Know It All
Recently, I started seeing a therapist. DH went with me the first time. Upon witnessing the insanity, the therapist suggested strongly that we attend solo sessions. She said we were in no way ready for marriage counseling.
How nice.
I do not fully trust her yet, but so far, so good. She has yet to pull any type of crap child adoration nonsense on me. I really hate therapy, so this is very much a last ditch effort for me and DH.
Before I explain this next little bit about my irritation with "validation," understand I do realize she is doing her job. One thing I cannot stand is this woman telling me I am "valid" for the things I say. I already know that. Even DH likes to yell at me in fights, "Well I guess YOU always know more than EVERY EFFING ONE!" I have some other friends who can quite relate. They get to hear, "YOU know EVERY EFFING THING!" from their child adoration fluffy bunny DH's. I enjoy being in the smart group, so these are not really taken as insults.
Me: "Yes DH, I agree. I am very smart after all."
Anyway, other than that urge to tell her, "Yes, I came in here knowing I was right to start," things are not so bad.
She has now referred to DH's family (DH was not here) situation as a "dysfunctional system." I cannot fix this "system," nor do I have such desire to fix it. She did say this time that since I was simply looking for common ground with my husband, depending on her solo session with him, she will leave it to us as to whether we do more solo or together. Had I wanted to have anything to do with making anything right with his ahole brats, she would not make this recommendation. She acknowledges they are basically effed up. That part felt good actually...the part where I have someone with some bit of sanity acknowledging that yeah - screw them. Move on with my marriage. I loved that she wanted to address nothing with them at all. I loved that she did not try to examine what I have done concerning them.
She also acknowledged that DH is a "doer." She stated that people like him tend to be mistaken for chumps (she did not use that word exactly), and people take advantage of these people. I agreed. His children are the WORST offenders. DH won't change. I know that. He likes to do things for people. I suppose if he brings it up, perhaps she could help him find a way to not be taken advantage of...but I am not too concerned about that. Up to him.
In response to me telling her my resentment that I am the one who was so desperate as to seek out therapy instead of those assholes, she referred to me as the "identified patient." In other words, a term they use in family therapy that means "scapegoat." Basically, his asshole kids and my husband's lack of support were actually driving me f*cking crazy when really THEY are the ones who have the issues. No kidding! I've known this for some time. Right again. What a shame. Makes me hate them more.
I do not have much hope really, but hearing a third party say your marriage does not have much hope is pretty impressive.
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There is nothing in this
There is nothing in this situation that could provide any growth whatsoever concerning me. That was somewhat the point...which the therapist...validated.
Disengaged? I suppose. They are all adults. They don't have much to do with their father unless it comes to money. I will see them from time to time no doubt in the future. This is about all the damage they have caused. I only ever knew them as adults from the beginning. As the therapist agreed, just because the last one moved out finally, does not mean all the resulting damage is healed.
I am far from in good head
I am far from in good head space. I would call it more like pure pain. Not everything is equal however. I am pretty sure if my therapist thought I had some equal part in this situation, she would have said so. I will go with her and what I know to be true. Hell, even my husband agrees. His point (his words) in going is to learn how to support me. He tells me and told the therapist. Our marriage comes first, his kids don't matter in this. They have made their choices. I just have yet to see that in action. They have finally all moved on and pretty much do not acknowledge him other than random punishment attempts and cries for money.
She even went so far as to ask me how I even made it this far. it simply is not all equal in these step situations. I walked into a dysfunctional situation. Even DH did not realize HOW dysfunctional it was...not sure he does quite yet but I think he will learn a bit more when he goes.
Residual past mistakes...yes. DH readily admits he made many mistakes. He also realizes his brats are responsible for the bullying they did. The outright blatant assholeness only just ended this past fall. That is one thing that she pointed out to DH - just because they are rather out of our hair (and his wallet and his ass) for the most part...or let's say...it's no longer a daily basis...does not mean that all the hurt is healed.
I am well aware. As with any other rotten situation, I was afraid this would happen. I did finally get across to him that I am FAR from HAPPY to be feeling this way. I hate it. I don't want to feel rotten. I don't want to NOT trust him. My dilemma, which sent us to therapy...was that I do NOT really trust him to support me in future issues. There will be more weddings, more graduations, more...money...etc.
My saying I do not trust him, shattered him. Therapy. He wants to move forward, but as there are not many opportunities now for him to show that he really does support me, he's not sure how. Fair enough.
She did not insinuate that we divorce...just yet...I would not be surprised though. She keeps saying it like this..."Well, I don't want to sound too pessimistic...but..."
She did however say after meeting us both together once that we needed separate sessions. We are doing that. Depending on HIS session with her (I already did mine), she will let us choose unless she gets a different sense from his session.
I think we both hope it works
I think we both hope it works out so that we stay married. I am so not a believer in therapy, so for me to do this means utter desperation. He would not do it either if he did not have some amount of hope.
It's a sucky spot to be in, but we'll see how it goes.
I also rely on some bit of energy in making sure those assholes do not WIN by us divorcing
They worked long and hard. I'm sure they feel they deserve it.
OK, seeing you are a smart
OK, seeing you are a smart woman (and as one myself who is -as my ex put it - sometimes always right) you are disparaging the professional you chose for pointing out the facts. Yes, the language she uses is not as 'direct' as you put it but she is talking in 'professionalese' and really cannot say "Your skids are sh1theads" because she COULD be called on to explain herself in a court setting. So it has to remain factual and non-emotive. Hence the dumbed down language.
It sounds like you ARE getting some validation for your opinions and as sure as you are about them you ARE getting some pleasure that someone else sees this as a flawed series of relationships and kids who are destined to repeat their parents mistakes.
I would keep going to see her and keep an open mind. At least listen to her. My daughter is currently seeing a psychiatrist due to the treatment she got form her daughter's father/her ex B/friend. And lo and behold she says he has NOT an addictive personality (his excuse for being a loser) but he is emotionally abusive and will always be this way. And his way of controlling DD is to remain involved in his daughter's life as long as he can annoy DD. He doesn't REALLY want to parent a 5 yr old girl. He wants to be thorn in her side for as long as it gets to her. And through the psychiatrist she will learn ways to not let his maipulations get to either her or her DH.
Now she may be annoying but at the end of the day you can say "She nailed them 85% 0f the time but missed the point 15%" It can only lead to 'some' clarity even if it is 'told ya so!"
No. I am not disparaging
No. I am not disparaging her. I said not one disparaging thing about her.
I don't need her validation...was part of the point. Whether you think so or not; however, I did comment that I realize that is her job. What I want is to find unity with my husband and heal the damage done.
I never said I was not listening to her.
I even said some positive things.
Don't worry. As the therapist agrees as well, I have taken enough sh1t from his kids. I don't really need anyone else saying these things, but whatever makes others happy. Same as I do not understand why they enjoy treating me like crap, I don't understand your comment at all.
What's really funny here...is I intentionally wrote remarks so as not to have someone else come on here and say, "don't be mean to the therapist." Ineffective. Oh well.
Anyway, the one good thing is that she would never say this or take anything I said this way at all. She does at least have some understanding...along with the other postive things I said in the post.
Hmmm...this I really do not understand at all..."you ARE getting some pleasure that someone else sees this as a flawed series of relationships and kids who are destined to repeat their parents mistakes." I didn't write that did I? IF so, I will correct that. She never once blamed him or me. She never once said they were destined to repeat anything. She knows he is a good person and his kids take advantage. She doesn't really see any hope there or care about anything that does not concern our marriage. That was nice. I don't think I'd call it pleasure, but it does not offend me either. His children are all adults. This is not about parenting. It is about selfish jerks who tried to destroy our marraige, dealing with the damage....and finding a common ground for me and my husband in our marriage so that we can be united.
I guess that ending line was not understood, but that is okay also. I really do not expect every single person on this site to understand.
I am sorry. I didn't mean to
I am sorry. I didn't mean to offend you. That was not the purpose.
As for why the kids treat you like crap? Simple, because someone allowed them to. At some stage they learnt that they are allowed to treat people this way and escape any consequences and the blame for their behaviour lies at the feet of those who taught/allowed this to continue.
I did not take offense. I
I did not take offense. I was correcting the misunderstanding. Nobody in this situation is saying it is all his fault...except him.
Believe me, he raised his kids to have manners. That is one of the reasons he has had such a hard time understanding all of this. He simply could not believe they would be so rotten. He did overdo for them. He was very kind, so with that thinking, they ought to be repeating his mistake of "being nice and overdoing for others."
His mistake is in not recongnizing that and that he fought with me rather than them. He did not support me in many cases.
Unfortunately, they are all adults and therefore all of us do hold them responsible. We are not willing to just simply dismiss it as bad parenting. LOL - mind you - one of them is married, homeowner and almost completed law degree. She's pure ahole.
DH has no problem admitting any mistakes he's made. But frankly, neither of us give a crap about whether or not the poor babies should blame mommy and daddy or not. In fact, if we went into that, the therapist would say we had ZERO hope. The ONLY reason she even left it up to us to attempt marraige counseling is because we want to focus on our marriage. I jsut have a lot of damage from them to overcome. All we care about now is our marriage and saving it.
Oh I feel you on that. This
Oh I feel you on that. This hell for my life? Not a good trade. I had no idea, but whatever. It is what it is now. We are just trying to save our marriage. I'm not sure how much hope either has right now thoug.
School, my house, my son, my activities. Ugh. I miss it all. I had goals!!!!
I hope it helps you feel better. I really do...your therapy. I hope you can make it back to school and finish too. Take back the life time!
That is where I want to get. I am so lacking in energy from all of it. I know he really believes he loves me. There is no way in hell he would still be around, but my gosh. He is a "solver" so if it is not solved, he takes personal offense.
I am going to therapy as
I am going to therapy as well. I thought I was seriously messed up...at least according to my husband. Instead the therapist told me I'm normal and it could be my DH projecting some things on me.
Now DH is mad because he thinks the counseling is not helping me. LOL. I'm not saying I don't contribute to some of our problems, but to hear DH talk, I was a selfish, batshit crazy lunatic. It got to the point I started to believe it.
Maybe that is why your therapist is validating you so much? Because she sees so many people like me who are starting to believe they must be as crazy as their husbands say they are?
I can understand that. I do
I can understand that.
I do not have an issue with her "validations." I was only saying I do not need them...at least not from her. Would have been nice to have gotten it from my husband when all this was going on though! I already concluded that these people are bullies. And as you said sort of...I think when people are constantly hammering away over time...no matter how tough a person is...it eats at you and causes damage.
In our case, his kids were the real pieces of work and my husband was not seeing through it. He did not want to believe it. Now, they are not around...so I am not able to see this "support" from him? Hard to explain I guess. He said it best last night.
I suppose I am fortunate in that my husband flat out told the therapist he was responsible. I was not looking for that. Yet another thing I want him to know. ALL I want is for our marriage to work. I do not care about his wrongs or who was wrong. I know all that already. I want to move on. I resent the hell out of his kids. I have a feeling that will be there until I pretty much tell them to shove it...but that might not happen. If not, that will be time.
Still, I do not really feel fortunate right now.
I don't want to work on anything concerning them...only me and my husband.