BM seems immune to self-reflection
Since BM is now responsible for dropping SSs off on Friday of visitation weekend, she will do anything to get out of the drive.
Several weeks ago, she was "at work late" and couldn't drop the kids off, so DH agreed he would pick them up and she could pick them up on Sunday. SSs then decided they wanted to go to the Y after school, so DH picked them up there. Sunday rolls around and BM texts him, "since I drove them to the Y on Friday for you to pick them up, we should meet at the Y on Sunday." DH told her she should just come to our house to pick them up, as agreed. He did not mention that she somehow was able to drive SSs to the Y on Friday, even though her reason for not being able to drop them off was that she had to be "at work late".
This week, she again texts DH on Friday afternoon to tell them he needs to pick SSs up at the Y, she even says, "I'll drop them off at 4:30pm and then you can pick them up at 6pm" (6pm is drop-off time). DH says, "that's fine. I'll work with the kids to arrange a pick-up time."
This afternoon, SSs want to go back to the Y, so DH texts BM and asks if she'll pick them up at the Y if he drops them off there. She replies, "that doesn't make any sense. The Y closes at 6pm, so why would I have to pick them up. Give me the straight story. You just don't want to drive to my house!" Apparently, the 6pm cut-off only applies to DH. If the kids are out on Friday night, as soon as the clock hits 6pm, BM assumes she is no longer responsible. The same does not apply to DH. DH says, "that's fine, but don't text me again next visitation and ask me to pick them up the Y." BM replies with a long diatribe about "SSs always ask me why we can't be friendly with one another. What would you like me to tell them?!"
I have again advised DH to not change the schedule at all...to not agree to any alterations, to not allow his children to propose any alterations. Alterations just give BM another chance to play the sainted martyr. It's fine for her to drop the kids at the Y and expect DH to pick them up, but not for DH to ask her to do the same. He's supposed to drive them to the Y, then drive down to pick them up and drop them off at her house. Meanwhile, if they are at the Y on a Friday, as soon as the clock strikes 6pm, it's also DH's responsibility to drive down and pick them up.
BM repeatedly tells people that I'm "jealous" of her. The only thing I'm jealous of is her ability to get out of any responsibilities and to make herself look like a victim in the process. My only hope is that there are some individuals - other than myself...and maybe every teacher at every school SSs ever attended - can see her for who she truly is.
- strugglingSM's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
So you've heard about
So you've heard about "projection" right? SHE doesn't want to drive to DH's house. SHE is jealous of you. She projects how she feels onto others, since it's intolerable to her to experience herself as being anything other than perfect. And yes, she has no self-awareness. People with borderline traits often don't. It's too hard for them to see anything bad about themselves, because it makes them spiral into feelings of worthlessness. So everything bad comes from someone else.
And yes, changes in the schedule cause conflict. Just stick to it. She agreed to it, or it was ordered. So if she has to work, she needs to find another way to get the kids to DH's home.
As for the kids - when Mom is a victim it's pretty compelling to buy her story and try to protect her. If she's really erratic, they may figure out that she's the problem, but not for YEARS. Like, in their 20s.
Projection
Yes, BM is a projection master. She also regularly tells DH that he's just bitter over the divorce and can't move on.
Yeah, it's kind of funny when
Yeah, it's kind of funny when you think about it - I mean, we all do it to some degree (though those of us without personality disorders project positive traits - so we assume everyone is trustworthy and honest because we are).
In my view, that's one of my
In my view, that's one of my DH's biggest problems, he is always projecting positive intentions on others because that's how he approaches life and it makes him feel good to think other people are "good people". He's trusted so many shady people, including BM, because his focus on "seeing the good" in people blinds him to the bad in people.