I recently moved in with my significant other, who has custody of his son. I love ss8, but he gets on my nerves, even when he isn't really doing anything. Some days, I have no problem doing extra stuff for him; some days, I don't even want to see him. Fortunately, I work at night Mon-Wed or Thurs, so I don't see him for three or four days at a time, and then he goes to mom's on Fridays and every other Sat. Sometimes, I don't see him for a week. I like it this way. I like seeing him when I haven't seen him all week. If I had to see him every day, I'd go nuts, at this point, anyway. I have a plan to go to a local bookstore when I need a break. Our bedroom is off limits. That's our/my space. My BF is very supportive of all of this, as he says even he needs a break once in a while. It doesn't make you a bad person. It just sounds like you need some boundaries and rules put into place that are agreed on and supported by your DH.

stressgirl79 I can totally relate. Thank goodness the skids do not live with us (one is 9 the other is 3) or I would have completely lost it by now (I think i'm slowly on my way there though -but still when they come over to visit (at least twice a week) I can feel the anxiety & dread building up before they even arrive. I also go to school & work FT & it seems that whenever the kids are over, they have no idea of respecting boundaries. For example, I will be taking a nap or doing schoolwork in MY bedroom (with the door closed mind you), and the kids will just come barging in and jump up on the bed. Their father says NOTHING about this. Also, if I hear another "OOOH do you know what___(fill in the blank here)___???" I'm gonna scream-I can barely think straight when they are around. Ummm...my time off is so few and far between I just want to enjoy it-in peace!! I've just recently come to the realization that I will need to have a talk with him, b/c if I dont stand up for myself; no one else will. Sad but true. I used to feel like a bad person also for feeling this way (dreading the skids visits, counting down until it was time for them to go back to BM's), but I've come to the relization that it's completely normal to have these feelings.

Whoops, double post

It has gotten to the point that I can't even make eye contact with the skids, they just seem to irk me that much. They really aren't any more annoying than anyone else's kids, my own included, but I am constantly wishing they would GO AWAY.

There was a passage in the book StepMonster that addressed this exactly. If I'm recalling correctly from memory, a SM had written anonymously into one of those "Dear Abby" type columns and expressed that her SKs were not "bad" kids at all, but yet she coudn't help but still wish they would simply disappear so that she could have her family (H & BKs) all to herself. I could totally relate to this because I think there is sometimes an extra amount of guilt a SP can feel when the SP realizes that they logically have no reason to dislike their SKs. I mean, I think when you read some of the stories here of SKs who blatantly disrespect their SPs or are just rotten people in general it's easy to understand why the SP might not like them or want them around, but when that is not the case and you are dealing with kids who a basically "normal", then it's that much harder to understand why a SP can't seem to accept the SKs a part of their "family".

Do you know what I think it is? At the end of the day, when any individual looks at their life in terms of what they may have thought it would be like when they got to where they are now, I would venture to say that MOST people did NOT picture themselves being a SP. Further, if there are other step-related issues that complicate the SP's life (and there usually are, like CS, BM, etc.) that may NOT be specifically attributed to the child's behavior itself I think it's still natural for an SP to attribute these to the child because of the simple logic that if the child was not in the picture then it stands to reason that those issues would more than likely cease to exist.

Anybody else agree with me on this one?

BTW, I also have a very hard time making eye contact with SD12 anymore - I avoid it like the plague because I believe that "the eyes are the window to the soul" and that somehow when she looks into my eyes she'll know once and for all that I don't want her around, and I feel very bad about that!

Growing up, I was always encouraged to hang out with the other kids and let the grown-ups talk or whatever and I now recognize it as a respect thing and therefore passed it on to my children.

I was raised the same way - child were "to be seen and not heard", and like you, to the extent that it is NOT neglectful, I subscribe to this philosphy and practice it with my own children. However, also like you, my SKs were NOT raised this way, and therefore constantly insert themselves into adult conversations asking questions and making comments that frankly I don't think is any of their business or their place to do so, but because their parents have given them "adult spousal status" and entertained these conversations with the children it is really not something I think would ever change at this point. Now, I simply cringe when I hear H talk about adult issues even front of SD12, often even critcizing BM's parenting skills (uh, PAS anyone?), but I'm pretty sure BM does it too based on things SD's shared about BM's personal business in casual conversation, so now I only get PO'd when I feel the information being shared somehow infringes upon MY personal privacy or that of MY children!

Maybe I am just a bad person that when one of my bios comes in and asks for a snack close to dinner I say, "No, we are having dinner soon," but if it is SD8 asking I simply snap, "NO." without looking up.

This is definitely where you and I are different, but who's to say which way is better? I actually am more blunt with MY children because I love my children and I know they know I love them because I tell them and show them all of the time, so I think they can walkway from my saying "Get up!" rather than "will you get up please?" without being 'emotionally scarred forever because I don't love them'. On the other hand, I feel like I have to treat the MUCH OLDER SKs gingerly lest I risk hurting their feelings because they've been so traumatized by not growing up in the same household with both parents that they may not be convinced that anyone loves them anymore. (Note the sarcasm? GAG!) However, what people don't see is the damage this has caused to the "family" overall, because not only has it fueled a lot of bitterness and resentment in me against my H for making me feel like his children should be treated special because they are "disadvantaged" by the absence of having two parents sharing a home, but also that somehow my children are better equipped to take the harshness because having two parents in the home somehow cushions the blow! (Mind you, my children are 1yo and 6yo, and his children are 12yo and 19yo!)

Maybe I am just a bad person because when people tell me how smart SS10 is I say things like, "Yeah, I wonder what's up with his grades then?" and "Hm, but what's better, book smarts or common sense? And which one does he have again? It's hard to tell because he hides them both so well." (Okay, I only say them in my head. But it would be super if I could say them out loud.)

Lol. I do this too. I do think both my SKs are smart kids, but the common sense is definitely lacking. Also, my SS didn't do well in school simply because he didn't apply himself, and the motivation and support was lacking because his parents (mainly MY H since he was the CP) didn't care and therefore didn't encourage him or establish any discipline in him either way. I think SD has a slightly better chance because she seems to like to school, but then so did SS, and for the same reasons - the social aspects!