no involvement thing.  My SS rarely saw his Spermidiot.  While there was COd established visitation, it was fully engaged on the SpermClan side by SpermGrandHag.  SS went years on a few occassions withut laying an eye on his SpermDad.  We did not learn of this until a few years later that the Spermidiot moved across the country from SpermLand for more than 2yrs.  SpermGrandHag continued the visitation with SS and no mention was ever made that the Spermidiot had moved.

Our CO included long distance visitation for SS with his SpermClan. We never lived nearer than 1200 miles from SpermLand.  My wife was the CP.  The schedule was 5wks Summer, 1wk winter, 1wk spring.  At most SS would see SpermDaddy a few hours on any given visitation with the rare exception of SpermDaddy maybe going on a very rare camping trip with spermGrandHag and his 4 all out of wedlock spawn by 3 different baby mamas for a few days.  On average, SS saw  his BioDad less than one full day in a complete year.

Like your DH is sensitive to, we never denied SS visitation with his SpermClan.  Though we also made sure to protect him from their manipulations, lies, and PASing crap.

I am heartbroken for your Skids.  They need their father to man up and put their idiot mother in her place and keep her there.

IMHO of course.

Tigerlily7's picture

Submitted by Tigerlily7 on Tue, 03/19/2024 - 8:44pm

I needed this feedback/response Rags you always do help me so much along this journey... 

DH is a total idiot himself... though I do agree and am finally glad he stepped in on the cutting off overnights with her visitations. The SK's said they did not want to be there/around incase she was to get arrested not to mention the filth and neglect they dealt with when going there. DH did offer for BM and her family to meet him at a public place... park resteraunt etc on her visitations until she got her crap together and took care of the warrants. She hasnt responded to any of it. 

I think its time to be more open an honest with the SK's too they are 10 and 12 now so they need to be shown/informed the truth in the right direct/dialouge i do believe they have already seen and heard so much than they should with the incubator and that side anyhow 

I just wish DH would get his head out of the sand and be more proactive and take charge in the matters, I feel like im the only one who cares/worries about it at all.

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Tue, 03/19/2024 - 11:46pm

The challenge is keeping them fully presented with the facts in an age appropriate manner.  IMHO that is the best and only truly effective way to protect them and to prepare them to protect themselves.

Sadly tne incubator and her clan won't likely ever stop their crap with your Skids. At some point, when they are older, you and DH will not be there to run interferance.  At that point the kids will likely either step up and protect themselves, willfully dive into the shallow and polluted end of their gene pool, or write them off completely.  Whatever they choose, they need the facts so that they make whatever choice they make as fully informed at possible.