A particularly tough day RE: being in FH/BM's old home...
Usually, it doesn't bother me very much or at all, but today it was really getting to me.
In all fairness, it's only been about a year or so since BM moved out and so I understand not being able to replace everything all at once. When we have the skids, it would be impossible to use our vehicle to fit everyone and so we trade off with her for those times. Due to circumstances that would take more time than I care to give to explain, we can't leave this house yet, and due to more circumstances that are equally time-consuming to explain, DH pays BM's van payments and cell phone bill (as part of the support, not on top of it, at least). A lot of it is out of our control for the timebeing but will be gone in another 6 months to a year as different contracts expire and paperwork goes through. He hates how much is intertwined as much as I do; there just isn't a lot we can do besides wait, for now. Usually I can accept what we can't change for now, but once in awhile I break down a little over it. 
Today was one of those days.
FH is a computer geek (:)) and has a lot of records on the computer - finances, medical and random unorganized files he has yet to get to including a file with BM's name on it. There's nothing shady in it; it's clearly a place he tossed a lot of her files from old computers and hasn't looked at since (odds and ends hobby and interest things she saved). I've seen it many times before, but for some reason today it just set me off. I asked why she had to be everywhere, how long we had to save all of these things for her, how long does she need to be intertwined in our lives more than she needs to be as the BM? I cried and told him how it was sometimes so hard to even be in this house and use things she's used a thousand times before, to feel like it isn't "our" home and I'm just filling in. Rationally, I know that's not true - I know it's circumstances and we aren't millionaires. I know he's replaced some things - bed sheets/comforter/pillows, some kitchen appliances, washer/dryer - and he's always called them "ours". It does get hard sometimes though.
FH said he understood and asked if there was anything little we could replace, say tomorrow, that would help. I kind of laughed and said, "Everything?" and he laughed and agreed. I know he wants to get rid of the last bits of that life, too, and that helps. Realistically, I couldn't think of one specific thing to replace, but FH is a "fixer" and so we walked around the entire house for some ideas. I've decided on new laundry baskets and a broom for sure, and we may look at some cookware or an appliance tonight, but we'll see. I don't want to blow money for the sake of insecurity, but if it's something inexpensive or something we need, anyway, it's a good time to do it.
So tonight we're going out for dinner and then stopping by BB&B. It's days like this, though, that remind me how wonderful FH is to me, remind me why I'm muscling my way through the tail-end of the transition period with him and remind me why I'm so willing to take the SM path long-term, even if it's hard as hell some days.
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He sounds like a keeper!
He sounds like a keeper! Maybe you should download the BM file onto discs and delete it. Take one room at a time and "exterminate" her from it! LOL.
Hee, that's the plan. We're
Hee, that's the plan. We're working through some organizing this week and I think tomorrow we're going to scan in some records for this year and sort through the randomness that includes BM's old stuff. Throw it onto a CD for her and get rid of it.
I completely know how you
I completely know how you feel. I moved in with my fiance (I was also moving across country at the time) into his house that he had bought with BM. She moved out in a hurry, expecting to move back in after things calmed down. DF never took her back, so naturally alot of the things in the house were still hers...in nooks and crannies especially. I had a VERY hard time with it at first, and the most important thing for me to do was to purge everything. I took it upon myself. The stuff didn't bother DF like it bothered me...he didn't really see the difference between her perfumes and mine. But to me, everywhere I looked, I felt like I was replacing her, basically. I cried many times about it, not really understanding why. I even had a bit of a fit one day that we were sleeping in the same bed she and DF used to sleep in...only to find out I was wrong. DF had bought a whole new bed/mattress set after the breakup because she took theirs. That made me realize how silly I was being.
I cleaned out every cupboard, closet, and room in the house and made boxes for BM. When holidays came around, I ousted all of her decorations and gave them to her as well. You need to make her a disc of the computer stuff and then delete. I truly feel I have purged all BM from my house. I'll tell you what -- all those feelings went away completely. DF and I have painted the walls how I want them too. You MUST do this. You need to make it YOUR home now. I even re-arranged the furniture in all the rooms so I wouldn't think it was something "she" had set up.
Find new curtains at a second-hand or knock-off store. Buy some new bedding and towels when stores have clearance sales. Sell some of the old furniture on Craigslist and use the money to buy new stuff. It will get better, but since it is something that you are having a problem with more than your man, just take the bull by the horns and get rid of the stuff you don't want to see anymore yourself.
Or, if you want...sell it. If she doesn't have it or want it, then maybe she won't miss it? I wish I would have sold BM's 20 bottles of expensive perfumes that were used once.
Most of the things that
I can totally understand. My
I can totally understand. My house used to be the ex's as well. She only lived there 6 months but it still irrtates me sometimes to think of her using the shower or the sink or the dishwasher. We changed pretty much everything except for the house. I found that redoing the bedroom really helped. Sometimes I always buy things that I like and put them in the house and it makes me feel better. Also put some pictures in frames around the house. That feels really good because then when I look around the house I see our memories and happy times. And it's not too expensive either.
I really like the pictures
I really like the pictures idea.
Eventually we will be moving out of here, it's just a question of when, so we don't want to put too much money into redoing the walls or floors just yet. Right now it's just replacing little, affordable things but it makes a big difference.
Maybe the next time we go do errands we can pick up some little picture frames. I would like that, and in all honesty I think DH would too. I have some of the kids from the most recent visit that we could put up, too - that way I don't have to use pictures she took. Is that petty? Maybe, but I think I'm generally friendly enough with BM - let me have my petty moment when it comes to the house.
He sounds great. My DH gave
He sounds great. My DH gave me carte blanche to change anything, then flipped out when I started to do that. Now a year and a half later, if is starting to feel like my home. I have a room/office of my own and that helps me. I have painted every room in the house. Taken all the wall paper down. Made him buy some new furniture and added in my stuff. Had to buy a new bedroom set, since neither of us were comfortable with using the others. I removed every picture in the house that she was in. I put up mine. That helped. But, sometimes it still fees like you described. Especially when she gets mail here. He has gotten smarter and now tosses it before I see it.
Best advice if you can't afford much is to paint. It makes a hell of a difference and starts to make you feel like you have your touch on the house. We recently had all the windows and doors replaced. We had to. So I took advantage and picked out windows that I liked. One was 5K, but beautiful and something she would never have picked. She had no taste. Now the house looks great and the yard has actual landscaping. I love to garden and this has been a must for me. You just need to find things you can do and make them your own. Let us know how it goes.
Ahh THE MAIL! I put a huge
Ahh THE MAIL! I put a huge note in my mail box one day saying, "BM FIRST NAME LAST NAME DOES NOT LIVE HERE! HER CORRECT ADDRESS IS ___"
Haven't seen a shred of mail for her since.
LOL That's funny.
LOL That's funny.
Oh wow, I would be pretty
Oh wow, I would be pretty pissed too! I'm glad you finally got his attention though. The kids don't need to live in a false reality where nothing in their parents' lives are different - embracing a positive change is a GOOD thing.
Good for you for making your point.
Well, we picked up a couple
Well, we picked up a couple things tonight and had a nice dinner.
The little things we did get helped a lot and the fact that there are a couple more we plan on doing helps a lot, too.
I think, since we will eventually be moving and it's just a question of when we'll be able to, we're going to slowly replace things as we pack. A lot we could sell - it's in good condition, but neither of us want it around and BM has already had her pick of what she wants from their old furniture - so we can put some of that money towards new items.
I suppose, too, we do still have a wedding coming.
It's a little into the future right now but it'll get here, and I'm sure we'll get some new items then, as well.
Thanks for the replies! I'm glad I'm not crazy to feel that way.
DH got the house in the
DH got the house in the divorce so when I moved it - that's where I went. It bothered me to no end that it was their home. However, the added house baggage was that when she was cheating and my DH was out of town, she moved her BF into the house - so all our neighbors knew. Plus I swear every member of DH's family had lived in that house. He swore that someday we'd buy a new place. Well someday wasn't coming fast enough and then we found out we were pregnant. I cried for days at the thought of bring our baby home to that house. So I think my nest gene completely understood what I really needed and instead of cleaning my house to prepare for the baby - I lived with contractors for like 7 months. I had everything done but the kitchen. I had our bathroom completely gutted down to the studs and done just the way we wanted, every room was painted, the nursery was painted, I had crown modling put in, a new front door, new windows. I even had the popcorn scrapped off the ceiling. Needless to say our DS came home to that house but I was much more comfortable since, I felt like I had banished all the demons of the house. We just bought a new house in Decemeber so this baby (that's coming in 7 weeks) will be coming home to our new house and DH is so thankful that I'm not quite nesting to the extreme this time.