OLDEST ADULT STEPDAUGHTER DRIVING ME INSANE
I married my husband 2.5 years ago - we met 5 years ago after the death of his first wife. I have 3 adult step-daughters - ages 23, 27 and 29. The oldest is the problem. From what my husband tells me she has always been sort of the clumsy or dorky one in the family. The other girls are hard workers, college graduates, great jobs. The oldest got her associates degree in elementary education but was fired from the first 3 places she worked after a couple of weeks. She has a very "attention seeking personality" and I believe her to be narcissistic. She always calls her father and yells that her sisters "were the spoiled ones and get everything" "We like them the best" Meanwhile she just had a baby and her husband makes minimum money to support them. She has a job in retail with only a few hours a week. She tells her dad that we discriminate against she and her husband "because they don't have money." Her husband has been offered chances at higher paying jobs (where he could double his money) but has turned them down. They are both unmotivated and want us all to give them things. After the birth of her baby - my husband's parents took them bags of groceries and baby formula due to their situation. These two ingrates gave away the groceries (kept the baby formula) and I quote "We won't like that kind of food - I can't believe grandma gave us this type of food" REALLY! I wanted to drive over and choke the ungrateful sh*t! It seems these two always have money to go out to eat as she posts on Facebook every 5 minutes. Here's my recent issue - I had a Facebook account but inactivated it because of the oldest. She sends me messages and phone texts that I am mean to her and I never comment and praise her and the baby but I do for everyone else! She also calls her dad to get together because she wants us to take she and her husband to dinner and pay for it! I can't stand to be around her for 5 minutes!! I would love any insight on step-parenting because I am new at this. I am a very loving and generous person but can't stand to buy gifts for her because she doesn't thank me for them which my mother always taught me to write a note and mail after any gift. I am rattling on - I could talk for hours about things Step 1 has done but won't here - PLEASE HELP! Thanks for hearing me vent!
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29? Cut her off, period.
29? Cut her off, period. She's married, has a child of her own. There's no need for you or your husband to allow her to continue harassing you over anything.
Simply say NO and if you keep saying NO, she'll get it and go away!
My DH has been saying no for
My DH has been saying no for 2 years now. He is still getting requests for money, but it seems to be slowing down a bit. You are so right-saying no is the only way. It is hard for my DH, but even if his kids were nice (they are horrible), we don't have the money that they want. They seem to think he exists to support them (thank you, BM!). I hope someday, they will completely stop asking.
SD is 27, and after years and
SD is 27, and after years and years of being told no, her requests have finally slowed down. DH still expects them, though. That part never stops, lol.
I have the spoiled SD taking
I have the spoiled SD taking space up in my head too so I hear you and feel your pain! It is annoying beyond belief to hear the whining and the whinging about how unfairly they are treated and how everybody else gets more than them - all the while with their hands out and a snark on.
The others are right though - do your best to ignore it all. Stay pleasant but keep your distance. Nothing more you can do. Watch out as she WILL try and turn the others against you once she realizes you are firm. Just keep on keeping on.
They don't change, people like this. She'll always be lazy and entitled. Cope with the frustration of it all by laughing inside whenever karma lands a left hook on 'er.
You are SO right-she will try
You are SO right-she will try to turn her siblings against the OP. My DH's kids do not get along with each other, but they are completely united in their hatred of me. And all I have done is cooked for them, taken them to dinner, and offered to help with resumes and applications. NO MORE.
Susanelf, My DH's 3 kids are
Susanelf,
My DH's 3 kids are younger (19-23), but they are all terrible. They sound much like your SD. Unless DH is giving them money or buying them something, they want nothing to do with him. It got to the point they became so nasty and wanted so much, that he stopped. Now, he barely hears from them, unless they need cash. He never gets thank yous or kindness from them. Their mother is very cold and has no compassion, and they are just like her. It is sad, but I have learned I cannot do much.
However, before DH and I married last year, I made it perfectly clear that they are NEVER moving in here, and we are not giving them money. Not a dime. We have tried and tried to help them, and basically, they just want to lie on the couch and play video games all day. One was recently arrested, and the other 2 are just as bad.
The key is that your DH has to be on the same page as you. Like ybarra said, if he is forking over stuff to SD, there is not much you can do. Unless it is affecting your finances.
Your SD is not going to change. Her grandparents should never buy her anything again. If they do, then they are fools. My MIL tells us to give the "kids" money because they will "learn to love DH." :jawdrop: As bad as they treat her and us, she feels DH "owes" them simply because they are his blood5e2t. Luckily, DH has been ignoring her crap. She not only forgets how bad they are, but we cannot afford to support them. We would need multiple jobs. They refuse to work.
If you want your Facebook account back, reinstate it, and block SD. I would not buy her anything. Let DH handle her.
I was raised to be kind, too, but my DH's kids do not seem to have inherited his compassion and kindness. I was appalled when I first met them, but now, I just forget about them. As long as DH keeps the boundaries in place, and keeps his promises to me, we will be fine.
It is frustrating, I know.
As the others have said,
As the others have said, ignore ignore ignore. No matter what you do or say, she will always be miserable. Block her from your phone, don't buy her gifts. My own SD27 is horrendous with the "me me me" attitude, so I do understand. It's very freeing to just let it all go. There is no "step parenting" to do here.
The best advice I have is to
The best advice I have is to check out The Adult Stepchildren Issues forum on this site. You're not alone.
You can't control what she
You can't control what she does or doesn't do. If you and your DH are consistent in your response (or lack of response), you can feel good about that. She can be as miserable and unhappy as she wants to be and blame everyone else for her problems if she wants to. But you don't have to spend your emotional energy listening to it--you can't fix it, so why let it take up space in your head? You can learn to shrug it off. Be grateful you have two other steps who are self sufficient and responsible though!
Imprint this in your brain -
Imprint this in your brain - these are not your stepchildren - they are your husband's spawn (oops I mean children).
They are all adults. Parenting is over. They are what they are.
The one who is giving your trouble is a married adult with a child. and NOT YOUR PROBLEM.
Forget any ideas you might have had about having a relationship with her. Put her on invisible. Do not talk to her, text her, email, or even send smoke signals. In a kind way change the subject if your DH wants to discuss her. Block her on FB. Don't listen to any complaints she has about you. Make it impossible for her to talk to you directly and tell anyone who wants to pass on messages that you don't want to listen to it.
Your goal is to just remove her from your life as much as possible. Think of her as your 3rd grade teacher's 4th cousin twice removed. In other words pretty much invisible in your life.
I have a worthless (although not unkind) SS27. I just pretty much try to forget that he exists. His life is often in shambles because of alcohol and drug issues - but not my problem.