Unsure Anymore
I'm not sure what to do anymore. My husband and I have been struggling for some time now with his BM. In my personal opinion, she's unfit to be a mother. This has been my opinion from the time my SD was born to this very day at the age of 12. Recently, my SD's disregard for other people's property and emotions has gotten out of control. We don't tolerate it in our house. But her mother allows it in hers. Her mother doesn't care what she does so long as she (the mother) doesn't have to be bothered to step away from the online computer games long enough to have to care for her children. My SD is also beginning to fail school because her mother doesn't enforce it in her home. And with the pandemic currently going on, she's not only missing homework, but tests and quizzes as well due to school being virtual. All she wants to do is be on her cell phone and play video games on the x-box or computer. We have tried taking away her cellphone and other electronics and even grounding her to her room with exception of needing a drink, eating dinner with the family, and using the bathroom. We don't believe in any form of physical discipline. So I don't know what else to do or even try. I know she's at that age where she's becoming a teenager and they can be difficult to handle in general. But when it's not being dealt with in both homes the way it should be, how are we supposed to teach her right from wrong? Especially when most girls look to their mothers as their biggest role model, and my SD's mother is a lazy dead-beat.
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Comments
You are doing the right thing
You are doing the right thing. Unfortunately when Thier is no consistency between homes it takes longer to see the behavior change. Kids are adaptable, just as some kids have behavior issues at home but not in school or vice versa.
I would suggest in addition to the structure adding a reward system to encourage SD when she is engaging in positive behavior to reinforce what you want her to do. Also encourage her to get involved in an activity that she enjoys and makes her feel good about herself.
Unfortunately, I'd guess she
Unfortunately, I'd guess she will start refusing to come to your home within the next 3 years. There isn't much you can do when one parent has no rules. Keep enforcing the ones in your house, but she's going to naturally gravitate to the home where she can do whatever she wants. Sorry to be pessimistic but that's what played out in our home and it has happened to many others as well.
With an enabling and no
With an enabling and no discipline house with her mother, don't expect anything to change. It will likely get worse from here.
I think that 11-14 are the worst years for kids. Those hormones are out of control. Middle school is the worst.
I agree that you should focus on positive reinforcement vs. punishment, like Futuro said. If there are rewards for doing the right thing vs. looking for things that were missed to punish, you might get more of a response.
As a parent, this is difficult for me to do. I give my kids lots of freedom, but if they do something to violate my trust (that could be as simple as my trust in them to have turned in assignments), I go into major lockdown punishment mode. Thankfully, their dad and SM have similar rules and expectations at their house, so they can't just favor one home because it is easier there. You don't have that luxury of knowing the other parent will have your backs when something happens.
Thank you!
Thank you everyone! My husband and I are going to try some of the options mentioned here and hopefully we can get somewhere with her. I know I would hate to lose her being I see her as one of my own, I could only imagine how my husband is feeling being that she is his little girl. So thank you everyone for the feedback!