Am I wrong to be upset
This weekend was my babyshower held in my home town. My sister flew in from across the country for it. I am 32 weeks today & was dx as anemic and have felt run down the last 3 weeks. I caught a cold from ss 9 that turned into a sinus infection & bronchitis & had beem miserable all week.
SS9 had baseball fri night & because it was at night, under the lights & he was to pitch we didn't get to go up as planned so I could see my sister Friday. ( I was going to drive up alone the 2hrs & DH & kids come the next day, but because I don't feel real well & don't get a lot of sleep because of coughing, being able to breath & peeing 20 times a night I am very tired) So SS got screwed by coach & didn't get to pitch & DH & he were in bad moods. We drive up & I am barely on time because we were up so late. DH & boys drop me off & go do something in town & when he comes to pick me up he is still in bad mood & none of them had eaten & it's 3pm & they don't want to eat any of the left overs or funeral food as DH called it. ( this from a man who eats a freakin ham sandwich every day) So they have to go through Mc D's drive through.
Now here is the part I am upset about. As we lay in bed that night at my parents, he proceeds to tell me he isn't excited about the baby like I am. He then blames his insomnia on worrying about everything he told me would be fine. ( $$$/daycare ect..) He was the one who told me he wanted to have a baby with me before we got married. I had accepted the fact I would remain childless when we met. He then goes on with a month by month run down on all the trials we have had since last February & how that affects him ( my ectopic pregnancy & depression over that baby & my inability to get pregnant again, his back injury ect...) and then says it's kind of like wanting another puppy & then deciding you don't want the dog you have. WTF!! How maybe it isn't fair to the boys because we won't be able to take them to as many special events or trips ect... ( he was barely making it financially when I met him, it is my income that pays for extras!)He started in on how he doesn't want them to feel like he loves the baby more then them or for the baby to be taking away time wise & financially from them. He then rolls over to go to sleep while I lay crying. 10 minuets later he say, I want to go home & sleep in my own bed ( btw it's freakin midnight ) We ended up talking it through, but I am still so upset by this.
I just can't believe he held this in for so long & then dumps it on me. I just wanted to be able to enjoy mine & the baby's day with the people who have known me my entire life w/o having freakin little league baseball taking precidence and then my dh making me feel like my baby is a mistake. I have almost died in my quest to have a baby & I could have done it all on my own & be living in my big beautiful house that I sold so we could live in his fixer upper ( our mortage is quite a bit higher and the difference between my old mortgage & this one is actually what day care will run. I moved because it is 5 minuets from the boys house & dh would not have been able to have them after school. I would never have made him have to choose)Dh is always trying to live up to what I had material wise before, it is him not me that focases on that. Material goods do not make you happy!!!
I am just feeling so lost & down today. I have waited forever for this. Earlier in the day my mom & I had been looking at my 4d u/s & I was marveling how absolutely beautiful he is & how I can't believe that I have something so wonderful growing inside me.
Am I being a big baby about this?
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That was just wrong in my opinion.
I am sorry. I am not pregnant and that hurt me. You poor thing. I want to know what was he thinking whether or not you two have worked it out or not is not the issue. He already said how he feels and no amount of sorry or I didn't mean it will take that hurt away. It took his sperm to help you make this baby and I think his comments about your child could have stayed locked in his vault. It was very rude. And to be honest this child will be loved no more no less by him. I have two children and when I was pregnant with my son all I could think is how can I love this child like I have my daughter, and I was told that all mothers ask that and that once that baby is here its instant and that you do not love the first one more or the second more. You love each of them the same. And its true.
Sweetthing I would come and smack him for you.. I am again so sorry.
This baby is yours truly. And I am happy you are having this baby I think you are going to have so much joy.. You have my support for sure. Hugs to you...
Happy
" make sure you tell the people you love most EVERYDAY.. Its important not only for them to know but for you to tell.. Life is to short to be miserable..
HI Sweetthing
I am so sorry you are going through this right now. I, too, am 32 weeks pregnant (congrats by the way). I have also had a horrible pregnancy and am feeling so exhausted and can't imagine hearing what you just did.
Unless your husband is a total jerk...which I doubt that he is..chances are you loved how he treated his kids and that is why you are pregnant today....he will love this baby as much as his first. We had a baby less than 2 years ago...my SD is 6...and my hubby loves them both. It does strengthen the family because your SS will love being at your home to interact with the new baby...even more when they become toddlers.
My guess is you both are exhausted...it is a trying time for everyone. I agree with Happy he should have kept those thoughts locked away...I am sure they are not his true feelings but rather ones at that moment.
Hopefully, he apologizes and you can move forward...life won't be the same....posessions won't matter nearly as much and having a happy family. Try to enjoy!!!
Good luck
I'm crying 4 u!
Perhaps he is just confused and feeling overwhelmed about the baby and his added responsibility....although that's still not a good reason for him to feel that way......or to express it to you...when someone feels something so mean like that, they should keep it to themselves....it's selfish of him to feel that way....he needs to grow up. Enjoy your baby, with or without him.
Damn, I'd be crushed!
NO! You're not wrong to be upset, Sweetthing! I'd be devastated. I myself am almost 34 weeks along now and what with the exhaustion of pregnancy and the added stress of step-life, I absolutely need 100% of my fiance's love and support. Without it, I'd just fall apart. You have sacrificed so much for his family and he's being this selfish? I'm trying to figure out where this is coming from. Could it be that this is more about his health problems and his fear of not being there for ANY of his sons? I think it's deeper than we realize. I hope you get to the bottom of this. I'm so sorry you're going through this at what is supposed to be a happy and joyous occasion for you!
Hang in there - we're here for you!
Had that been me...
I'd gotten up from the bed, and slept on the couch! I tell you, that was absolutely selfish on his behalf, 100% selfish. But, that's what a lot of men do... they are creatures of habit, and anything that alters or interrupts their pattern, they become instant flight risks, I tell you. The biggest babies to 'change'. And having a baby is just that, a change of family dynamics. So, what do they do, talk right out of their a$$ and don't even realize what they are saying.
I diffidently believe that, as sour as it may be, he took his frustrations out on you because he was upset over something else. Unfortunately, my DH does this ALL THE FREAKIN time... and somehow, he claims 'it's my fault'... yeah, let's see. I made the vcr stop recording the 'game' on purpose because I figured that I could use a good belittling session... mind you that I did it with my brain while we were all there sitting AT the game. Arggh...
What I would do now, is that when the air is clear, you need to explain to him how and what exactly it was that he said that made you upset. Don't get all emotional about it, but sometimes a good kick in the rear is just the thing to get them refocused on what REALLY is important. In fact, there was a comment that my DH made a few years ago about how he hated his life, hated the house, hated this and that. Well, I got sick of the pity me session, and I just looked him square in the eyes and said. You know, how very selfish of you. That was mean, selfish and just plain vicious to say such things to me. Why, I'm a part of 'this life' you so hate, and I certainly don't hate it... why, because you're a part of MY life. So, because you hate your life, Your house, YOUR this and that, I have NO PLACE in your life... because it's pretty obvious that the life WE share isn't about US... but you.
And out the door I went...
Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...
Thanks ladies!
I am still feeling hurt & irritated with him. My husband is a good man & I love him dearly. He is someone who could use some additional patience. Lately he has been very short and it is starting to getr old.
I work from hom today so essentially I could get two additional hours of sleep. He had a melt down over the sound of my dog licking her feet at 6am this morning.( he had taken off his cpap other wise he would have never even heard it.) Heck her bed is on my side & I wasn't bothered. I ended up getting up & letting her out so he would just shut up. He did a couple other things that made additional work for me during the next half hour that just irked me too. Then he wants to know whats wrong because I am quiet. One, I am trying to rest & 2 I can have a really rotten temper which I have learned to curb over the years. If I said the first words that come to my mind, no one would ever have anything to say to me. Plus he is leaving for work... this isn't the time to discuss anything.
AFter everything that was said the other night I am really afraid that our having a baby together is going to be the end of our marriage. Don't think that I regret my baby, because I love him so much already & he is not even here. It's funny because I know the attitiude of some of our DH's ( mine included) is don't ever make me choose between us & their children. Well I feel that way about this baby.. and I am so crazy in love ( maybe not as much at this moment ) with my husband I can't imagine my life w/o him.
My other irritation is this weekend is our 1 year anniversary, he has to work ( no big deal) however the next weekend he wants to take the kids to my parents cabin and the following he has planned a get away for us. I don't really want to do either. The weekend with the kids will be a lot of work for me, plus I have to ask to use the cabin w/o my family there ( I have no real desire to spend a weekend w/ my brothers kids right now. One is going through a horrible phase, or may just really be a big beast I am not sure yet) I have to grocery shop, pack ect... and I just don't have the energy. Plus there is a big event in their town so traffic will be awful. In 15 years I have gone home for fathers day once & it took twice as long to get there. Sitting in traffic in the car is not something I care to do at 34 weeks. I have a low baby that sits on my bladder all day as it is.
Our get away weekend it is the same..packing, riding in the car for several hours (PLUS I don't feel like spending the money) and I am not really comfortable in my own bed these days sleeping else where isn't really appealing. If I felt better it would be different, but I just want to stay home and be with him.
I know if I tell him this he will be upset. The kids weekend he will feel like we let them down & it is just the beginning of the baby ruining things and the other because he planned a romantic get away & I don't want to go. I took the day off cleaned house & went to lunch with my sister & shopping yesterday & that wore me out. Both these weekends back to back I know are going to be way to much for me.
I know this isn't totally step related but I don't care to share this with my friends or family.
Don't Be Afraid Of Getting Him Upset
If your dh gets upset so what, thats something apparently he needs to work on and control. So let him know that you are tired and would like to skip it this year. Pregnancy is sometimes difficult, and you don't need any added stress and sounds like you need more rest. Make him aware of that.
As for being upset about his reaction, I can understand that but these are his true feelings; fair or not. He should be a man and keep them in but this is not about you being pregnant, or starting a family. You are seeing how he holds up in the marriage when there are bumps in the road. I just get the feeling a lot is about him and his children. How about if you cut out the sports and extra's to pay for the babys daycare ect. I probably would have blasted him with that!
And how about if his kids spend more time at bm's to relieve some of the pressure? Not only would I be happy to be having my own family, I would be planning to have another in a few years, so your child has a brother or sister. I think you will tire of stepping on egg shells, and be thankful you had your own family. Sometimes we learn who are spouses are under pressure, and what they are made of. I also think men who expect their spouses not to have children after they've had their own is beyond selfishness, and women should not get duped into that. If a man really doesn't want children then he doesn't have to have sex or can get fixed. So just be happy, and realize its his loss if he doesn't wake up. Talk to him, but after that if nothings changed; drop it but make your own family plans and put away your money. Above all strive to be happy, and don't let his sour grapes get on you. You can steer the boat afterall.
Men just don't get it sometimes
I think that is why we bare children and not them. Hang in there only 7 weeks to go. My husband said last night, as well, he can't wait for the pregnancy to be over. It is hard on everyone and even harder on us. No sleep..still trying to work, maintain a household, look after other little ones. It is hard.
Maybe he can find something else to do with the kids....since it is father's day maybe he can just spend sometime with them. You need rest right now. You want to stay positive because we are feeding our babies our thoughts and feelings as well.
Good Luck
Why don't you just have him
take the kids, and you stay home?
I have no hesitation to tell my DH that when I'm tired, I'm tired, and I don't want to do anything, I don't budge on it, and he's learned that when I say I don't plan on going... he knows enough to leave me alone because he knows... I'm tired. But there is NOTHING to stop him from going and I let him know that. At first, he would get upset, but know, he's learned that he doesn't need permission to go do things, just as I shouldn't ever need permission to stay home. So, I agree with Tyra on this one... and I also think that anonymous makes some great points... see not all anonymous posters are bad people...
Tell him like it is, and if he gets upset... so be it. You don't have to explain your actions to him, but just explain to him that you're growing a spleen today, tomorrow will be a lung, and the next day will be the other lung... so you're tired.
Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...
Sweetthing - I have been
Sweetthing - I have been thinking about you, and went back to catch up on some blogs..and came across this...
Oh Honey!!! Hugs and hugs and hugs to you....
Your DH is being a dink. I am sure he is a wonderful man, but as someone said above, you both are exhausted and scared.
He shouldn't have said that to you... laid all that on you. But I believe he is running on fear right now. And possibly anger. Anger to hold back the fear.
He's helpless. And he feels guilty. All of his "failures" of his commitment to his first children are coming out. It's not right, but we can't help how we feel.
Just know that you are both at wits end and need to treat each other with kid gloves. And this is something that maybe you can actually discuss with him.
You are close enough to the "finish line" to be antsy about getting there and scared about getting there both at the same time. Once you have the baby, and the boys are so excited about their new brother - like you have written in past blogs, I think things - and your husband - will calm down.