Step Daughter aged 21 going on 12…
I moved in with my new partner 18 months ago. He has 2 daughters that live with him full time. One is 18. The other is 21. (Mom moved back to Scotland after they split - girls did not want to move). She said she would come back for them and find a place in the area but she never did. And now lives with her new partner in Scotland.
the youngest daughter is easy. She's pleasant. Polite. And happy. And easy to be around. The eldest is making my life a living nightmare. She is rude. Arrogant. Ignorant and plain miserable.
I understand she probably has issues with the fact that mom let her down. (I had nothing to do with the split. Met him after). But the way she treats me is awful.
she barely acknowledges my existence in the house. And does her utmost to annoy me and upset me.
I never ever retaliate directly. I always speak to my partner and let him deal with it. But it's getting to the stage now where I'm finding it very hard to keep my mouth shut.
my partner ALWAYS backs me up. And she hates it. But he is well aware that his daughters behaviour is unreasonable. And unfair.
it is affecting me so much now I have had to seek counselling. I find her intimidating and she makes me feel like my bullies at school used to make me feel. I can't bare to be in the same room as her now. Because it fills me with anxiety. There is no sign of her moving out any time soon. As basically she has no life. No boyfriend. Rarely leaves the house except to go to work. And there is no hope of her leaving any time soon.
she doesn't clean up after herself. Just leaves the mess for me to clean up. If I move something in the house. She moves it back. Amd although my name is now on the mortgage. And I own half of the house. I feel like it isn't mine and I can't move freely or do what I like in my own house.
HELP!!!!
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Welcome to the site!
Given that SD21 is so unpleasant to you and your partner seems to acknowledge this - why doesn't he ask her to leave? She's well old enough to get her own place, your partner has no obligation to house another adult cuckoo in the nest, who is rude and obnoxious to the degree that it is affecting your mental health. If he refuses to do this, then I would accept that you have a partner problem, as well as an SD problem, and consider establishing separate living arrangements. The downside of this, is that it is exactly what SD21 wants and she will be cheering to have got her way - but tbh, I wouldn't be able to live like this. Your wellbeing is the most important thing.
Your Partner
This is pretty much all on him at this point.
You will need to draw some lines and stand strong in them.
If he truly has your back, he would not stand for you being treated thusly and paying for the priviledge of being her maid/doormat.
Short term - if your partner isnt addressing her behavior in a way that she is listening to (meaning repercussions) then you must gather your strength and have a major heart to heart with your partner. (*** is she paying rent?) and come up with a solution long-term. Long term she cannot behave herself appropriately therefore she cannot live with you disrupting your personal space you pay for. Period. Short term either you AND partner sit the ungrateful cretin down and speak with her letting her know she changes her treatment of you or shes been given 30 day notice. Or you do this all on your own.
Good luck!
I had SD24 Feral Forger call me insisting on speaking with her father. Then when pressed told me that she wanted her old room back (the one I cleaned out and have installed myself in completely) and that she is her fathers daughter, its HIS house, and I need to just step aside.
I told her "you hate me, have said terrible things to me, called me terrible names and are super rude to me...and yet you want to live with me? This is half my house! MY parents bought it for us and we bought it from them and I pay half of everything..I just dont see how that would work..." She hung up on me and called her father who spoke with her while she cried tearfully...it wasnt an emergency at all...he just told her hey this is Clove's home too, you two dont get along (likes it part my fault eh?) and well you dont respond to any of my attempts at a relationship..."
It wasnt anyones finest moment, but I didnt have to deal with her since then (Christmas 2022)
I agree with both above
I agree with both above answers. If partner truly had your back, SD either wouldn't still be acting this way or wouldn't be living in your house. For an adult baby that age, there should be no option to live at home and act like a bitchy little queen bee.
This is just my opinion but I
This is just my opinion but I would request the 21 year old leave.
There is no obligation to feed clothe house adults over 18 so......If they can't give basic respect then they gotta go...
If your partner thinks it's okay for his adult kids to be disrespectful to you then perhaps leaving them that situation is better.
All of the above! Have you
All of the above! Have you discussed her moving out with your husband? About the problems she's making and he's allowing? He may back you up but does he actually make sure she's corrected as well AND follows through with the rules of the house? I suspect not.
At this point, since she's 21, she either becomes a tenant with a lease (and all the obligations and rules that entails, including paying rent and lease termination clauses) and/or you go 100% disengaged from her - you don't clean, cook, or have anything to do with her exept maybe hello and goodbye. Why are YOU cleaning it up and not your husband? She is not your child and can do so herself.
She is 21, kick her ass out of your life and write her off.
If daddy takes issue, give him the message that he is either your SO, or he and his spawn are gone.
Take care of you.
Honestly, I'd tell your DH either she moves out or you do.
Honestly, I'd tell your DH either she moves out or you do. It is not healthy to live where you never feel comfortable. You don't have to break up with him, but you don't have to live with him and his kids either.
Thank you.
Thank you to all that took the time out of their day to respond. I've never been one to give up easily. And I take all of your comments on board. I will not be the one to leave this house. And I've decided to stop being so scared and anxious. And deal with this head on. What I'm doing at the moment isn't working by going through dad with my grievances. Therefore it's time to change tactics. I'm 28 years her senior. And it's time I took control of the situation. I've never allowed anyone to get the better of me my whole life and I'm not about to start now! I always win in the end!! Always!!
thanks all xx
Good for you - and good luck!
Good for you - and good luck! I always regret that I did not set firmer boundaries for my own SDs' behaviour when they were coming every other weekend, although I have now! As of last year I refuse to have anything further to do with SD28 - DH sees her outside our home.
Once again Your real problem
Is your SO. He should be stopping this bad behavior. It's his DD. She's a visitor at her age.. and he should not be letting this happen.