I'm sick of being a stepmom!
Something happened today that wasn't a big deal, but for some reason it just pushed me over the edge.
Last weekend, special snowflake SS came up to me and said, "mom said she would buy a basketball hoop for us to have over here if it's ok." I replied, "well, your dad doesn't really want one and we'd have to talk to the neighbors about it, so that's a nice offer, but we won't take it."
Today, BM texted DH and said, "When the boys came home they told me that you told them it was ok to have a basketball hoop at your house. I want them to have something to do when they are with you, so I'll send one to you."
DH replies and says, "I didn't ask for that. I guess I could pick it up, but we don't need it."
BM says, "I didn't say you asked for it. Just so we're clear, if I pay for it, it would be mine. I know your address so I'll send it to you."
DH tells me about it and I remind him how we told the kids no twice. They asked months ago and DH said no he didn't want it and they asked again this weekend and I reminded them that he had said he didn't want one.
So, DH replies to BM and says "you can keep it. I forgot I told them that I didn't want one here."
BM replies and says, "Wow, really. My husband and I predicted you would do this. Say you'd take it and then go back on it. For your information the boys always tell me how bored they are at your house. I figured you would want something to keep them busy. Also, the boys told me you said it was fine. Why would they say that?"
DH replies, "well, I guess they're just not being honest because they asked me twice and I said no."
BM replies, "They told me you said yes. Give me a straight story instead of trying to scam me."
I'm annoyed by many things in this exchange:
1) I'm annoyed that DH would even entertain the suggestion from her and not ignore it. He was the one who said no when the kids asked for a basketball hoop in May!
2) I'm annoyed that special snowflake SS lied about his dad saying yes (I know DH didn't say yes because I talked to him about it after SS asked me and told him what I told SS). I'm annoyed that as a stepmom, I can't let the kid have it for lying.
3) I'm annoyed that I have to deal with such a juvenile BM. How is it scamming someone to tell them you don't want them to send a basketball hoop to your house. Also, she's not supposed to have our address (she never picks up or drops off the kids and she's crazy, so she's not allowed at our house), but being the sneaky b$tch that she is, she either had one of the kids smuggle the address to her or got it some other way. My SSs don't even know the street address at her house, where they live most of the time, if they can remember ours I'd be amazed.
4) I'm annoyed that my SSs complain about being bored. All we do is entertain them or pay for sh$t for them that they never use. We have many things at our house that they just "had to have" that now sit neglected. I know if we got a basketball hoop it would sit unused in our cul de sac, unless the neighbor kids used it. It would especially sit unused because it is now winter and SSs would tell me it's too cold to go outside. Of course, as a SM, I'm supposed to pretend like I don't mind that nothing is ever enough for my SSs.
Argh! I hate that I get annoyed at all of these things! I'm really starting to dislike the person I've become!
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Comments
If only I were your
If only I were your husband....I would be replying to BM something along the lines of....
Thanks for letting me know that the boys get so bored at my house, I didn’t realize that going to the movies, playing soccer, watching the ball game together, playing on their xbox and building rockets [or whatever they do at yours] was so boring for them. They always look like they are having lots of fun and ask when they can do them next. But now I know that they get bored so frequently I will double their chores and find some extra homework for them to fill their time with. Hopefully that should keep them too busy to get bored. Thanks for the heads up (oh and I can find plenty for them to do so I have no need for the basketball hoop).
And then I would follow through and be giving the boys extra chores and homework for a while, reminding them that it is only because they get so bored at his house.
If only....
Ha! Love it! The boys do
Ha! Love it!
The boys do approximately zero homework now, so even if we moved up to one assignment that would be an improvement. They do have a library of books at our house (courtesy of me and my mother) and both need extra practice in reading. Perhaps, I will reinstitute mandatory reading time to stave off boredom.
Add that you'll be taking
Add that you'll be taking them to volunteer at homeless shelters, etc.... }:)
I say use a little caution.
I say use a little caution. Maybe the kids never said they get bored at your house and it's just BM stoking a fire. And I remember complaining back in the day to my mom that I was bored - I wouldn't take that personally because you don't know where it's coming from or why. Maybe the kid did tell BM that to make her feel better. Maybe he really was bored. So what?
As for BM, she is who she is, which is probably an angry person who still has to deal with her ex because she is tethered to him by kids. And now he has another wife that is probably making her insecure. She is going to pull crap that will drive you crazy. Let your husband deal with her. She's his problem. You're already stuck dealing with his kids and that's plenty.
Your problem is your husband. He needs to keep his head in the game - he's dealing with two women, kids and two households. And he is the pivot person for all that, which was his choice. But you have every right to tell him you made a decision, together, and he must impose it on BM. If he screws up again, keep on him and he will pay more attention to what you decide in the future so he has less hassle all around.
As for this hoop, let her send it. That's on her. You don't have to put it up. Your husband should let her know it will be donated so there's no notion of you "scamming" her for it.
All the rest of this is noise. And there are some good things here. You and husband made a decision together and that's a good sign. That he muffed it after the fact isn't good, but you kept on him. You didn't lay into the kid for lying and that's a good thing for reason stated above. You're doing well. I know you feel bad about this, but give yourself some credit for handling it. You have a long way to go with these kids. Pace yourself.
The boredom comment wasn't
The boredom comment wasn't the thing that really angered me. I'm sure they say they're bored at her house, too. I remember being "bored" at their age. What bothered me was the lying. This same SS has lied before about things we wouldn't get him or things we've supposedly said and done. I know it's not totally him, because he gets his "casual relationship with the truth", as I like to call it, from BM, so she's also adding her own lies.
And yes, my husband is the problem for me. I can't change it that his kids are going to lie, but I can expect him to tell them that's not ok. I can also expect him to not allow BM to make decisions for our house. He doesn't see the basketball hoop as a big deal, but I'd be the one pushing it around to get it out of the way in the event that it snowed, etc. Also, I was the one who asked him about the basketball hoop months ago and he said no to me, so why can't he just say no to her.
My super short answer...
My super short answer... Don’t feel bad and we ALL as Stepmoms have those days... I even have them where I’m so worn out literally anything frustrates the heck out of me. So just keep trekking! You got it! You didn’t do anything wrong.
Thank you! It's helpful to
Thank you! It's helpful to know I'm not alone!
You're definitely not. I've
You're definitely not. I've literally had days where I'm clenching my fists, because even the most innocent things make me feel like I'm gonna blow a gasket. lol
I'm here to talk if you need to chat to another SM with rather irrational angers sometimes!
What the BM did and does is
What the BM did and does is BS? She needs to be put into her place and your DH needs to let her know that she will not be crossing a line again. BM needs to be told that it is your home and you and your DH decide what happens in your home and what you get in your home? BM over here tried the same BS and I told DH that it was going to stop immediately or I was done.
More importantly, I think SSs
More importantly, I think SSs need to be reminded that their mother has no say in our home. These are the same kids who don't tell DH anything about what goes on in BM's home. Last weekend one of them said something and the other angrily yelled back, "we're not supposed to talk about things that go on at home!"
I think they are old enough to understand that we have two houses and their mother has no say on what goes on at this house.
I'm not sure why DH even responded to her. He told me that he responds now because she tells the kids when he doesn't respond and they get all upset. I said, "when they get upset that you don't respond to their mom ask them if their mom ever says one nice thing about you. Your kids get all in a snit that you don't like their mom, but they know their mom doesn't like you, so why can't they just accept that the feeling is mutual."
and did any of the bio
and did any of the bio parents figured out the kids are being typical COD's and playing them?
What's the consequences for these special snowflakes who tries and manipulates the adults?
Is DH going to get to them on the next visit with something like... kids why did you tell mum I said yes if you know I said NO, that's not nice, and seeing you also told mum you are very bored here, there's the rake, shovel, start cleaning the yard, that will keep you busy for an hour, after that we can all wash the windows... clean the garage out... I will work the to the bone, they will fall asleep at 7pm that night... and for an added bonus they will not be allowed to have any screen time due to their manipulative ways
I agree with what Acra is
I agree with what Acra is saying. These kids need to have consequences and be taught what a boundary is.
Of course not! BM swears up
Of course not! BM swears up and down that her kids are honest little angels whenever DH tells her that what they say isn't true. This one SS in question, lies about everything (he's also the kid who is always cheating at board games and has been since before I met him), but of course, whatever he says about DH is accurate, according to BM.
DH tells me he will say something to this SS about lying, but I know he won't. We won't see them for a week and he's afraid to say anything to this SS because BM always tells DH that this SS's little feelings are hurt because DH doesn't praise him enough. This SS didn't want to come over a few times last year (he's PAS'd to a degree), so DH doesn't want to upset him. Should be fun when he's a teenager.
BM is a manipulative PoS, so this kid is learning from the master. My only hope is that he lies to BM over something big or gets caught trying to manipulate her, and then she has to deal with the monster she's created.
StrugglingSM I feel your pain
StrugglingSM I feel your pain ! Dealing with the same issue only now it's with crazy, crazy BM and a car ! SD is a liar who is 100% grounded from using our cars. She has caused $1500 worth of damage in two separate incidents since September and caused an accident in October (still seeing what the guy she hit is claiming.) So, who shows up with a car from BM who knows that even before she got her license that there was to be no car on our property from BM? You guessed it......grounded SD who lied to her mom and said she wasn't grounded. The same BM who RAILED on my DH when he even brought up the the car situation in the summer ("She's not mature, she doesn't work, no teenager is entitled etc."). Same thing with the basketball hoop in your situation. Just another excuse for BM to try to run over your rights in your own house. I am so flipping sick of BM getting involved for her ungrateful daughter who has no life skills at this point because of it, and doing anything she can to not respect our rules. Thank God my husband doesn't deal with her.
Being a SM to my SS is amazing. He is awesome and his mother never focuses on him. However, my SD is a broody, entitled, cold, unapologetic brat whose answer to life is hiding in her room. Being a SM in general is the most horrible, unrewarding , disrespecting job in the entire universe. And no matter what anyone says, it never goes away. It will never get easier when the kids are grown, and the BM stays as psycho as they all are !
That's my fear, that it will
That's my fear, that it will never get better. This SS is question is just like BM. Sees the truth as something to be debated and is totally manipulative. He also continues to have meltdowns over stupid things like bedtime (he is almost 12 and we wanted him to go to bed at 10pm instead of staying up all night watching videos). Right now, whenever anything is hard for either SS, BM swoops in and makes everything better - by removing any obstacles and insulting any people who disagree with her.
The other SS - who is also manipulative, but is more quiet about it - got a C in Language Arts last semester, largely because he didn't hand in multiple assignments. He also had an extra reading class that he got a B in with comments that "student's behavior is negatively impacting his grade." "Student's behavior is preventing him from getting his work done in class." DH contacted BM about this and BM said "I've contacted his teacher to ask about his missing assignments." This was in the last week of the term. What she really did was contact the school to get him removed from that class and put in the resource room. So, now he'll automatically get Bs (like his brother whose grades are all marked "grade adjusted for adaptations") and BM will say how we should praise both kids because they worked so hard and got Bs. They still won't be handing in all of their work, but who cares, right? The SS whose class moved told us, "I'm moving into a higher language arts class." I told him, "I think the language arts classes are all at the same level at your school." Then he told me he was in a class with his brother and some older kids and I realized he was in the resource room. Um, he's in the 6th grade, why did he need to be told he was in a "higher" class?
I'm not sure I'll make it to their high school years...