Sucking it up to save your marriage..........
I have come to terms with that and luckily for me, early on. The arguments my spouse and I have had is over the step daughter and I want a happy married life.
I am newly married with a 10 yr old SD who has been a coddled child, used to getting her way, never been told to pick up after herself, put her dishes away, clean her room. Her bathroom habits are dubious at best. She is told to do something and then procrastinates or just plain doesn't do it and lies about it. Manipulative and attention seeking, she cries at the drop of a hat and always plays the victim. Other than that, she is rather sweet and not a "bad kid". It is really not her fault, but that of my spouse who has let her get away with far too much for too long.
I came into the family unit essentially blinded to what would later become very annoying. You know, the honeymoon phase with the kid. Getting to know her. Spoiling her a bit. Wanting her to really like me. And she does like me very much. And she can be quite loving. Her habits, however, have encroached upon my personal space. I was feeling like an outsider in my own home and getting in a bad mood...a lot...which disturbed the harmony and love life with my spouse. Uber sensitive to anything I would say about the perfect little girl I was left wondering if it was just me.....
I can't say that my spouse puts me before the kid and even said " I will always take her side" but it has gotten better over the last 4 weeks with my spouse paying attention to her bad habits. I had a few slip ups of not holding my tongue and the rest of the time was essentially moody and feeling like a boiling volcano. And then it came to a head. My spouse screamed at me. The love of my life said he was at his "wits end" and can't go on like this. It scared me and woke me up especially about my moodiness and I came to the conscious decision THEN AND THERE to not say anything again about his little girl. If I want my marriage to last, I have to suck it up and detachment would be the best option I think. Flies in the face of what I truly feel is my obligation to raise her right but I guess I am putting my spouse before that. Letting him handle things is feeling better the more he does it. I just step over her clothes and don't spend any extra time engaging her. That is my plan.
Can anybody weigh in on this???? Thanks.
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It's damn tough to do...
It's damn tough to do... Every single arguement that DH and I have had is either of the SS or SS's egg donor BM. She is such a royal pain to deal with and it pisses me off and then I won't hold my tongue because I'm a very opinionated person which makes DH mad bc he not only gets it from me, but also from BM because we share custody- We have SS 4- 4 days and BM has him 3 days a week- there are a lot of bad behaviors going on w/ SS such as getting kicked out of daycare for flipping tables and chairs and punching staff and children- until we have a pscyh eval and he gets either meds or a TSS/BSS- he can't go back- which of course makes things extremely difficult for us(I have swing shifts at one job and school hours for another-and DH works m-f 7-3 at one job and normally a 24 hour shift at another)- in finding a sitter-
I have tried to bite my tongue but then DH asks whats wrong- and gets mad that I won't speak my mind so I speak my mind and then DH gets pissed at what I have to say- so now I'm just venting everything on here in my blog- kind of gets it all off my chest- and has been helping with me to keep my tongue- since I am able to at least kind of vent here...
I completely understand that I love these two guys in my life more than anything in the world and have been involved in SS's life for close to 4 years now. I really try hard to be disengaged in everything but since I've been involved so much in the past and since such a young age, it is really difficult to try to detach- so that doesn't work for me- but I think DH is finally figuring out that I too have a right to be pissed about everything that is going on at this time- because it is affecting me too- however- I have learned not to talk to DH about it- or to anyone that he knows-
I have a friend who is also a SM that I have been venting to which has really helped as well because we both are dealing with the same type of situation. She and her fiance luckily just got awarded full physical custody and 75% legal (confused on the legal thing) but the BM in that situation is allotted every other weekend for visitations and has been refusing that recently so they are going back to court again to fight to have mom completely removed from the daughter's life- which would be awesome for them! So I have hope and prayers that the same can eventually happen for us too!
It is certainly not an easy thing at all to deal with, you just have to keep your faith- and use this place as a great resource and venting area!
I made conscience decision
I made conscience decision myself. I saw that DH and I were taking our prospective corners in a boxing ring when it came our children and we were damaging our relationship. I wrote DH a letter and said that we were going to be a parent to our perspective children and that neither of us was going to parent the other's children, nor complain to each other about the skid's not living up to each of our standards. I gave him the reason that all of this negativity was causing us to not focus on our marriage.
It's been a couple of months now, DH and I are doing so much better. I personally, like to have a clean home and right now, the skids room's are a pig sty. DH and the skids are on a vacation and I would normally want to clean their bedrooms to "help them out", but it isn't going to happen. Things that are left around the house, go into their room. I let the mess become their problem and I have learned there is a reason for bedroom doors. I don't have to look at it if I don't want too
This.
This.
@surfchica-omg how these
@surfchica-omg how these stories reflect so much how I feel at times, I also decided not to get too involve with my twin ss and I am to the point that I am detached from them. I am just not going to let them take so much control over me, so my plan is when they around get busy gym shopping everything possible that I can do-more busy with life so I don't be so focus about them or even better yet worry about them. For now is may be a good choice, need time to figure this out. @hadenough5 hope in time it will fall into places because like you this tug war is wearing me down, let see what happens.
Sueu2 it was a bitter pill to
Sueu2 it was a bitter pill to swallow indeed. I could have made more of it at the time but we were already fighting about other things ( all due to the SD of course). I am not excusing this statement by any means. I just prefer to lay low with it for awhile and see what happens when he gets fed up with all her bullshit yet to come. She is a little liar and he has caught her a few times with minor stuff. Wait until it gets bigger. He really sees the situation as me vs his daughter and me out to get his daughter I guess. As far as I am concerned he is going to be all alone on it when she gets to be a teenager. I am gonna be the fun step mom with the attitude " yeah go ahead...go out with your boyfriend". Sort of WTFC. Don't worry Sue, I am going to seek counseling on my own to process all of this.
As I write this now, the SD is upstairs being bathed by my spouse. I am in the living room looking at about 4 stuffed animals on the couch, her dirty school clothes on the couch, her cast she was wearing ( she sprained her ankle allegedly) and it was taken off today. The cast is flung on the sofa that my spouse sits on. I am not touching any of it. Upstairs she has taken her underwear off and flung them in the hallway. She will undoubtedly drop her towel wherever when she is done with it and not drain the bath water. Something even far more alarming is that she may have started her period today. Spouse found some blood on her underwear. She can't even wipe her own bum without residue. How is she going to handle a period? OMG.
As for bitter and resentful, and in answer to all the other responses ( THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH for those), it is a game of wits I think. Honestly I did have this epiphany that if I don't change my attitude my marriage will be ruined. I was bitter. I let go of that and meant it this time. It is amazing how it worked. Prayed a lot too. My spouse already knows the deal. I told him a few weeks ago that I am going to stop feeding her. She complains about everything I make. I am going to stop bathing her ( he can tell I didn't want to do that anyway and I was making her do it herself...water...getting in and out...everything). I am not going to pick up after her or clean her room the way I used to. I am not going to tuck her in bed. It is all on him. Now I will drive her here and there as a favor to my spouse. Anything I do is a favor to him. But I am drawn the line on the above.
She is 10. A mandatory 8 more years I guess. As she gets older, my lovely spouse is going to be put through some hell. I am going to stand by and watch it all. I have detached from the little thing, keeping a smile on my face and pretending to be interested. All I care about is my spouse.