If you’ve read my previous blogs, you know that during DH’s last mediation with BM, BM contacted DH’s brother and this brother collected information on BM’s behalf. When DH found out and called his brother out on it, his brother said he just “had to get involved because DH is “not respectful” enough of BM and is not putting “the interests of the children” first. DH replied and basically said I’m their dad, you don’t know everything that is going on and I’m asking you to butt out.

DH’s brother didn’t reply and we saw him this weekend for the first time since all this went down. He said something to DH about how he felt bad and DH told him that he should feel bad. They sort of left it at that and didn’t talk much more. It was an anniversary party, so not the place to have a big blow-out.

Today, two days after seeing DH face-to-face, brother calls DH at work (he rarely calls) to share something non-immediate. He then ends the call by saying, “oh, by the way, I asked BM several months ago if I could have your boys for the weekend, but I won’t do it, if you don’t give me permission.” DH told him he’d think about it and then texted me. He was clearly angry, but didn’t want to be the bad guy who said his kids couldn’t go, knowing that they probably already knew about the plans (spoiler alert - one SS will not want to go anyway...). 

After work, he called his brother and said that his brother crossed a line with him and if he did it again, he would cut him off. I’m not sure everything he said, but he told me he thought he “reached” his brother (I’m not convinced and am waiting for MIL to yell at DH for making his brother sad). He also told me he told his brother that he wasn’t going to be the bad guy and his brother was an adult and could figure out what to do about the weekend with the kids. 

I’m proud of DH for standing up for himself. BM has always tried to use DH’s mother and brother to undermine and manipulate him and by playing right into her hands, brother has made it clear that she can continue to do that. DH is also a notorious “people pleaser” who feels as if he needs to be the glue that holds his family together.

DH’s brother bases everything he thinks he knows about DH and BM’s relationship on what BM tells him, he doesn’t even think to ask his own brother what’s going on. He can be okay feeling bad because by sticking his nose in, he only made the conflict worse. He can just sit with that for a while and think about how his meddling impacted his relationship with his brother.