Dealing with the "I know you are, but what I am" approach BM takes to everything
To further the long saga of mediation - first demanded by BM in October, but she has refused to schedule since then, alternating between threatening to take DH to court if he doesn't give in to her demands and claiming - through her lawyer - that she now thinks they just can resolve things through a quick phone call - we finally received a letter from BM's lawyer that includes the issues she supposedly wants to mediate.
Still on the list:
- That DH not communicate with her through the children
- That DH stop saying mean things about her
These two are infuriating because for the last four months, all she has done was communicate with DH through the children. She'll text them during visitation and say, "your first flag football game is today! Tell your dad he needs to take you to the field at 10am" or "you need to come home early. Tell your dad he needs to bring you home by 5:30pm."
The second one is just laughable. Every visitation weekend, one SS cries to DH about "why do you hate mom?!" When DH says, "I don't hate your mother" this SS says, "that's not true dad, mom tells us all the time about how much you hate her."
Two other gems that she added:
- They should just blanket agree to the sports she wants to sign the children up for. She shouldn't have to go back to DH for anything other than payment. This is coupled with her previous letter indicating that she never agreed to skiing, so she refuses to pay for it.
-The children's "telephonic access" to their mother when they are with their father. I'm not sure "telephonic access" is really a word, but BM essentially wants to be able to contact her children for the entire time they are with us. These contacts usually include, her telling the children to tell DH what to do, her asking the children if they are okay, the children contacting her when they are upset because DH has yelled at them or won't let them do something they want to and then her sending DH angry texts telling them that the children are "uncomfortable" around him. Mind you, when the kids were small and didn't have cell phones, BM happily went about her business without contacting them at all. At that time, she felt superior to DH because he was single and staying with his mom on visitation weekends, because he couldn't afford a place with enough space for all of them to stay. She would also regularly contact DH at the last minute to tell him she wouldn't be home on Sunday evening, so he'd have to keep the children into Monday. her reasons included - missing her flight, having an early meeting that she "forgot" about, not having heat at her house (when she wasn't home, so not sure how she knew there was no heat). Also, when DH has not allowed them to have their phones, they have talked to BM once a day via his phone. Two check-ins in 48 hours would seem more than enough for two teenagers.
And she still wants to reduce the four days a month that one SS spends with us, because according to her, it's now "traumatic" for him to spend time with DH. Funny, he always seems to enjoy himself when he is not able to contact his mother. This is the same woman who wanted DH to take more weekends a month at the last mediation.
I can't deal with the level of juvenile behavior from this woman. Any more experienced SMs have coping mechanisms that do not include excess drinking or screaming into a pillow? Being a bit sarcastic, but seriously, how do I not let this drive me crazy.
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If they are teens, can't they
If they are teens, can't they just text/call BM whenever they want? Is that monitored somehow? IMO, it shouldn't be, at that age.
She just wants to engage with DH and fight over stuff.
The challenge with them
The challenge with them contacting BM whenever they want is that both she and they use it to disrupt their time with DH.
For example, one SS texts BM whenever he is bored or upset because DH has actually parented, he texts BM to say he wants to go home. Instead of reassuring him and telling him he's fine and he will be ok, she agrees with him that DH is horrible and then texts DH to threaten to come get SS early.
She also regularly tells both kids "tell your dad, you need to do X, Y, Z". This also causes drama, because if DH presents an alternative or says that we can't do X, Y, Z because it doesn't align with our plans, that same SS cries and says he wants to go home.
So, basically, if they have access to our phones, they just become a tool for BM to disrupt, interfere, and manipulate.
This is all not to mention that when DH has called SSs outside of his weekends in the past, BM has accused him of "disrupting her time."
In the grand scheme of things, I'm ready for overly-dramatic SS to stop coming around. If we only had the other SS, who is slightly socially awkward and also manipulative, but whom BM largely ignores, then our visitation weekends would be much calmer. However, he's not my child, so it's not my place to tell BM's sonsband to stop coming around.
Yep, my SS did all of that.
Yep, my SS did all of that. And if you take their phones, BM will say you are alienating her.
DH finally did take SS back to BM's after one of these text exchanges, and he didn't see SS again for years, that was the tipping point into total alienation.
This is parental alienation and no court order will combat it.
Point #3 is hilarious
She wants autonomy and to be above the law in making all decisions regarding their sport activities and send exhubby a bill for his share without consulting him first. But then exhubby can’t have the same power and she chucks a hissyfit
incase you haven’t figured this out already, hcgubm with pas and narcissm are worser than 2 or 3 yr olds. I think my 2 & 3 yr olds are way more respectable and composed than most of these kinds of bio mums.
which brings me to another point.... what on earth was so friggin attractive about them that made our men marry and settle down with them for as long as they did?
Can he tell his lawyer No?
If DH isn't willing to compromise on the issues listed, which he shouldn't be, can he just refuse to go at all?
Our hcgubm is the same way. DH will literally take jail time over mediation with her at this point. Last time they had mediation, he got up and walked out as soon as the bullshit started, which was less than 2 minutes in. BM was humiliated by that. She also still had to pay for her half of the session, and she's a grifter, so that didn't go over well for her. Her first move when they'd arrived was to ask him to pay both halves of the session in her disgusting wheedley voice. As if. If she could get DH to pay the entire session every time, she'd probably drag him in at least once a week. Having to pay herself, in addition to the humiliation that he walks out on it or refuses to attend, she doesn't try this anymore.
DH needs to point out to the mediator that she is being emotionally manipulated. I did that to our GAL and it worked wonders.
But yeah, if she's going to act like a twat and refuse to stick to the issues, DH should walk out.
He wanted to walk out last
He wanted to walk out last time.
His lawyer has assured him that the judge mediating this time doesn't have a lot of patience for people playing the victim, so we'll see. In the months since he's had a lawyer, BM has sent many manipulative, bullying texts and emails, which the lawyer has seen, so my hope is that she calls it out during the mediation. She has already pointed out the "power dynamic" to BM's lawyer several times, as part of her argument that they sit in separate rooms during mediation and allow the lawyers to duke it out with the judge.
BM initially requested a mediation (with no explanation or advanced warning) to DH through the mediation center he used last time and he told them he wouldn't go. That was when BM found a lawyer to write a letter saying she wanted to reduce custody time for one of the SKids (DH only sees him 4 days a month, so she's not about to reduce time with him). That was when we got a lawyer. This is the same BM who wanted DH to take more weekends at his last mediation, because she "needed a break", so she's just playing games, but DH couldn't take a chance that she would reduce his legal rights to the child.
She has no grounds by which to argue that DH should have less time, other than the Skid in question wants to spend time with his friends, instead of his dad.