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I didn't sign up for this!

superwoman315's picture

Submitted by superwoman315 on Tue, 03/09/2010 - 6:46pm

Marrying someone with "baggage" is definately challenging to say the least, but DANG, I didn't sign up for this! LOL! I just dont know what to do at this point. I'm one year into my new marriage and I never anticipated feeling this lonely, resentful, bitter, angry and hopeless. I married a great guy w/3 kids from a previous marriage. I come with 1 child from my 1st marriage. Our kids get along and hubby and I are excellent providers for the kids. What we are not is the favorites though. We run a tight ship and believe that children should grow up in a structured and stable environment with rules and boundaries.
Unfortunately my hubbys' BM is less than excited about her kids having a step mom and has tried everything in her power to make our lives harder. She badmouthes my hubby and myself to her kids and she's just the classic toxic ex. It's hard enough raising someone else's kids but to have to deal with another child-like adult as well is just too much. My hubby is caught in the middle of all this trying to please everyone but no one is happy. Ya know, I knew all of this would be tough going in, but what i didnt count on was it breaking me down. I didnt anticipate doubting myself and my ability to be a good wife and step mom. I hate how I have no say in my step kids life, whereabouts or activities, yet I'm the one providing, supporting and financing all these things. I have often felt used and unappreciated in many ways. I feel like I just cant win in this situation and I can no longer call myself superwoman, cuz im human and cant really handle all of this drama in a productive way. I have come to resent my hubby, his kids and his BM in a bad way. Sometimes I wish I could ditch them all and just be alone cuz thats how I feel anyway. I'm glad I stumbled across this site because, I realize that im not alone in my feelings. I felt a massive amount of shame and guilt for feeling this negatively about my family. Feeling like you hate your step kid is one of the worst, most shameful feelings I've ever felt. I'm not saying its right, but I'm saying it's just how I feel. My hubby told me there's something wrong with me if I hate a child. I really began to think I was going crazy. What I realized was that I'm human and I'm not going to feel good about a kid constantly disrespecting me and challenging my authority. Maybe hate is a harsh word, but it was the only word that caught my hubby's attention. I commend all the step parents out there for taking on such a difficult job all for the sake of love.

Comments

KJMom's picture

Submitted by KJMom on Tue, 03/09/2010 - 6:55pm

Hi Superwoman! I just found this website a few days ago also! It made me feel so good to see that I am not alone in my feelings!! I feel the exact same way as you do...."lonely, resentful, bitter, angry and hopeless." I also feel negative feeling for my SD so don't beat yourself up for the way that you feel, you are not alone!!
Glad to meet you Smile {{HUGS}}

stepmom2one's picture

Submitted by stepmom2one on Tue, 03/09/2010 - 7:59pm

Remember that the first year of marriage is the hardest in blended families....it takes awhile to get a groove and teach yourself what works best for your situation.

I have been with DH for 7 yrs and married for 2. It took up intill 1 1/2 yrs ago for me to get into what works best for me. And I feel like I have been set free! My SD10 is just a blip on my radar and BM no longer exists in my world. I am indifferent to her....and SD too at this point.

Try some different things and see what works best for you and your new blended family. These things take time, lots of time.

superwoman315's picture

Submitted by superwoman315 on Wed, 03/10/2010 - 12:38pm

wow ladies, thanx for your support and suggestions. See this is why were all here so we can help each other out. It feels good to know that im not going mad or that im not alone.

have any of you ever just turned into someone you have grown to dislike very much? do u ever wonder what the heck happened to your spirit, your positive attitude and all your hopes and dreams for the future w/this new person and his children. How can your good intentions turn into total detachment and bitterness?

I'm trying to find my way back to the person I was before I was traumatized by all this step parent stuff. I know I will never be the same, however I would love to be more accepting and patient. I want to be able to manage my stress and my family better and more productively.

lovelovelove's picture

Submitted by lovelovelove on Wed, 03/10/2010 - 2:29pm

Wow...I could've written this myself. I have been in my situation for almost 2 years now and have written many blogs and comments on here. I have 2 SD's, who are now 13 and 15 and a CRAZY, adulterous, in the closet lesbian BM that has made mine and DH's life a living hell...and that is putting it very mildly.

DH and I have been going to counseling together and seperately and I have also decided to go on medication for depression and anxiety, which I will start taking tomorrow as a matter of fact...because I can take no more.

This has been the only way to make it through the absolute misery that is my life now. The counseling is helping DH and I to work out our issues that have all been caused by the ex and kids. Our marriage had started to deteriorate in a bad way and we almost got a divorce, but we are working it out slowly and DH is becoming more and more understanding of my needs.

I still feel, however...that I have given up my whole life for this man and his kids, because I have. My therapist has told me that I need to focus soley on myself and my own happiness and let the rest go. She said "None of this is YOUR problem or YOUR baggage...it is DH's. It was all in place long before you met him and you need to let it all GO. Let HIM deal with it." She is SOOOO right. Now that I don't deal with crazy BM anymore, things are getting slightly easier. And with the SD's, I just engage when I feel like it and when I don't, I go and do my own thing.

Let me just tell you, the resentment will ALWAYS be there. I have tried since day 1 to let that feeling go. I resent the fact that DH had a long life with that crazy bitch before me and that he was stupid enough to reproduce with her when everyone KNEW she was a lesbian. I resent the fact that I have to put up with his kids...that he had with HER. (puke)...I resent the fact that DH doesn't want to have kids with me because he already has 2 entitled brats. (I don't have any kids of my own.) I am angry and resentful EVERYDAY and for months and months, I cried everyday wonderinng what the hell I did to my single, care-free life!!

Our counselor says that I need to take a big step back, disengage and decide if this is really what I want...for my life to forever revolve around someone else's ex-family and us to have no family of our own. I haven't decided yet, I am taking it one day at a time. But I know that I am not happy and haven't been since day 1. I have sacrificed everything for this man and have not been appreciated for one second by his kids and crazy ex. I've been appreciated a little by DH, but not as much as I should be. I could have had him move to MY state and live MY life, but instead I changed my whole life for them. And for what? To be shit on forever?? I think not.

She also said, this is what you "bought"...and you can either accept it and stay married, or not accept it and get a divorce. Either way, she says I knew I was marrying a man with kids (little did I REALLY know) and I need to stop blaming DH for everything. And that I need to stop saying that I "gave up everything for him" because it's not helping the situation. That even though I did give up everything for him and his kids, I chose to do it. So, life is not fair...but basically we have to lie in the beds we made for ourselves or get the f*ck out! lol...

I'm so sorry you are dealing with the same pile of shit that I am. I know it hurts and it sucks. It makes you feel so lost and hopeless. I would recommend a really great therapist. Ours is awesome and she is a woman, step and bio-mom and just a really cool, no bullshit kind of chick.

Good luck to you, sweetie. Smile

Love Wink

superwoman315's picture

Submitted by superwoman315 on Wed, 03/10/2010 - 5:37pm

hey girl looks like our lives are identical! LOL! i have a son tho from my prev marriage, but really want to have another child. my hubby would have to get his vasectomy reversed but he's willing to do it (reluctantly). I will most definately take ur suggestion and seek therapy because im at my wits end! sometimes i feel like im not in love w/my hubby anymore, it really sucks.

lovelovelove's picture

Submitted by lovelovelove on Thu, 03/11/2010 - 12:12pm

Sweetie, I know exactly how you feel. I often feel like I'm not in love with my hubby anymore. It comes and goes...but the more we talk to our therapist separately (we were fighting when we went together...lol), the better we are able to communicate our feelings. And the love is coming back slowly. It just takes time and I know you probably feel like you just want out. I feel like that all the time, but I know deep down he is a wonderful man. He just needs a little tweaking (and training!!) It's amazing really, the things that our therapist has been able to help him to change. I mean, these are things that I tried to explain to him that he was doing wrong and he refused to listen. Then when she says the same exact things, he is willing to suddenly try and change them. I'm like, you are SO stubborn!!

Good luck to you!

Love Smile